BrooklynYinzer
New Here
Hi
I'm new here, and new to the concept that I have PTSD after just having started therapy; I'm not new to CBT, but haven't had any up until now since
experiencing my trauma (except for one session immediately following the trauma). I thought I was ok but was in denial about how my trauma has been effecting my life & how heavy the baggage I carry from it is.
I am the victim of assault.
It happened 2 years ago. I was stalked into my building in Brooklyn, beaten and robbed (I'll spare the details in case anyone might be triggered but it was ugly). It happened in the lobby of my old building which 5 apts are branched off of including the one I lived in. All 4 of my neighbors were home but even though I screamed for help through the whole attack none of them opened their doors or called the police or helped in any way until after the attacker was gone and I stopped screaming. When the cops did show up, even though I gave a very specific description, they used it as an excuse to stop and frisk every black male in a 3 block radius for 20 minutes, people that looked nothing like my attacker, letting him get away. They never found the man who attacked and robbed me and stopped looking after that night. My boyfriend met me at the hospital and told me I'd be ok, to be more aware, and that it could have been worse.
I saw a therapist, was diagnosed with acute stress reaction, I took self defense. I was nervous, and traumatized, I had flash backs walking through the lobby of my building & nightmares, I was paranoid and fearful of being alone at night outside, and I became reclusive. My boyfriend travels for a living so when he would leave town, I stayed in every night I wasn't working and took cabs home at night always, straight home after working. After 6 months, I started to feel better. At least I thought I did... I became a master at thinking about happier things & distracting myself. Smoked more weed than ever! A little over a year after the attack I moved out of that building & in with my boyfriend which I thought would give me further closure. In general, I felt better than I did after the attack, but couldn't shake certain things. I would still get nervous being by myself, still have a stress reaction to fight scenes in movies/videos/real life, but then I started experiencing new things...
I started getting angry.
I started thinking about the incident and being mad that he got me, that I didn't fight back, that I didn't destroy him. I started wishing I could go back and have it happen again so I could have a go at him. Some days my rage consumed me. Some days I was ok. Some days people or things that made me mad over trivial things started to catch the vitriol I had for my attacker. Then my significant other became a regular receiver. Fights or arguments would trigger my rage, as if the sight of an angry man set off a switch in me. I did things in anger that I've never done before I was attacked that I regret, like break things and jumping on my boyfriend. I let my anger take control of me.
I also started flinching at things, a lot! For example, my boyfriend could go to kiss me, hug me, move past me, and I'd flinch. This was hurtful to him. If it happened out in the world or with other people it was easier to play off, but the flinching is a reaction I never had pre-mugging.
Apparently I have bad dreams; I don't remember them, but on several occasions, I've been asleep and my boyfriend (who i currently live with) has come to bed and snuggled up to me and I've reacted by screaming "No No get off of me get away!" And fighting him off of me. I'd wake up and realize what was happening and be in a state of panic that i couldn't explain, it was so confusing & strange.
I have also struggled with depression and accompanying substance abuse. I have always enjoyed smoking weed since I was 21, but never until I was mugged (right before I turned 27) did I smoke it constantly, all day every day. And a year after the mugging when the secondary (meaning not immediately followed by the actual mugging) depression set it, I began drinking more & more frequently & in greater amounts, which is something I've never previously enjoyed or partaken in more than 2-4 drinks a month in my life. I have trust issues with men & strangers and I have generally never been more cynical in my life.
Does it ever get better?
Will I ever have control over my anger?
Do you ever get your life back?
I'm new here, and new to the concept that I have PTSD after just having started therapy; I'm not new to CBT, but haven't had any up until now since
experiencing my trauma (except for one session immediately following the trauma). I thought I was ok but was in denial about how my trauma has been effecting my life & how heavy the baggage I carry from it is.
I am the victim of assault.
It happened 2 years ago. I was stalked into my building in Brooklyn, beaten and robbed (I'll spare the details in case anyone might be triggered but it was ugly). It happened in the lobby of my old building which 5 apts are branched off of including the one I lived in. All 4 of my neighbors were home but even though I screamed for help through the whole attack none of them opened their doors or called the police or helped in any way until after the attacker was gone and I stopped screaming. When the cops did show up, even though I gave a very specific description, they used it as an excuse to stop and frisk every black male in a 3 block radius for 20 minutes, people that looked nothing like my attacker, letting him get away. They never found the man who attacked and robbed me and stopped looking after that night. My boyfriend met me at the hospital and told me I'd be ok, to be more aware, and that it could have been worse.
I saw a therapist, was diagnosed with acute stress reaction, I took self defense. I was nervous, and traumatized, I had flash backs walking through the lobby of my building & nightmares, I was paranoid and fearful of being alone at night outside, and I became reclusive. My boyfriend travels for a living so when he would leave town, I stayed in every night I wasn't working and took cabs home at night always, straight home after working. After 6 months, I started to feel better. At least I thought I did... I became a master at thinking about happier things & distracting myself. Smoked more weed than ever! A little over a year after the attack I moved out of that building & in with my boyfriend which I thought would give me further closure. In general, I felt better than I did after the attack, but couldn't shake certain things. I would still get nervous being by myself, still have a stress reaction to fight scenes in movies/videos/real life, but then I started experiencing new things...
I started getting angry.
I started thinking about the incident and being mad that he got me, that I didn't fight back, that I didn't destroy him. I started wishing I could go back and have it happen again so I could have a go at him. Some days my rage consumed me. Some days I was ok. Some days people or things that made me mad over trivial things started to catch the vitriol I had for my attacker. Then my significant other became a regular receiver. Fights or arguments would trigger my rage, as if the sight of an angry man set off a switch in me. I did things in anger that I've never done before I was attacked that I regret, like break things and jumping on my boyfriend. I let my anger take control of me.
I also started flinching at things, a lot! For example, my boyfriend could go to kiss me, hug me, move past me, and I'd flinch. This was hurtful to him. If it happened out in the world or with other people it was easier to play off, but the flinching is a reaction I never had pre-mugging.
Apparently I have bad dreams; I don't remember them, but on several occasions, I've been asleep and my boyfriend (who i currently live with) has come to bed and snuggled up to me and I've reacted by screaming "No No get off of me get away!" And fighting him off of me. I'd wake up and realize what was happening and be in a state of panic that i couldn't explain, it was so confusing & strange.
I have also struggled with depression and accompanying substance abuse. I have always enjoyed smoking weed since I was 21, but never until I was mugged (right before I turned 27) did I smoke it constantly, all day every day. And a year after the mugging when the secondary (meaning not immediately followed by the actual mugging) depression set it, I began drinking more & more frequently & in greater amounts, which is something I've never previously enjoyed or partaken in more than 2-4 drinks a month in my life. I have trust issues with men & strangers and I have generally never been more cynical in my life.
Does it ever get better?
Will I ever have control over my anger?
Do you ever get your life back?
