Numbness And Self Destruction

[Ice_Fire]

I personally think that the two extremes lead me to self harm. One is a total lack of emotion and the other is being totally overwhelmed.

I don't fully understand the motives and reasons behind the urge to self harm but I think it is 'just' being at the extremes of emotion and lack thereof.

:confused:

I'm just glad I haven't self harmed since January :tup:

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Ice_Fire I am glad for you also. You are doing really great!

Dear Abstract, your post in response makes entire sense to me- could 'be me', in fact.

I think (just going by myself), they may be different. That you must 'allow' yourself (give yourself permission) to acknowledge whatever feelings, feel them, and even react to them. When you tell yourself you 'shouldn't'- (as you said, "(I) am making too much of a big deal about it", etc) that is the same (to me) as not dealing with them (when the ptsd likely all started).
I do that to an entire degree!
I have to stop myself, to not do that. I have to realize I'm even doing it, first.

(Maybe that's where we get the thought of not 'entitled'? Wants, needs, feelings, self care, good things, etc etc. )

I have the numbness that goes with (severe) SI, but then there is a numbness where, for example, I might end up in reckless positions, far as I know I'm not doing it 'on purpose',but that is like extremely distracted (but I feel numb).

Recall self-harm as trying to make the pain go away. Just another way to try to cope, I imagine.

 

[Tinyflame]

It wasn't 'allowed' for me, either, or I didn't allow myself. Not to 'feel' the emotions, ( that I did, I felt or feel probably too much), but to express them. Not in my mind, anyway.
It was for survival, and not to be a (greater?) burden, and because there was no time or place for it, always other 'stuff' going on, worries, bigger concerns, others' feelings etc, would have caused others trouble.

I heard it said that some people internalize things, I agree, I think I did, somewhat for the reasons and facts that presented themselves, however.
That's the same for me as a child or an adult.

I think if someone had asked the right questions (or any questions, for that matter), I might have said something. But not on my own.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Ice_Fire,
That makes total sense.

Woohoo to you for being SI free since January! Very inspiring.

I think in the past SI was emotion regulation (as they say) from intense emotions and a way of grounding myself when very dissociated.

Now that I am this far in recovery I think I am fine with general emotion regulation.

If I am very dissociated then I am still at risk as I don't have a proper sense of what is happening.

But the two types of SI I know have I are different. The one is self punishment because I am making all this up (traumas and PTS etc) and then something else very different that I can't speak about but it is to avoid something worse.

What really concerns/interests me though is if my general approach to "coping" is wrong.
it has been suggested that I should get out and live more at certain points but to me that makes me feel more disconnected when I am already feeling that way.
I feel I need to try to connect to myself but I don't know if that is wrong.
I don't know if that makes sense.
Keep up the great work.

 

[Abstract]

Junebug,​

I am sorry it wasn't safe for you either and you didn't allow yourself. I think I understand. We feel the feelings when we are like that but they are a mass of disconnected experiences and we don't know what they are or where they came from. ?​

​

"It was for survival, and not to be a (greater?) burden, and because there was no time or place for it, always other 'stuff' going on, worries, bigger concerns, others' feelings etc, would have caused others trouble."​

I very much understand that. I think when we are forced to be caretakers we aren't allowed the luxury of self connection. ​

And it's difficult to break out of those patterns. ​

​

"I think if someone had asked the right questions (or any questions, for that matter), I might have said something. But not on my own."​

That is sad. ​

 

[Abstract]

Hi Junebug,

Glad some of it made sense! I feel I am talking in circles. :oops:

"I think (just going by myself), they may be different. That you must 'allow' yourself (give yourself permission) to acknowledge whatever feelings, feel them, and even react to them."

You are so right here. And about the should's and "shouldn't"s. You are right that they equate to not dealing with something. Maybe I have to see if there is a connection to my feelings that I am making this all up.
I am sorry you do this too!
Agreed that I have to realise I am doing it first.

The last five years I have worked on this so hard and have made masses of progress but it still takes effort. So when someone tells me I should be living life I find it confusing.

"Maybe that's where we get the thought of not 'entitled'? Wants, needs, feelings, self care, good things, etc etc. " I think when our needs are not met as children we don't feel entitled to these and don't want to have needs as it hurts to much not to have them met.

I am sorry that you have severe SI.
I think SI used to be about dealing with pain and trying to regulate it but it seems more complicated now.


Thanks for your thoughts on this.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Abstract, sounds like you are doing great, just go in small(er) steps, whatever feels like progress without biting off to much at once. :tup:

Re: SI, yes, Emotional Flashbacks also seem to be the trigger, I think.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think successful emotional regulation results in peace, and strength, and feeling calm/ centered.
Whereas 'stuffing' doesn't.
The third being dissociation.

JMHO. Hope it's useful!

 

[Abstract]

Oh Junebug,
I am doing great in a lot of ways. In others I have hit a very painful and confusing wall.
I think I approached recovery in a very behavioural and determined way and that worked to a point and I worked really hard and long (thirty odd years). But when the other stuff subsided - such as the eating disorder - then I found myself face to face with this stuff and no longer able to pretend it isn't there. Although it seems I still try as I constantly think I am making everything up.

Quote: "I think successful emotional regulation results in peace, and strength, and feeling calm/centered.
Whereas 'stuffing' doesn't. The third being dissociation."

A very good point and something that could very well help me. Happily and quietly numb or feeling-less would be positive and if it is not then there is something amiss. I am going to keep it mind and see if I can get more clarity. Thank you!

So sorry to hear about the emotional flashbacks.:( I am assuming you get so overwhelmed that you resort to this to stabilise yourself. ?
I have also used SI as a means to avoid SU. It feels like the next best thing. Wondered if that could be relevant.

 

[Tinyflame]

Abstract, what is SU?

I guess I don't really have "SI" so much as stopping myself from "S" (at those times)!

 

[shell]

When I first started getting all the flashbacks, I found I couldn't handle the extreme emotions that completely swamped me for months on end, I started to become very self destructive.

When I decided to harm myself, I dissociated, and was unable to think clearly and stayed that way for a couple of days, I think I scared the crap out of myself. I stayed numb permanently for weeks on end, it was only when I started in therapy again, that I started to feel safe enough to start reconnecting with my emotions.

Being numb stopped me from being self destructive. Now when I get overwhelmed, I numb for several hours, and slowly start reconnecting. We all have different ways of dealing with things, sadly,emotional avoidance is mine.

 

[Abstract]

Junebug,

It is su*c*de. I sort of guessed that might be what you were referring to. That isn't good you feel that way. Sending you care.

Hi Shell,

I really understand what you are saying. It makes sense to me and that is one of the things I was puzzling about. My reactions seem counter-intuitive in some ways or nonsensical.

You don't need to answer but may I ask if your trauma happened as an adult? If you managed to have effective ways of dealing with things before the trauma?

In the past strong emotions were definitely a risk for me but then I learned coping skills and mindfulness helped me tolerate strong emotions.
This disconnect still stumps me.

But mostly the type of self destructiveness I am referring to is more subtle than SI.

I hope things are better for you.