Oblivious And Feeling Terrible About It....

[Strong4him]

Hello,

I am new to this group. I have to start out by saying I have heard of PTSD but never really had a reason to research it...not to sound like I don't care. I have had an "easy" life some would say. I have 2 amazing parents, who are still happily married, a huge loving family that lives around me...and sometimes I believe I am oblivious to the things that go on in the world today. That being said, I met this amazing man about 4 years ago, we have had our ups and downs, but no relationship is perfect. He is a veteran and I thought I saw signs of PTSD earlier in the relationship but I didn't want to approach the subject because I was always waiting for the right time....yea 4 years, I am a very understanding and patient person. Problem is I think my "waiting for the right tim", in his eyes may look like I don't care because I am not asking questions. He has told me he needs me, he wants a future with me, and I want the same...I just could never pin point what was going on in these moments where I would say one thing and he would take it the wrong way. Again I feel soooo terrible and ignorant that I didn't see this years ago, I had just never been around anyone with PTSD...thought it was something I was doing wrong. Just a few days ago in a "down" time, he expressed to me he had PTSD, first time he actually openly said he did, from something happening not only in the military but also when he was younger. I asked if we could talk about it and he said not now but that he would. He has made comments, when we are arguing about what hes said to me or how he treats me, "maybe all I need sometimes is for you to hold me and tell me everything will be ok". There are times where we will just be laying in bed and he falls asleep on my stomach...while I am rubbing his head, which I love because I feel I am helping him relax. He will wake up and look at me and say things like "its crazy how you just knock me out and make me feel so relaxed". But then there are times when I tell him I love him and reassure him that I want a life with him he says "yea would you walk through hell with me?" Again I was stunned to hear this but nope had no clue what this meant. Another pattern that I am seeing is him being "busy" for 2-3 weeks at a time, being so emotionally detached, not wanting to talk, really feeling like he has no emotions. I guess I am reaching out to this group to a) learn more about PTSD and see how others cope with it, b) see if there is hope and maybe find other resources that will help me better understand it better. I am a very caring person and love when I make a difference in someones life. The hard thing for me right now....and for the last 4 yrs, is that there are often times I can't make this better or get him out of, what he calls when hes distant for 2-3 weeks, his "funk". When he is in his "funk" again I take things personal and think why doesn't he want to be with me? Why if he loves being with me because I make him feel relaxed does he not come over when I ask him. Thank you for listening....just reading some of the posts the last few days have really opened my eyes....

 

[Glara]

The best thing I can suggest is read through the posts in the relationship sections. Right now I'm having a hard time with my guy. It's hard to post everything that's going on, but I come here and read what others are experiencing and it helps me gage what's "normal" for ptsd. Just keep reading. I have a BA in psychology and still knew virtually nothing about what ptsd was really like until my guy told me he has it. I just thought it was soldiers and rape survivors having nightmare and flashbacks. That's what the movies show. It's so much more and you can learn that in here. I've also found some decent videos on YouTube. It's sounds like you have a great guy and a lot of family support.

 

[Strong4him]

Thank you Glara. He is a great guy, actually though my family doesn't know too much about him other than they see the lack of attending family functions, canceling plans etc., so I am dealing with that right now too. They are pressuring me about why we don't do more things together...right now I just want to learn about PTSD and how/if we can grow together without pressure. All they see are 4 years and why can't we be married and kids...you know the typical American Dream that everyone like my happy family, sees is what is supposed to be. When we do have good times, they are the best I have ever had....hes so loving and such a caring person, and I have never loved so deeply. Good luck with your guy too. I hope things get better.

 

[The Albatross]

Part of partnering a broken soul/person is understanding your own need for this type of relationship. I think I would self examine that. Everyone has a pay off/motive. Examine yours? Know that in this relationship, your own needs/wants/desires will likely come second to theirs... and determine if you are okay with that. My partner is okay with that.

 

[Alex87477]

Honestly you sound like you're doing everything right. I fell in love with a girl this year who was diagnosed with PTSD. Although at first i took everything personally, and its hard not to sometimes. Its important not to, and to just be patient, be a rock when the times are hard for her(in your case him), and to flow like water when it becomes too much. Which it sounds like you are doing. Right now my situation is up in the air considering the space i have to give(more recently more space than normal). Considering you have 4 years and that much for eachother I hope everything works out for you. I'm sure it will, theres parts you guys have that remind me of my situation which I dont want to lose. So thank you for showing me its possible to push through and make it to what you have.

 

[KwanYingirl]

If you want a relationship with someone that has PTSD, you need to be in therapy so you don't go nuts from it. You must assemble a support system of experts in their area. I have PTSD and never knew it until I was divorced. My ex put up with a ton of symptoms that just perplexed him. I thought I was going crazy and he drank too much it was just too triggering for me. I had to flee. My support system does not include my family. They are part of the problem and I'm "just too sensitive" like that's something to be ashamed of.
I have a trauma therapist, a reiki master, a yoga instructor, three close friends that know a little of my story, this website and the writings of the Dalai Lama as my support system. I can when needed call a rape and assault crisis line if I'm actively suicidal and it's the middle of the night. I can go to the ER if I'm in danger of killing myself.
I own my own business and it is successful. My clients would never know in a million years that I have PTSD or a history of CSA. They are my lifeline. They keep me connected to that very smart, capable Judy that I aspire to be.
I have throughout my life pushed every good man that loved me away. My positive feelings are as painful to experience as my negative ones.
Good luck. PTSD doesn't benefit from being kept secret from your family. Be direct and serious because it is a serious condition and victims are too often marginalized by society. That solves nothing.

