LittleMermaid
New Here
First off, I would like to apologize for the lengthy post. I am currently struggling in my brand new relationship with a PTSD sufferer and don’t know who to talk to. So I signed up for this forum to get these feelings off my chest and see if anybody else has the same experiences and hopefully get some insight into what is happening.
About 12 years ago I started talking to a solider online. At the time he was deployed in Iraq. We talked a lot but didn’t meet in person until a few years later when I happened to be on a road trip in his state. Although we hadn’t talked in a while, we connected again instantly and it was almost like love at first sight. We spent all of my vacation time together and even his friends and neighbors felt that we were perfect together. We ended up changing my travel arrangements for me to stay with him a few more days before returning home. At this time I learned that he had suffered severe trauma and injuries in the military service and was still dealing with depression, nightmares, migraines and other issues. It seemed as if he was getting treatment though and dealing with everything accordingly. Everything was going really well between us. For a second I thought I’d found my soul mate, but then all of a sudden he became very distant. Towards the end of my stay he just went from being extremely excited to have met me and in a lovey-dovey mode to very detached and emotionally unavailable.
Things fell apart and we didn’t speak for over a year. He hurt me really bad and it took me a long time to get over him. Eventually, we connected again through some of his old friends that I had the chance to meet during my visit back in the day. They still cared about me a lot and so they helped us get back in touch. He apologized for how he acted and how he hurt me and reasoned it by being “young and stupid” and that he deeply regretted dismissing me that way, because he in fact felt I was “the one”.
Over the next 5 years we would be in regular contact. Sometimes we wouldn’t speak for a few weeks, other times we would speak daily about anything that was going on in our lives. He helped me get through a very troublesome time, was always there when I needed him and that brought us even closer. I trusted him with my deepest feelings. I would consider him my best friend and my confidant, my go-to person if I was in need or just needed someone to talk to. We would laugh together and joke around with each other like only best friends would. I was able to talk to him about anything. It was so obvious that he was still beating himself up over how he acted towards me in the past and passed up on something that could’ve been so good. For 2 years we had been planning to visit each other, but a 500 mile distance and our careers and personal lives made it difficult so our plans always fell through until just recently. The plan was for me to come spent a long weekend at his house to meet with him and his friends for an annual house party. I went to see him without any expectations, just to reconnect with him and his friends whom I knew from back in the day. Never in a million years did I expect to rekindle old feelings.
I don’t know what to call it other than fate, but when we met again after almost 6 years everything felt as if we didn’t skip a single beat. All of the old emotions came back. It was unbelievable and neither one of us could believe that this was possible. We were so happy and excited that we got another try. He was very adamant about wanting to make things work this time and having learnt his lesson in the past. Our time together was beautiful. He was loving and caring and made me feel like the most beautiful and loved person in this world. Even after I left he would continuously reach out via text, phone calls or facetime. At no point did I even for a second doubt his commitment and love. We decided to give the long distance thing a try.
I went to his house again just a week later. Brought my friend with me and we all had a blast together and it was just as hard to say goodbye as the first time. But after my second visit, something changed that I cannot understand. Maybe two weeks after I left, he again got very detached, stopped calling me and texting me the way he did before. Stopped sharing his feelings with me almost entirely, or it would feel very forced. I immediately got a back flash to 2011 when we first lost each other. I tried to talk to him many times about what could be going on, but he always avoided a conversation. It got so bad that eventually he ignored my phone calls altogether. We had set plans for him to visit me but cancelled his trip the day of with the explanation that he was not well and needed to get him help because he was having bad thoughts. Although I knew that he was still suffering from PTSD, depression, nightmares and migraines, this came as a shock to me. He sounded very troubled, almost suicidal. He is in treatment and is doing counseling, so I thought it was under control. But on top of that he has been dealing with a lot of additional stress and trauma lately: his best friend deploying to Afghanistan, 4 deaths in a matter of a month, financial issues and other things. It was obvious that he was dealing with a lot. I tried to get through to him and be supportive, but our communication really took a dump from that point on. I tried to be there for him through anything but the more I tried, the more he shut down on me.
After giving him a few days without talking at all, I told him I missed my friend and finally he spoke to me. He would plead that nothing had changed between us and that none of what was going on with him had anything to do with us. Yet, everything changed. Given that it was such a young relationship and we had already fallen apart like this before I couldn’t help but be nervous and feel that his feelings for me were gone. I tried many times to talk to him and show him my concern, but he avoided any conversation and I felt there was no way to get through to him. Being in a different state didn’t help my case. So with his approval, I decided to fly out to him to see if being together things would feel normal and I could get a better idea of what was going on with him.
