cherokeeirish1
New Here
I am a 51 year old woman with ptsd. For years I have tried to avoid the fact that I have ptsd, all the while more trauma stacked up against me & made things worse for me! What did I do? I isolated, denied & made myself forget how to "feel". I'll start this at what originally caused the onset of my ptsd (or what I call my many past nightmares-although I do also suffer nightmares & night terrors. I consider the many traumas that haunt me the "real" nightmares.)
As a little girl growing up in a poorer section of Detroit, at the age of 7, I would never have thought my family was poor. At this point in my life my dad had lost an 18 year-long machinists job with Cadillac Motor. He was a good worker but had a quick temper & beat the be-jesus out of a co-worker because the guy tried to grab my mom's breast (my mom worked at cadillac too!) So, my dad lost his job & mom continued to work there. (She had worked for this company for many years both before & after my dad's employment there.)
By the time I was 7 we had moved from the suburbs to (the move actually happened when I was 2), my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, along with many other illnesses, including type II diabetes. I was a late-life child (mom was 39 yrs. old when I was born.) I was the baby & spoiled a lot so that I really didnt know that our family was actually very poor now. Especially after my mom had to stop work & go on disability as her illnesses got worse. Mom had many surgeries in the next few years after that. The reason we moved to the city was due to the death of my paturnal grandpa. My elderly, crippled grandma was having a hard time of it & her youngest son (my dad) moved our family to her bigger house in the city & took care of grandma. With all of these things happening in a short span of years, this is where my troubles soon began. Please let me say at this point, in all my 7 years my parents could not be a better mom & dad to have. I also had a sister that was 17 years my senior & she & I were like 2 peas in o pod! She had my 2 brothers to drive her nuts for years before I came along & I was a joy for her. She had told me that I had always behaved well & was a sweet lil one, while my brothers could be a pain. (my brothers were 16 & 14 years older than me.) As I got older they weren't around, but my younger brother of the 2 (Larry) was my favorite & we were the closest between my 2 brothers.
Sounds sweet so far right?! Heres where I dispense with basics & background & get to the reason I'm here.
As I got older, by the time I reached 7, I was a very rigbt little girl, but I was given way too much responsability in my young life. My mom was having problems with hurting where she had to inject her insulin in her stomach & thighs. My sis & my dad proved to be worse at it than my mom so, I ended up giving her insulin injections at the age of 7. My mom told me that she never felt a single shot I ever gave her. I was both gentle & quick & I've never regretted helping her when she needed me. The problem was with doing these types of things so young. This is one of the few things Im not ready to discuss.
My mom ended up having so many operations that she was being carved-up like a turkey. It was during the last of the 1960's & the 1970's. Back then they didn't know what they do now about cancer. She was being used as a test patient. She is one of the reasons they can save a lot of lives today! She had breast cancer, ovarian & uterian cancer (among a few others.) Also, during that time-period kids my age could not go on the floor to visit my mom! I was not old enough. I WAS old enough to inject her with insulin, but not to see her! I remember my dad picking me up in his arms & pointing to a window outside the hospital, where my mom was standing waving at me. I waved back & cried. I wanted to hug & kiss my mom & talk to her. I remember many things (all bad) during those last years of my mom's life. But, worst of all, after having my childs' eyes having to see wounds & hundreds of other things a lil girl should never have to see or hear, & experiencing the pain she endured. I was almost old enough to go visit my mom when my dad came home & told me my mommy was gone.
Now, I have lived thru my dad finding out he had a cancerous tumor on his brain. He didn't tell us. When he couldn't take the pain anymore, he went in his bedroom, got his 9mm & shot himself in the head. I got to see that too. My new husband & I got to clean up blood, brains & skull fragments. I was 24. If I wrote down everything, I'd have to write a novel; therefore, I'll give you quick highlights.