 

[darrenS]

many people come here and discuss their relationships , as you will notice if you read through some , you will see a common thread , particularly from the supporters viewpoint. The ups and downs of having a relationship with someone suffering from PTSD as youve noticed can sometimes be sheer hell. I dont get that feeling from your post, rather what i get is a loving couple who have been together 4 years and are doing ok. Sure you have issues like all of us , but the fact your patient and have been so patient may be something in your favor. If what you are presenting is correct , if the issues are there but not becoming major obstacles, then i would continue on and find creative ways to deal it.

I would not let others define my relationship, it is obvious that what you have is working for you both , i would discuss in detail with your partner, how much both your families need to know - sometimes it can mean more support , sometimes it can increase problems, sometimes it can trigger serious trust issues.

I would suggest getting professional advice (not therapy), as you will always be faced with differeing opinions and expectations, and in reality its your relationship and you simply need to be comfortable.

 

[sun seeker]

My take on why he might have this pattern of withdrawing periodically: I think he said it all when he asked "would you go through hell with me?" PTSD really can be hell. From the inside looking out at "normal" people with relatively uncomplicated lives, there is a sense of living in a different world. I don't want this to come out the wrong way because it really does sound like you are a loving partner and doing all you know how to do, but from many years of experience, I have to say that a person who has not been through severe trauma can never truly get what it is like. There may be places in his psyche that you will never be able to share, and my advice would be that you both need to realize that and be okay with it. You may be able to go only so far, though it sounds like you are more than willing to do what it takes. For that reason and more, I think you both need to be in therapy and you both need a support system outside the relationship. If you try to be everything to him you will burn out eventually.

So while I can't get inside his head, I imagine myself in his place and what I would be doing, and I think probably he gets close to you up to a certain point and then gets scared of letting you in any further because he wonders just how much of his pain he can let you see before you are scared away. You may sincerely believe you wouldn't be, but from a survivor's point of view, almost everyone who doesn't have a similar trauma does get scared away. So he may be triggered, or the wound is opened up so to speak, but he isn't sure it's safe to let you see how painful it is, so withdrawing into himself is his safe place. Even if you do have a loving, supportive family and want him to be part of that, he may feel the pressure to seem normal is too hard. At least, that's what would be happening for me if I were him. So anyway, as others have said, you're on the right track, but keep reading about it and work on setting up support for both of you.

 

[Strong4him]

Thank you everyone for the words of wisdom/experience. I am not giving up...he truly is an incredible man and he deserves someone to love him. I know we are at the very beginning of this long journey. I am patient and if it takes 4 more years to get a little further than that's what it takes. I am in no rush, I just am my best me when I am with him. I am going to do my very best to continue to read about PTSD, and get more support outside of family. I am hoping when he is ready he will really tell me everything...I will try to be as ready as I can to listen, not judge and be there for him. Thank you.

 

[Friday]

I don't think you need to feel terrible. Without knowing word one about PTSD... You've served 4 years with a man you love.

The diagnosis doesn't change him. It's just a way to describe what's going on. Somewhat better than old terms, even if 'A Soldier's Heart' is a smidge more romantic. Neither him telling you the diagnosis, nor your knowing it changes either of you. It doesn't erase the past 4 years. You've already built your foundation.

"And when he gets to Heaven's Gates, to Saint Peter he will tell;
One more Marine reporting, sir! I've served my time in Hell."

I've had this ringing in my head for weeks. The people I served with... Saw me at my absolute worst. Stinking, filthy, hard, broken, doing things I swore I never would, modesty a distant memory if I even remembered it at all... And then we'd come home, clean up, be different people, and they were still there. It always kind of amazed me. Shrug. Never occurred to me I didn't think any differently of them, and that the same would go. They were mine, & I was theirs. Flaws & all. Sympatico. Yeah. That sucked. And laugh, and laugh, and laugh... And just lay out under the stars, head on someone's belly, feeling them breathe, someone else laid up on you, their thigh pressed over your legs, and someone else on them, and so on just looking up at the sky and breathing, and laughing... and everything was okay. That was actually really effing rare. But it is so burned into my bones, that feeling, that it overwrites most of the hard times.

Finding that... Outside of the military? Hell. It's rare in the military, it's damn near nonexistent outside of it. I was a fool. I had it, not once but twice, and threw both away. Its akin to love, but surpasses it. The best way I can even think to describe it is the willingness to follow someone into hell. And laugh about it later, instead of cry. Knowing that was then, and this was now. Different people in the same skin, and love ya no matter which skin you're in. Filthy, sweating, stinking, or clean and honorable. All just you. Laid up under the stars. And knowing its all going to be alright.

It sounds like he's found that with you.

It's not an excuse to be a bastard, though. We all were, (and some of us still are) from time to time, and got our leashes yanked up hard for it. Self control is a thing. I'm adding this, though after 4 years I'm betting -or at least hoping- you don't really need it... Just pro forma.

 

[Strong4him]

I am so glad I found this website. I am already feeling a great sense of support with all of your comments. I will definitely keep everyone updated and continue to reach out. Thank you again!