The trip was very eye opening. While he was never rude to me and always took care of me physically (made sure I was okay, cooked me food, took me out, etc.) I felt very much neglected throughout the trip. I honestly cannot remember him ever initiating a kiss or a hug, or even just holding my hand. When in public or surrounded by his friends, he wouldn’t even come near me or even sit next to me; he also barely acknowledged that I was even present. It felt as he was giving his friends more attention than me. When in privacy, we only touched if I initiated it. Something that was always significant about us was our amazing chemistry. We were like best friends with an amazing connection and sex life. All of a sudden, he is no longer seeking my affection. No kisses, no hugs. We would still have sex but one time he even claimed not to be in the mood, which was a complete shock to me. At some point of my stay I felt so emotionally neglected, that I had to walk out of the room and started crying. When he saw me, he simply said that we would have to talk later, as we had company. He turned around and left the room while I was crying. He left without a hug or a kiss or even showing concern about my emotions. This was honestly the most frightening thing I have experienced in a while. That he would be okay seeing me crying and have absolutely no reaction. He just walked away.
I ended up having to leave. I could not take “feeling emotionally neglected” anymore. Him telling me that nothing had changed, yet he wouldn’t come near me, turned down sex and avoided any type of confrontation or conversation.
After calling home in distress a few times, my friend insisted to drive 8 hours to come pick me up. I left late at night and my boyfriend was very perplexed when I told him. “What? Why? How? When” He didn’t say much of anything other than that he was confused and didn’t understand what he did. He then buried his head faced down in the bed with pillows.
I thought for sure this was the end. How could he let me fly across the country just to ignore me. After I had been asking him repeatedly to tell me if there were no feelings left. Why wouldn’t he tell me if he doesn’t want to be with me instead of wasting my time? I felt so humiliated.
Looking back I second guess my decision. I have done some research and I am starting to feel like most of his behavior can be linked to PTSD. When I try to talk to my friends, they tell me to stop making excuses for him. But how he goes from being head over heels into me and being my best friend in the world to just being completely detached and indifferent is not a rational reaction. The fact that this thing has happened twice now – 6 years apart- makes me believe this is something much deeper than just him and I. I know he has been through so much and he continues to face a lot of struggles, and I want to be there for him. But I am not sure how to do that or what my best strategy is in trying to get through to him. At the same time I do not want to be taken advantage of in the process. I want to believe that the person that is crazy about me and that I love being with is the REAL him and that the depressed, indifferent version of him that I have been experiencing is only a product of his depression and PTSD. I realize he will always be a combination of both and that it can never be “fixed”. But mainly I need to know if he just simply doesn’t care about me anymore or if whatever is happening is due to his PTSD and he does in fact still love me.
Please, I am in complete despair over the sudden turn my relationship has taken and I would appreciate any help in this matter. I will be there for him regardless, whether it is as his woman or his friend. But I don’t know how to approach him and how to be there for him without pushing him further away, so any advice will be greatly appreciated. Even similar experiences would help. Thank you in advance.
About 12 years ago I started talking to a solider online. At the time he was deployed in Iraq. We talked a lot but didn’t meet in person until a few years later when I happened to be on a road trip in his state. Although we hadn’t talked in a while, we connected again instantly and it was almost like love at first sight. We spent all of my vacation time together and even his friends and neighbors felt that we were perfect together. We ended up changing my travel arrangements for me to stay with him a few more days before returning home. At this time I learned that he had suffered severe trauma and injuries in the military service and was still dealing with depression, nightmares, migraines and other issues. It seemed as if he was getting treatment though and dealing with everything accordingly. Everything was going really well between us. For a second I thought I’d found my soul mate, but then all of a sudden he became very distant. Towards the end of my stay he just went from being extremely excited to have met me and in a lovey-dovey mode to very detached and emotionally unavailable.
Things fell apart and we didn’t speak for over a year. He hurt me really bad and it took me a long time to get over him. Eventually, we connected again through some of his old friends that I had the chance to meet during my visit back in the day. They still cared about me a lot and so they helped us get back in touch. He apologized for how he acted and how he hurt me and reasoned it by being “young and stupid” and that he deeply regretted dismissing me that way, because he in fact felt I was “the one”.
Over the next 5 years we would be in regular contact. Sometimes we wouldn’t speak for a few weeks, other times we would speak daily about anything that was going on in our lives. He helped me get through a very troublesome time, was always there when I needed him and that brought us even closer. I trusted him with my deepest feelings. I would consider him my best friend and my confidant, my go-to person if I was in need or just needed someone to talk to. We would laugh together and joke around with each other like only best friends would. I was able to talk to him about anything. It was so obvious that he was still beating himself up over how he acted towards me in the past and passed up on something that could’ve been so good. For 2 years we had been planning to visit each other, but a 500 mile distance and our careers and personal lives made it difficult so our plans always fell through until just recently. The plan was for me to come spent a long weekend at his house to meet with him and his friends for an annual house party. I went to see him without any expectations, just to reconnect with him and his friends whom I knew from back in the day. Never in a million years did I expect to rekindle old feelings.
