Ocd? Whats Wrong With Me

[universechick]

Okay aside from shifting into temporary "Ego States" ( I do not black out ) I suffer greatly with OCD and I was hospitalized 2 years ago it became so severe, I would honestly say i took a nervous breakdown!

Although my anxiety is under control, these last 2 years have been complete and utter mental stress, and I honestly think its has drove me a little mad! I think I am suffering from some type of delusions, I am obsessing over a harm theme, I absolutely love my dogs to bits and some times I worry to the extreme about her, but lately I keep getting sucked into these delusional thoughts like " oh if you have feelings your weak" "its okay to kill people" "kill your dog" and I get sucked in so far I can't see the wood for the trees, I mean its seriously delusional!

I get caught up in stream of thinking and its like whatever logical side of my mind is left is shrinking, I feel this sort of evil wanting to harm feeling, but I know in my right mind I would never feel like this, I am the most caring person ever, its like my mind is working in extremity's. But this morning really took the biscuit, I think when your brain is under so much stress your less likely to put up with certain feelings and thoughts, so I start extreme thinking saying " I'm going to do it, I'm going to kill the dog, I don't care about the dog" I mean I know to everyones normal mind that's effing crazy, I wouldn't even want to know me!! If someone told me this if I was in my right mind I would think there crazy!

But it honestly felt like I could hurt the dog without feeling any remorse, then again I know when my logical mind came around I would literally feel suicidal. I mean this morning walking to work, the shred of logical emotional thinking I had, I used it to pray to arch angel michael asking him to lift me from this situation, but then there's this battle in my head where this evil part of me is saying "No I don't want help I just want to be evil"..

I really just wanted my life to end this morning, and even when it comes to buying myself something nice in town I have a voice in my head saying, you sick b***h you don't deserve to treat yourself to anything, your the scum of the earth! And the worst thing is I just feel so numb its absolutley horrible, call me crazy but I honestly wish I had sever anxiety rather than this, I know this is all very mad and odd but any help would greatly be appreciated guys thanks so much.

 

[Hashi]

Hi universechick,

Welcome to the forum.

I can relate to what you say. I have PTSD and OCD.

I work with archetypes, as different aspects of my personality. I find aspects of myself coming up which are cruel, vicious and violent. It may not be exactly the same as what you're talking about, but for what it's worth I don't personally link it to anxiety or OCD. Because of the archetype work, and being used to seeing that the whole of me is made up of different parts - not in a DID sense, just different aspects of myself - I see it as another aspect.

In Jungian therapy there's the idea of an inner Protector figure which can actually be demonic. For people who've experienced trauma, this is the part of them that both lets them survive extreme and unbelievable life situations, and keeps them from a "normal" life. The demonic Protector can be associated with delusions. A book I read about it that describe trauma survivors who had got stuck had case histories like "the woman who lived on the moon" (she believed that she did).

For myself, I'm not sure about this demonic Protector, but I see the shadow side of archetypes coming up for me in cruelty and perversity. By perversity, I mean things that seem to be the opposite of what I stand for - for example, thinking things that are prejudiced, vicious, weird or even sick, We tend to try to push the shadow side of ourselves aside, but it's by accepting the shadow that we can heal and live more fully. Jung (again - sorry! I'm very Jungian) said of the shadow side, "the gold is in the dust". Meaning that by recognising and accepting the dark side of ourselves, we can be whole - which includes manifesting the light.

When I feel harshness towards myself I often recognise the Child archetype. I'm not a subscriber to the inner child concept - there are so many things about it that I don't agree with - but I do believe that everyone has a more generalised Child archetype. In my case, the shadow side of the Child archetype is the voice that says I'm stupid and don't deserve things. In particular, my Shadow Child thinks any kind of vulnerability is stupid, and opposes it strongly.

Obviously, this has a lot to do with my childhood abuse. I couldn't afford to be vulnerable - it would have been "stupid".

I've also internalised a lot of what was said to me by others - as a child and as an adult - and I've internalised what their words and actions "taught" me about myself. So now I tell myself those things, but really it's their voices.

Something that brings out the most shadow in me is someone else's dependency. In my case this is true always if it's a child. I can also have a very cruel thought reaction to cats, for a number of reasons. I could understand why you would think the things you do towards your dog.

I haven't got a clue whether in your case it's linked to OCD and anxiety. It may well be. In my case, I don't think things like this are. But even if the cause is different I wanted to let you know that you're not alone. In my world, stuff like this is normal. (But I'm working on healing!)

 

[arfie]

Yes, it's all "...very odd and mad..." and I relate to every word. I don't want to compare our cases, but I relate on the basis of my own journey through my personal madness. I started my own recovery with some self-defeating habits of thinking and seeing the world around me. My first step away from it was learning to recognize the diffs between healthy thoughts and my "stinking thinking" habits. Just recognizing the "stinking thinking" was allot for a first step in my own case.

