Ok, You Know You Need To Get Out And Get Over Him, But How?

[lovesasoldier]

I know I need to break it off with him. But how? I feel addicted to him. Which I know is not healthy for either of us. But I love him so much, the pain is killing me.

I don't have the money to go out and try new activities, so where do I meet people? I just started therapy and anti-depressants, but I can't handle the pain of the loss. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

What do others do? I don't have a support system I can go to (they don't get it). Can anyone recommend any books? I know part of this is just waiting it out and going through it till it passes, but is there anyway to make it easier?

 

[TLight]

I find painting helps me with breakups...anything to focus your attention. Unfortunately you can't sidestep the grieving......it's gonna get you one way or another and that's ok. Just breathe into it, try not to block it with thoughts, wait until the wave passes......then go do something nice for yourself.

I'm so sorry. Heartbreak really hurts. It's like a death every time....I know, been through dozens. I'm pretty careful with my heart these days...

 

[lovesasoldier]

I wish I could be that creative! But it's a great idea. I'm trying desperately to stay away from the ice cream in the freezer right now...[DOUBLEPOST=1405108452,1405108374][/DOUBLEPOST]One of the worst parts is he thinks he "may" still be in love with his ex-wife.

 

[jmni]

I have also felt this "addiction" and I know exactly what you mean. If you are anything like me, until you get past this completely, this is going to be a very unhealthy time in your life. From what I've observed when people suffer heart break, even if they attempt to have a good attitude, and do everything right they tend to be prone to "over-doing it." It's as though you can't relax and let it be.

I have NOT read these books. I can't personally recommend any of them. But it might be what you are looking for and even if they don't appeal to you, when you search them on amazon there are a bunch of recommendations and reviews that could give you leads.

"How to Survive the Loss of a Love" (McWilliams, etc)
"Addictive Thinking: Understanding Self Deception" (Twerski)
"Breaking Hearts: The Two Sides of Unrequited Love" (Baumiester) - Reviews did say this did not offer advice for overcoming unrequited ove, and rather was just very direct and explained it from the sides of both parties.
"Mastering the Art of Quitting: Why it Matters in Love, Life, and Work" (Streep)
"How to Break Your Addiction to a Person" (Halpern)

The only thing I would suggest is that if you have lots of feelings and things you want to say, open up and get them out of the way no because you could stop communicating in the future. And if or once you do break contact for good, resist the urge to revisit him and opening up doors to the past.

Something else is that, my current feelings for people that I use t feel very strongly for have changed severely. Your feelings and what you think of him will also change one day. Just keep reminding yourself that you will get through this, because you will.

 

[ladystardonna]

Thank you, jmni, for the book list. I need it too. I feel like I am not his spouse but his caretaker. I feel guilty trying to leave this damaged man that I love.

 

[jmni]

Hopefully it can help you to free yourself from this entanglement.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Hello Loveasoldier. Welcome to the board.

Can anyone recommend any books?

author - Melody Beattie the title " New Codependency" allows test to assist where you need to work with chapters of suggestions. All of her books can be found in used bookstores, e-books, many stateside libraries and will assist with love addiction or codependence.

CoDa.org will offer a list of where you can go for face-to-face meetings, online meetings and telephone meetings. Each generally has it's own flavor depending on the members but all abide by 12 Steps to recover from a childhood developed survival skill that no longer is functional as a healthy adult.

This organization is world wide and chapter (area specific) for face-to-face. It is not loved by everybody as it brings up a Higher Power (what ever you have as your Higher Power: ie God, you, any spiritual awareness) but it is not religious nor denominational.

Through CoDA, I was able to stop the insanity of some seriously addictive patterns that was ruining the quality of my life. Hello, my name is Recovery4Me and I am a codependent in grateful recovery. It works if you work it.

Take what you need and leave the rest. Peace and light.

 

[lovesasoldier]

Thanks!

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Have you talked with your new therapist about feeling addicted to your boyfriend?

 

[lovesasoldier]

Have you talked with your new therapist about feeling addicted to your boyfriend?

We are just getting to it.

 

[jojolove]

I feel the same way. I am going through a similar situation right now. And I have been crying and been in bed for the past 2 days but it feels extremely painful to let go of the man I love. But he is burnt out. He doesn't have enough in him to deal with his own stress and my PTSD at the same time. I ask myself all day long how can I balance Letting him go yet not giving up on him too? I also live with him so I have to leave too. I now notice that it annoys him the fact that I still live here when he has told me that he is done. I feel guilty because I pushed him away when he only tried to love me. And when I started therapy I realized that. Sometimes, its too much. Sometimes, you pushed them too far and theres no point of return. I can't really give you advise, but I can tell you that you are not alone. I am sure myself, you, and many others are going through the same thing or have. Stay strong, at least we can all relate, and you aren't alone.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@jojolove :hug:'s if you accept them.

Stay strong, at least we can all relate, and you aren't alone.

Your words are so wise and kind...I thought I would borrow them to offer back to you. You have a lovely heart and are a treasure. Don't give up on your ability to love and be loved just as you are.

Significant others that chose to discontinue, often use our Achilles Heal to justify. These tender spots, may or may not be the actual reason, so don't take it to heart along with the real loss of his commitment. Love covers much and is not fair weathered.

You are in therapy and trying to resolve issues, that speaks for itself. It takes two hearts to keep things together but only one to quit. You might have made some mistakes, but if you are grieving the loss, you did not quit on your love. So please, don't give up on yourself and stay true in your journey of healing.