When I was 29 years old, my oldest brother was murdered-shot in the head. The next year my sister's beart burst & she died in a parking lot. The next year the oldest of my twin nieces (she was 20) who were raised from infancy in my home & are like my lil sisters, witnessed her feoncee' murdered by her crazy ex-husband. Then, he turned the 12 gauge on her. She fought back, but was shot twice in the leg then fell face down on the floor & was shot in the back. She played dead & waited til he left & pulled the phone to her by the wire & called 911. She is still alive by the grace of God. It is heart wrenching to see one of your family with a hole the size of a wall clock in her back!
To top all of this off, my 20 year old son went up to Michigan (in 2004) to visit his dad & grandma (I now live in Florida) for christmas. I got a call from his dad on the day after christmas. He told me my son was dead!
I have tried to kill myself 3 times after that news. It rils my heart out to this day. I have a beautiful & intelligent 23 yr. old
Daughter in Michigan. She has not spoken to me since she was 13. Why? Because someone told her a big, fat lie. There is not a day that I don't think about her. I miss her terribly.
And last of all, I have had 3 separate times that I had illnesses. I was in a coma with a fever that stayed at 108 degrees F for 3 days & at 106 for another 2 days. I was Injured at work. I got an infection & it went septic (got into my bloodstream). That was just one of the three times that I should have died. The doctors said so, but I guess God had other plans. I'm in pain 24/7. On top of this I've also had the shingles that has left me with nerve pain too. Every day is a struggle for me. I'm on Citalopram & Xanax for my ptsd & panic attacks. I have to take another half dozen types of meds to keep me alive, & then there are the pain meds that rid me of "part" of my pain. The doctors do what they can.
I usually don't sleep most nights, I like to sleep during the day if I can get to sleep. Most of the time nightmares wake me or terrors do just that!
There is still a long list of things I fight with every day. I have to keep a lamp on at night. If I were to doze off at night & have a bad one & wake to a dark room I would have one heck of a panic attack. But, believe it or not, it HAS gotten better than it was! The meds are helping. So is talking. But, the power to heal & help myself thru helping others is amazing. Sometimes people just need a sounding board. Just someone to talk to without a reply. And sometimes they also need to hear from someone who has been there too!
Whoa! Talk about texter's thumb! Well, thats' me!
God bless you!
Sandi
As a little girl growing up in a poorer section of Detroit, at the age of 7, I would never have thought my family was poor. At this point in my life my dad had lost an 18 year-long machinists job with Cadillac Motor. He was a good worker but had a quick temper & beat the be-jesus out of a co-worker because the guy tried to grab my mom's breast (my mom worked at cadillac too!) So, my dad lost his job & mom continued to work there. (She had worked for this company for many years both before & after my dad's employment there.)
By the time I was 7 we had moved from the suburbs to (the move actually happened when I was 2), my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, along with many other illnesses, including type II diabetes. I was a late-life child (mom was 39 yrs. old when I was born.) I was the baby & spoiled a lot so that I really didnt know that our family was actually very poor now. Especially after my mom had to stop work & go on disability as her illnesses got worse. Mom had many surgeries in the next few years after that. The reason we moved to the city was due to the death of my paturnal grandpa. My elderly, crippled grandma was having a hard time of it & her youngest son (my dad) moved our family to her bigger house in the city & took care of grandma. With all of these things happening in a short span of years, this is where my troubles soon began. Please let me say at this point, in all my 7 years my parents could not be a better mom & dad to have. I also had a sister that was 17 years my senior & she & I were like 2 peas in o pod! She had my 2 brothers to drive her nuts for years before I came along & I was a joy for her. She had told me that I had always behaved well & was a sweet lil one, while my brothers could be a pain. (my brothers were 16 & 14 years older than me.) As I got older they weren't around, but my younger brother of the 2 (Larry) was my favorite & we were the closest between my 2 brothers.
Sounds sweet so far right?! Heres where I dispense with basics & background & get to the reason I'm here.