I don’t know what to call it other than fate, but when we met again after almost 6 years everything felt as if we didn’t skip a single beat. All of the old emotions came back. It was unbelievable and neither one of us could believe that this was possible. We were so happy and excited that we got another try. He was very adamant about wanting to make things work this time and having learnt his lesson in the past. Our time together was beautiful. He was loving and caring and made me feel like the most beautiful and loved person in this world. Even after I left he would continuously reach out via text, phone calls or facetime. At no point did I even for a second doubt his commitment and love. We decided to give the long distance thing a try.
I went to his house again just a week later. Brought my friend with me and we all had a blast together and it was just as hard to say goodbye as the first time. But after my second visit, something changed that I cannot understand. Maybe two weeks after I left, he again got very detached, stopped calling me and texting me the way he did before. Stopped sharing his feelings with me almost entirely, or it would feel very forced. I immediately got a back flash to 2011 when we first lost each other. I tried to talk to him many times about what could be going on, but he always avoided a conversation. It got so bad that eventually he ignored my phone calls altogether. We had set plans for him to visit me but cancelled his trip the day of with the explanation that he was not well and needed to get him help because he was having bad thoughts. Although I knew that he was still suffering from PTSD, depression, nightmares and migraines, this came as a shock to me. He sounded very troubled, almost suicidal. He is in treatment and is doing counseling, so I thought it was under control. But on top of that he has been dealing with a lot of additional stress and trauma lately: his best friend deploying to Afghanistan, 4 deaths in a matter of a month, financial issues and other things. It was obvious that he was dealing with a lot. I tried to get through to him and be supportive, but our communication really took a dump from that point on. I tried to be there for him through anything but the more I tried, the more he shut down on me.
After giving him a few days without talking at all, I told him I missed my friend and finally he spoke to me. He would plead that nothing had changed between us and that none of what was going on with him had anything to do with us. Yet, everything changed. Given that it was such a young relationship and we had already fallen apart like this before I couldn’t help but be nervous and feel that his feelings for me were gone. I tried many times to talk to him and show him my concern, but he avoided any conversation and I felt there was no way to get through to him. Being in a different state didn’t help my case. So with his approval, I decided to fly out to him to see if being together things would feel normal and I could get a better idea of what was going on with him.
The trip was very eye opening. While he was never rude to me and always took care of me physically (made sure I was okay, cooked me food, took me out, etc.) I felt very much neglected throughout the trip. I honestly cannot remember him ever initiating a kiss or a hug, or even just holding my hand. When in public or surrounded by his friends, he wouldn’t even come near me or even sit next to me; he also barely acknowledged that I was even present. It felt as he was giving his friends more attention than me. When in privacy, we only touched if I initiated it. Something that was always significant about us was our amazing chemistry. We were like best friends with an amazing connection and sex life. All of a sudden, he is no longer seeking my affection. No kisses, no hugs. We would still have sex but one time he even claimed not to be in the mood, which was a complete shock to me. At some point of my stay I felt so emotionally neglected, that I had to walk out of the room and started crying. When he saw me, he simply said that we would have to talk later, as we had company. He turned around and left the room while I was crying. He left without a hug or a kiss or even showing concern about my emotions. This was honestly the most frightening thing I have experienced in a while. That he would be okay seeing me crying and have absolutely no reaction. He just walked away.
I ended up having to leave. I could not take “feeling emotionally neglected” anymore. Him telling me that nothing had changed, yet he wouldn’t come near me, turned down sex and avoided any type of confrontation or conversation.
After calling home in distress a few times, my friend insisted to drive 8 hours to come pick me up. I left late at night and my boyfriend was very perplexed when I told him. “What? Why? How? When” He didn’t say much of anything other than that he was confused and didn’t understand what he did. He then buried his head faced down in the bed with pillows.
I thought for sure this was the end. How could he let me fly across the country just to ignore me. After I had been asking him repeatedly to tell me if there were no feelings left. Why wouldn’t he tell me if he doesn’t want to be with me instead of wasting my time? I felt so humiliated.
Looking back I second guess my decision. I have done some research and I am starting to feel like most of his behavior can be linked to PTSD. When I try to talk to my friends, they tell me to stop making excuses for him. But how he goes from being head over heels into me and being my best friend in the world to just being completely detached and indifferent is not a rational reaction. The fact that this thing has happened twice now – 6 years apart- makes me believe this is something much deeper than just him and I. I know he has been through so much and he continues to face a lot of struggles, and I want to be there for him. But I am not sure how to do that or what my best strategy is in trying to get through to him. At the same time I do not want to be taken advantage of in the process. I want to believe that the person that is crazy about me and that I love being with is the REAL him and that the depressed, indifferent version of him that I have been experiencing is only a product of his depression and PTSD. I realize he will always be a combination of both and that it can never be “fixed”. But mainly I need to know if he just simply doesn’t care about me anymore or if whatever is happening is due to his PTSD and he does in fact still love me.
Please, I am in complete despair over the sudden turn my relationship has taken and I would appreciate any help in this matter. I will be there for him regardless, whether it is as his woman or his friend. But I don’t know how to approach him and how to be there for him without pushing him further away, so any advice will be greatly appreciated. Even similar experiences would help. Thank you in advance.
