Undiagnosed Numb Hurt

[Jacnic]

Howdy.

I have been following the forums for a little while - thanks everyone. it is great to know that there are others out there!

Technically I am undiagnosed PTSD, mainly because I live and work in as an expat (in China), while my T is back home. Sessions via skype and email are okay, but not as good as face to face.... but that is my only option given where I live.

I am angry..... But when I say that I am angry, I really mean that I think I should be angry. Given the traumatic situation I lived with as I was growing up, and how it still effects me, my brain tells me I should feel angry..... but I don’t. Most of the time I just feel numb. I would love to feel something. To be so angry that I kick, yell and scream. Then I can release the pent-up emotion that has been hidden; buried for so long. But I cannot. I don’t feel it. I am numb.

If I let myself think about it, and about how what happened was so unfair, then I start to feel the beginnings of anger – mad anger. A glimpse of anger that makes me want to to be able to scream to the world that life is not fair.... but the feelings never last long enough and do not develop into anything strong enough. Instead they slide into a sad anger.... that comes from being hurt.

Not just a surface hurt that can be easily shrugged off with some attention and distraction, but hurt that goes to the core of your being. Hurt that goes so deep you have no hope of putting it into words. Hurt that you know no one else can understand - let alone yourself. Hurt that completely isolates. Hurt that completely permeates all that you are..... all that you will ever be.

This type of hurt is scary and terrifying, until it becomes normal. Overtime it becomes a familiar and faithful companion. Always just below the surface, an integral element of who you are and how you interact with the world.

Hurt that constantly reinforces that you are not important enough ..... not important enough for people to notice your pain. Hurt that tells you that you are very different from everyone else; that you are in this alone.

Deep hurt that convinces you that this is how things will always be.

Hurt too deep to cry about. Hurt that leaves you numb.

And yet, all of this his hidden behind a facade. Behind a mask that, for the most part, successfully conceals both the hurt and the numbness from a world that does not and cannot understand..... a respectable front that no one looks behind... even family and friends.

I hope that I am not completely alone........

Jac

 

[intothelight]

Hi Jac,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

No, you are not alone and you will find many here that carry a deep hurt that manifests itself as numbness, anger towards themselves, deep depression, etc. I don't know if your therapist has diagnosed you with PTSD or not, and as you stated long distance therapy sessions are difficult at best. I hope when you are back in your country of origin that you are able to get a definitive diagnosis. Knowing what is wrong is the first step in a treatment plan.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[user17231]

Jacnic,

Welcome to the forums!

I know exactly what you mean when you say you think you should feel angry or sad, but you don't, or maybe you catch a glimpse of it. In my year in therapy I've managed to get to a point where my sadness or anger stays with me long enough to cry twice, and it feels so relieving. I struggle on bad days wanting to stay with it, but left feeling frustrated and inadequate as a human being because I'm hardwired not to deal with anything.

I can say that feelings stay with me much longer than they used to, and that can be just as scary when you've dissociated from them (felt numb instead of feeling them) for so long. Be prepared for unexpected rushes of emotion as you work through the mess, it can be very challenging.

You are so far from completely alone here, this forum is full of great supportive people!

 

[psychology girl]

Hi welcome to the forum!! Firstly I just wanted to say that you definitely are not alone with how you are feeling. I think most of us can relate to this in some form or another. Can I just ask what type of therapy are you having at the moment? What types of 'treatments' has your therapist used. Ie reliving, mindfulness etc? I know it must be really difficult to have therapy from a distance, that's why I ask what therapy you are having.

You are not alone with this, we will all support you as much as we can:-)

Best wishes,

Psychology girl

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[Jacnic]

What types of 'treatments' has your therapist used. Ie reliving, mindfulness etc? ]

Thanks everyone.

Psychology girl, my T is using mindfulness and other techniques to get me to work out what I might be feeling. Also doing some dialoguing with my 10 y.o. self (age when I shut down emotionally due to family trauma). She says PTSD is a distinct possibility, but will not say more until I see her this summer.
I also have access to the counsellor at my kid's school, who is good at cbt, but she not a qualified T, with no trauma experience.

So for the most part I seem to be making my own way with this all......

Jac

 

[psychology girl]

Wow you do appear quite isolated which must be really hard. I feel for you. I too am using mindfulness at the moment but I am finding it quite hard. Have you actually discussed with your therapist what happened to cause the ptsd? It sounds silly asking that but it took me ages to even get to the place where I was ready to discuss it. And it is still really hard. If not I am wondering whether 're-living' would be good for you. Obviously I do not know the details of your particular case and this is only an opinion but I am currently re-living in therapy and although it is so hard I do think it will help me in the end. Essentially you create a time line of events and you piece all your memories together like a jigsaw puzzle. It is hoped that by doing this you are able to process the event from a traumatic memory into a bad memory where you gain the understanding this it is in the past and therefore you no longer experience all the emotions that are associated with the event.

Like I said, this is only an opinion, it may not be right for you, but I wonder whether the memory you have of the event which caused your PTSD is a 'whole memory' or whether you remember most or parts of it? Maybe that is why you have this anger but you do not have the feeling long enough to being able to scream and shout like you stated you wanted to. Because you haven't fully processed/ remembered the event.

It's just a thought!

Psychology girl

 

[I Can Do This]

I feel I understand what you are describing. My trauma T says this is common in PTSd and she calls it the popped balloon effect. You start to feel the anger and it begins to fill up the balloon but then when it gets to a level that we feel we can't tolerate, it is like a pin in the balloon and all the air comes out of it and we sink into sadness and hurt instead which are our anger turned inwards.

She keeps telling me she is trying to bring out the "fight" in me because my coping method is freeze. I am learning that "fight" does not mean anyone has to get hurt, I don't have to lose control of my anger just because I feel it, and it doesn't mean anything is wrong with me. She says that fight means I am getting closer to "aliveness" and I finally understand what she means by that - I can feel other emotions instead of just numb and exhausted.

So for me it was understanding what anger and fight meant in a healthy display that took much of the fear of it away. Because I was afraid of losing control and I didn't want to, and had no idea what fight was other than what you see on tv.

So I think it sounds like you are popping your balloon because maybe like me, you don't know for certain how to express it and that seems even scarier than suppressing it.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome. :)