Hello and thank you for welcoming me. Now how do I get out of this club???
I am a 38 year old female diagnosed with PTSD yesterday. I have a long history of major depressive disorder and anxiety disorder, but no one in my life really knows that. They know that I take medications but don't understand why I need them, even though they are aware of my past traumatic experiences. My life is very good right now, which just helps me confirm that there is something wrong with me to feel as sad and anxious as I do.
I suspect that I have always had some depression, but my anxiety started after a sexual assault when I was 17. It was my first sexual experience. I "dealt with" that experience by leaving college and moving home. Within 2 years I was in a very self-destructive mindset. I was looking to get attention from every man I met, I was addicted to methamphetamines and I had disassociated from my family. I quit school for a second time and continued to spiral downwards.
At the age of 22 I decided that I wanted more for myself. I got clean and moved in with my parents. Things were really looking up. I met a man who would quickly become my husband and I moved in with him.
Walking home one night, I was grabbed by a teenage boy and a gun was held to my neck while I watched another boy confront my fiancé. My jacket and purse were ripped off of me and as I tried to get a good look at the perpetrator he moved the gun to my temple and turned my head away from him with the force of the gun. When the ordeal ended and the kids ran away, my fiancé chased them. I was left alone, in ripped clothing, no keys to get in my house and waiting to hear a gunshot. I was completely frozen. I started having panic attacks again and hearing noises at night.
I married the man I was with that night. He was emotionally and verbally abusive but I actually thought that was the best I could do. I lived on eggshells for 10 years and gained close to 100 lbs. I believe that I became addicted to food at this point as well as becoming a binge eater. That is still true today.
My next major life event was the tragic loss of my father at 26. It was a fear I had my entire life. My dad was the closest person to me and I was devastated. I am still devastated despite years of being told that my reaction was essentially too strong. A big eff you to anyone who thinks that it is possible to mourn too much.
At 31 I left that crappy marriage and had a few year stretch of feeling happy and healthy. I met a new, incredible man who I am now married to. I lost the weight I had gained and was taking care of myself.
Around the time of our wedding 3 years ago I started experiencing back pain. I had a beautiful baby and my life was perfect, but the back pain kept worsening. I started gaining weight very quickly. It got to the point that I could not dress myself, could not pick up my baby and literally cried all night or any time I changed positions. It was scary and depressing. I was EXTREMELY irritable. Treatments were not helping.
Almost exactly a year ago I went numb from the waist down. Luckily I recognized the symptoms and went to the ER. I had a compression in my spinal cord and was told I had a 24 hour window from the onset of symptoms to have the cord decompressed or else I would be permanently paralyzed. I had emergency surgery and the pain was instantly relieved. I was a new person.
I recovered beautifully and thought I had really turned a corner emotionally but I started binge eating in secret, having panic attacks again and feeling sad all of the time. Why?! I should be happy, right?
Here I am. I am glad to be working towards getting "better" but I have no idea what that entails or really means. I am grateful to be alive, walking, working and raising a beautiful family but I have this dark cloud over me and in me. Thanks for listening. Good luck to all.
I am a 38 year old female diagnosed with PTSD yesterday. I have a long history of major depressive disorder and anxiety disorder, but no one in my life really knows that. They know that I take medications but don't understand why I need them, even though they are aware of my past traumatic experiences. My life is very good right now, which just helps me confirm that there is something wrong with me to feel as sad and anxious as I do.
I suspect that I have always had some depression, but my anxiety started after a sexual assault when I was 17. It was my first sexual experience. I "dealt with" that experience by leaving college and moving home. Within 2 years I was in a very self-destructive mindset. I was looking to get attention from every man I met, I was addicted to methamphetamines and I had disassociated from my family. I quit school for a second time and continued to spiral downwards.
At the age of 22 I decided that I wanted more for myself. I got clean and moved in with my parents. Things were really looking up. I met a man who would quickly become my husband and I moved in with him.
Walking home one night, I was grabbed by a teenage boy and a gun was held to my neck while I watched another boy confront my fiancé. My jacket and purse were ripped off of me and as I tried to get a good look at the perpetrator he moved the gun to my temple and turned my head away from him with the force of the gun. When the ordeal ended and the kids ran away, my fiancé chased them. I was left alone, in ripped clothing, no keys to get in my house and waiting to hear a gunshot. I was completely frozen. I started having panic attacks again and hearing noises at night.
I married the man I was with that night. He was emotionally and verbally abusive but I actually thought that was the best I could do. I lived on eggshells for 10 years and gained close to 100 lbs. I believe that I became addicted to food at this point as well as becoming a binge eater. That is still true today.
My next major life event was the tragic loss of my father at 26. It was a fear I had my entire life. My dad was the closest person to me and I was devastated. I am still devastated despite years of being told that my reaction was essentially too strong. A big eff you to anyone who thinks that it is possible to mourn too much.
At 31 I left that crappy marriage and had a few year stretch of feeling happy and healthy. I met a new, incredible man who I am now married to. I lost the weight I had gained and was taking care of myself.
Around the time of our wedding 3 years ago I started experiencing back pain. I had a beautiful baby and my life was perfect, but the back pain kept worsening. I started gaining weight very quickly. It got to the point that I could not dress myself, could not pick up my baby and literally cried all night or any time I changed positions. It was scary and depressing. I was EXTREMELY irritable. Treatments were not helping.
Almost exactly a year ago I went numb from the waist down. Luckily I recognized the symptoms and went to the ER. I had a compression in my spinal cord and was told I had a 24 hour window from the onset of symptoms to have the cord decompressed or else I would be permanently paralyzed. I had emergency surgery and the pain was instantly relieved. I was a new person.
I recovered beautifully and thought I had really turned a corner emotionally but I started binge eating in secret, having panic attacks again and feeling sad all of the time. Why?! I should be happy, right?
Here I am. I am glad to be working towards getting "better" but I have no idea what that entails or really means. I am grateful to be alive, walking, working and raising a beautiful family but I have this dark cloud over me and in me. Thanks for listening. Good luck to all.
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