General On Emotional Mgmt/Keeping the Peace

[peachykehn]

Hi friends,

I want and need to explore some tools for my household to keep the enviornment as stable as possible. Peace in my home is vital to me and my children and of couse, my husband, who suffers with PTSD, too! More so for him I think, but no less for all of us in reality.

So who has some advice or proven tools that they have used to help keep the status quo when your sufferer is triggered, or is having an episode? There has to be a way to train my kids and myself when things start to get out of control, so that it doesn't go over the edge.:dontknow:

Let me clarify in saying that this has to do with OUR reactions, not his. It is clear that he is completely unable to do much about his reactions when it hits. While he will not scream or yell unless provoked by me (what's wrong, why are you doing this...etc.) I would love some advice on how to not dwell on it, let it ruin our day, etc., and just move on to what we were doing as a family, etc.

I would also love some advice on how to answer my 13 year old's questions after that and what a good discussion would look like. I really want her to understand when she is saying "what is wrong with him, mom?" So far, my explanation gets rolling of the eyes and she doesn't get it. Course sometimes I don't either...lol.:rofl:

Thanks for everything, this is just such a great place!

Cori

 

[Shoka]

Sounds like you are asking how to "detach with love" and that is hard to do. It is obviously important for you to learn how NOT to escalate a situation when he is triggering. Allowing him to have some physical and emotional space is huge. Keeping to a routine is also important, at least it is for my sufferer, not having guests over or being on the phone having loud conversations with friends, etc.

I would try to come up with a plan you could talk about with him when he's not triggering. It's hard to get there, but in my circumstance, my BF and I agreed there may be times when we need to get out of the house or disengage in some other way.

Your 13 year old should be old enough to begin to understand some of the basics of PTSD, no? I don't know if there are any educational things that he or she can become familiar with so that he or she knows a little more information about the disorder?

Shoka

 

[Nicolette]

some advice or proven tools that they have used to help keep the status quo when your sufferer is triggered, or is having an episode? There has to be a way to train my kids and myself when things start to get out of control, so that it doesn't go over the edge.:dontknow:

Hi Cori. What you are asking is actually easier than you think. The best thing I have found is to leave your sufferer alone. Just let them be. Don't hound and ask if they are ok or don't keep pushing to find out what is wrong. Work out a language and teach it to your children. Eg if Anthony seems to be heading down a bumpy road all I have to ask him, if unsure, is "are you getting sick". If I get a NO answer then I know its something else; if it is a yes or nothing then I know it is PTSD. That is my key to then back right off.

If you watch your sufferer you will learn the way they cope during these times and all you need to do is respect that. Anthony and I now communicate really well and he says to me "I'm having today off" or "I am not doing anything today". As I have learned, if I let him have his space at this time then it usually doesn't get any worse than him not doing anything for the day.

Shoka is right and you have to detach with love but you also have to hold back on any motherly instinct to nuture or fuss as this doesn't do anyone any favours. Respect that generally isolation gives them a chance to pull themselves together. You add stress with any good intentions. :rolleyes:

While he will not scream or yell unless provoked by me (what's wrong, why are you doing this...etc.)

You have actually answered your own question above! You are adding to his stress by provoking. Don't ask questions as he is not capable of giving you answers while in this state.

I would love some advice on how to not dwell on it, let it ruin our day, etc., and just move on to what we were doing as a family, etc.

This is something you must work out for yourself. The word sick works for me so I think Anthony is sick and that is why he can't participate today. Yes sometimes it is frustrating, especially if you were counting on them for something but it's just the way it is. I know when I am sick I feel like crap and don't feel like doing anything so again, that is why the word sick works for me. You will have to come to terms that there will be times when your husband will not be able to be a present family member. The way to "just move on to what we were doing" is exactly that. Accept your husband is not there and just do what it was you were going to do anyway. There is no need to feel guilt for getting on with life.

I would also love some advice on how to answer my 13 year old's questions after that and what a good discussion would look like. I really want her to understand when she is saying "what is wrong with him, mom?"

Here are some examples of what you might want to try saying to your daughter (I am no expert...this is just my interpretation):

• PTSD is an anxiety disorder which occurs when a sufferer of Post Traumatic Stress overloads resulting in a physiological change in a person's brain. This generally occurs due to the person suffering abnormal and/or life threatening stress. Once this occurs they are no longer able to process things like normal people and their bodies remain in a higher than normal state of stress hence why what may seem as a minimal stress to us can actually push them over the edge making them sick. This heightened state of stress can cause them to have extreme reactions to things which "trigger" their initial trauma.

• Putting it really simply....your husband is sick with an anxiety disorder which has changed his brain. He can not deal with things like you and me as his body now reacts differently.

• Ask your daughter has she ever felt stressed. Then ask her how it made her feel. Then say to her well that is what level your dad feels without anything stressing him. His cup of stress is already half full when he starts the day so it fills up quicker than ours which starts off as empty.

• Things which remind your dad of what made him sick in the first place can make his brain overload so his body shuts down to try and cope which is why he then can't do anything.

• Sometimes dad feels like his head is going to explode or he is that stressed that just even talking to you or me is too hard or can over-fill his cup making him sick.

• It is really hard for dad to do things like we can. If he broke his leg we could see the plaster and we know he could not run. Dad's brain has been hurt so he can no longer process some emotional and stressful things like we can and he may simply over-react to what most people could process without any outward signs or reactions.. He is still smart but his brain now works differently.

 

[Frankie]

Hi peachy,

I read your post yesterday and wanted to give you a great reply.......but now I read the replies you already received and it mirrors what I would have given you. Soka and Nicolette gave excellent points !

I can't stress enough the "giving space and privacy" that is so crucial to one with ptsd....never push....they will talk when and if they are ready to.

Learn to spot his reactions to situations...you will be able to avoid them or at least make them less stressful for him. Because I truly believe you can't avoid everything, he has to also be able to control some situations.......that is called life, there will be stress everywhere ! Good thing to point out....good stress is just as bad for someone with ptsd.

When I was with my now exbf, (he is the one that has ptsd)......We used to talk often......so, when he was in a good, controlled mood, I used to ask him "how better can I help you" "tell me what you need from me" .......Not everyone has the same reactions, so it is always good to know from him what will trigger him !

And most importantly, do not take his "absence" personal....he is being "absent" so he can recharge.........it has nothing to do with you....but all to do with him....

Respect and give him the space he needs.....but take care and time for you too ! Do not change your lifestyle completely to accomodate only him....don't forget about YOU !

Frankie