As I got older, by the time I reached 7, I was a very rigbt little girl, but I was given way too much responsability in my young life. My mom was having problems with hurting where she had to inject her insulin in her stomach & thighs. My sis & my dad proved to be worse at it than my mom so, I ended up giving her insulin injections at the age of 7. My mom told me that she never felt a single shot I ever gave her. I was both gentle & quick & I've never regretted helping her when she needed me. The problem was with doing these types of things so young. This is one of the few things Im not ready to discuss.
My mom ended up having so many operations that she was being carved-up like a turkey. It was during the last of the 1960's & the 1970's. Back then they didn't know what they do now about cancer. She was being used as a test patient. She is one of the reasons they can save a lot of lives today! She had breast cancer, ovarian & uterian cancer (among a few others.) Also, during that time-period kids my age could not go on the floor to visit my mom! I was not old enough. I WAS old enough to inject her with insulin, but not to see her! I remember my dad picking me up in his arms & pointing to a window outside the hospital, where my mom was standing waving at me. I waved back & cried. I wanted to hug & kiss my mom & talk to her. I remember many things (all bad) during those last years of my mom's life. But, worst of all, after having my childs' eyes having to see wounds & hundreds of other things a lil girl should never have to see or hear, & experiencing the pain she endured. I was almost old enough to go visit my mom when my dad came home & told me my mommy was gone.
Now, I have lived thru my dad finding out he had a cancerous tumor on his brain. He didn't tell us. When he couldn't take the pain anymore, he went in his bedroom, got his 9mm & shot himself in the head. I got to see that too. My new husband & I got to clean up blood, brains & skull fragments. I was 24. If I wrote down everything, I'd have to write a novel; therefore, I'll give you quick highlights.
When I was 29 years old, my oldest brother was murdered-shot in the head. The next year my sister's beart burst & she died in a parking lot. The next year the oldest of my twin nieces (she was 20) who were raised from infancy in my home & are like my lil sisters, witnessed her feoncee' murdered by her crazy ex-husband. Then, he turned the 12 gauge on her. She fought back, but was shot twice in the leg then fell face down on the floor & was shot in the back. She played dead & waited til he left & pulled the phone to her by the wire & called 911. She is still alive by the grace of God. It is heart wrenching to see one of your family with a hole the size of a wall clock in her back!
To top all of this off, my 20 year old son went up to Michigan (in 2004) to visit his dad & grandma (I now live in Florida) for christmas. I got a call from his dad on the day after christmas. He told me my son was dead!
I have tried to kill myself 3 times after that news. It rils my heart out to this day. I have a beautiful & intelligent 23 yr. old
Daughter in Michigan. She has not spoken to me since she was 13. Why? Because someone told her a big, fat lie. There is not a day that I don't think about her. I miss her terribly.
And last of all, I have had 3 separate times that I had illnesses. I was in a coma with a fever that stayed at 108 degrees F for 3 days & at 106 for another 2 days. I was Injured at work. I got an infection & it went septic (got into my bloodstream). That was just one of the three times that I should have died. The doctors said so, but I guess God had other plans. I'm in pain 24/7. On top of this I've also had the shingles that has left me with nerve pain too. Every day is a struggle for me. I'm on Citalopram & Xanax for my ptsd & panic attacks. I have to take another half dozen types of meds to keep me alive, & then there are the pain meds that rid me of "part" of my pain. The doctors do what they can.
I usually don't sleep most nights, I like to sleep during the day if I can get to sleep. Most of the time nightmares wake me or terrors do just that!
There is still a long list of things I fight with every day. I have to keep a lamp on at night. If I were to doze off at night & have a bad one & wake to a dark room I would have one heck of a panic attack. But, believe it or not, it HAS gotten better than it was! The meds are helping. So is talking. But, the power to heal & help myself thru helping others is amazing. Sometimes people just need a sounding board. Just someone to talk to without a reply. And sometimes they also need to hear from someone who has been there too!
Whoa! Talk about texter's thumb! Well, thats' me!
God bless you!
Sandi
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