Whatever it is in your case, please keep reaching out. This is not a safe neighborhood to travel alone.

 

[universechick]

@Hashi Thank you so so much for your insightful message, that really genuinely has helped me so much. As for the archetypes (I just googled Jung) and I TOTALLY agree, I do feel there are those vicious aspects of me but only exist in my mind, it's like to express those vicious or demonic parts of me I walk to a little room in my mind and there I become the worst person ever!

But my question is? Am I the worst person ever if I believe I am in my mind? Is it a thing of how I perceive myself? I also feel this powerful urge towards vulnerable or dependant people or animals, I think your spot on and my therapist also does not like to link all this to my OCD, I think if I put it down to just having OCD then I'll never get to the bottom of it. I really appreciate your response, thanks ever so much.

 

[universechick]

@arfie Thanks for your reply arfie, and yes I think I have to separate mySELF from my thoughts, but when I become so engulfed it's very hard to separate yourself from the thoughts. I hope you yourself are doing much better now.

 

[arfie]

No doubt about the difficulty of the task. Separating myself from my thoughts feels allot like separating my skin from my muscles. Still, skin lotion is not gonna ease the pain of a pulled tendon, though it can help lessen friction in a deep massage. Yup. Odd and maddening.

Yes, I think I am doing better these days. Thank you for hoping.

 

[Hashi]

But my question is? Am I the worst person ever if I believe I am in my mind?

No, you are not the worst person ever. Apart from anything else, the worst person ever would never even ask this question.

Maybe you are also asking something along the lines of - are you a bad person for having these thoughts and urges?

The whole idea of the shadow is something I can't give justice to in such a short response. But essentially, the way I understand it is that everyone has a shadow side, even Gandhi, even Mother Theresa, even Nelson Mandela, everyone. No such thing as a human without one. But it's rare that other people get to know about it because by it's nature it's hidden. Usually, our shadow is hidden from ourselves too.

So when we see it - and our response to trauma can often let us see it - we think it's something terrible. We don't know that everyone has something like this. It's additionally complicated for us because we've been on the receiving end of harm. To see in ourselves the urge to harm goes beyond normal shock that anyone with a conscience feels, and takes us into a whole other territory.

Most people never even come face to face with their shadow. So to begin with we're having to grapple with something that isn't usually talked about or understood. In addition, when we come face to face with the shadow sides of ourselves they can seem to represent the things that we've seen in other people that have wounded us the most.

The thing is, the gold really is in the dust. Hard as it is, being able to be present with the shadow thoughts and urges is what liberates us to understand ourselves and be better. Without judgement, The idea of understanding the shadow isn't in order to get the better of it. Just to let it be there. At the same time as striving to be better.

Something I'd emphasise is that everything, and every archetype, is a combination of light side and shadow side. The Goddess archetype has a light side (compassion, power, divine wisdom) and a shadow side (control, demand, being a diva). The Vampire archetype has a light side (deep involvement with other people, genuine connection, encouragement and caring) and a shadow side (feeding off others). Always, there's a flip side.

It's natural to have opposites, like yin and yang. They balance each other. In the context you're talking about, dark thoughts aren't wrong. They're just there.

 

[universechick]

@Hashi you are a genius! Your last couple of Posts have helped me more than you'll ever know! I GET IT! You have such a brilliant look upon things, and because of your posts I have recently ordered Carl Jung's "The Undiscovered Self" He speaks of consciousness and that, and i have a BIG interest in that, one of his quotes that helped me the other day was "There is no coming to conciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing there own soul, One does not become enlightened by Imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness concious"

Thanks so much again, your words will stick with me. Sending Love and Light

 

[Hashi]

@universechick, I love that you've ordered a book by Jung! I actually find his original books very hard to read, but what he says is astonishing and has helped me very much.

In case you're interested in checking out anything else along Jungian or metaphysical lines, I've found the following very helpful.

Healing Trauma audiobook by Caroline Myss and James Finley.
I only like the Caroline Myss chapters. I love her writing generally and that's how I first learnt about archetypes and the shadow. Also about becoming conscious, and how uncomfortable that can be! She has quite a lot on her website, eg Link Removed

Why Good People do Bad Things by Debbie Ford
Very easy to read, about the shadow side of ourselves and accepting without judging or suppressing it.

The Inner World of Trauma: Archetypal Defences of the Personal Spirit by Donald Kalsched
I really recommend looking at this to see if it might be of interest. It's very expensive but I was lucky that my public library has it. It's an old-ish book but I found it the most wonderful explanation of Jung's ideas about trauma. I've had several landmark moments in healing and reading this book was one of them. So many things suddenly made sense, and it gave me a way to articulate them too.

Please let me know what you think of your book, anyway!

Love and light to you too.