On The Verge Of A Breakdown

[Momma Kitty]

I read a thread about Psychotic Breaks, but was unable to post as a new member. The thread alarmed me beyond description? After my diagnosis in the 90's, I became aware of "triggers" that would send me running.

Since then, I divorced my ex which took a difficult two years. As I was finally getting my life under control and loving my regained independence, my only child became pregnant her sophmore year in college by a spoiled arrogant controlling boy in which I did not approve. Just after the birth of my first grandchild, my lover of the past year and I married. My new husband's ex wife of years, suddenly decided to file legal actions and illegally preventing him from being a part of his minor children's life. My new son-in-law cut me off from my daughter and grandchild until he called me nine months later because my daughter had jumped on a bus with the baby annonymously running from him. My sweet husband and I took her and the baby in immediately. She turned out pregnant with my second grandchild. That was 2007 and they still live with us. 2008, my ex's girlfriend began attacking me via email and cyberstalking. My ex filed legal actions and broke in to my previous property. By this time we are broke from lawyer costs. The cyberstalking still continues and the legal actions are not settled yet. Plus both my jobs are now at risk due to my repeated absense and inability to do my best.

I have felt like a break down is oncoming and doing all I can do to prevent it. I am taking vitamins, generic xanax, sleeping too much, and trying not to worry, unsuccessfully, about what is not getting done.

I am so scared of losing it. Add my Dad not allowing my sisters to speak to me, my house needing major repairs, the financial strain, and my cats disappearing. Am I cursed?

 

[Paloma]

I am sorry you have such a storm of crap to deal with. Doesn't it seem like we get these patches in our lives where everything goes wrong? I like to think that laws of nature suggest 'for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction'. In other words, it sucks now but not forever...it will eventually improve.

Do you have a therapist? If money is an issue...is there a community clinic or university clinic? Kudos to you for trying to take care of yourself...and being here. Focus on stuff you can do something about. Can the cyber stalker be reported to the police (some cities have cyber crime divisions) or their server (AOL, Yahoo or whoever)? Can you change your email address? Can any of the home repairs be tackled by you and your SO as a fun distraction? Maybe take a home repair course or get some videos and books from the library? I just find it helps to have actions I can take and put the rest on hold. Chunk it down.

As far as psychotic breaks go...it's a fairly rare phenomenon. I don't know if there are any stats for PTSDers...but I have the impression it's not that common even with us. I do have and have had psychotic breaks. No...not fun. Scary mainly when I didn't know what was going on. I can only speak to my experience. I am aware on some level that I am in an altered state and that I am hearing things that aren't there, smelling/sensing things now from the past...kind of like a brain leak in the memory dept. It generally only lasts for minutes...but I may have episodes for weeks. Medications and taking steps to get help earlier have taken care of a lot of it. And I understand what is happening to me and avoid ratcheting it up with fear. Maybe it's like having mild epilepsy...you have a psychological seizure every so often and you just accept that it happens.

Does that help at all? I wish you peace and beauty.

 

[Momma Kitty]

No, I do not have a counselor currently. Yes, money is the issue. We are working on as much as possible ourselves. I just max out, and that is not good when grandbabies live with me. I have been fighting too much with my daughter lately.

I filed charges on the cyberstalker and they were never served. Her ex was the previous county clerk, thus she has political pull. My previous town officials now think I am some kind of greedy vendictive ex thanks to her gossip and manipulating. All because I got a good deal from my ex in our divorce settlement by her standards. No one there knew I was a widow with money or that I was the main income and had paid for our home. I washed my hands of it all since he and I have nothing to connect us any longer. My daughter, his stepdaughter since she was five, has now chose to cut him out of her life. Hopefully, my stalker will get bored and move on soon. She monitors my profile on myspace. She has the money as a CPA to cause me serious issues, like spyware. Hope it will be all over soon.

I have been having loss of memory lately. It is scarey. My life is very disorganized which I cannot tolerate. I have a constant buzzing in my head from the time I wake until I sleep. Seems I cannot get away from the stress. Both my jobs, my daughter, my ex, his girlfriend, my new husband's ex, all bounce me around, one after the other. Thank God I find peace and protection in the comfort of my husband's company. We have been together since 2005. He is very understanding about my inability to do things because of the anxiety, fear, stress, etc. Unfortunately, it doesn't get done until I get to it.

I find myself hiding more and more these days. Today, I cooked supper. My daughter comes home with the babies and chaos begins. I try to get things finished but the interuptions, fussing, and stress of trying to get it all on the table overwhelmed me. My husband finished mixing the macaroni and cheese, while I ran off to our room. He came in with his plate (I didn't eat) and we talked until I left for my evening job.

I need control of my life and it is impossible with a 24 year old daughter trying to assert her adult rights and not taking enough responsibility. She is unable to hear what I need from her, like just keeping the kitchen and bathroom clean. The babies are 3 1/2 and almost 2. Our home is only 950 square feet, versus my previous home of 2100 sq ft and two stories. If I can get organized and have the house winterized, I should settle some. Let's just hope something else doesn't happen any time soon.

 

[Grama-Herc]

I know the stress when if seems as if everything is standing on top of you. You feel like just "One more little thing" and it is all gonna come tumbling down. Been there, done that and got the T shirt.

Breathe my friend, breathe! Deep calming, cleansing breathes. I know it sounds simple, but it really works.

 

[Momma Kitty]

I just exploded on my only child and ran back out to my room.
She is jumped a bus and ran from her ex in 2007. She came with a toddler and pregnant.
Today she got home, came in my room with the babies.
I got her to bring me a bag of potatoes to cut up for supper.
The oldest grandchild stayed with me, while she took the younger with her.
When finished, I brought the bowl of potatoes to the kitchen to cook.
The smell of cat hit me hard at the door.
I had not left my room all day. I could not handle the smell and screamed at her.
I set down the bowl and returned to my room after a heated verbal argument.
She spoke condesending to me and arrogant. I called her spoiled and nasty.
She is codependent on me taking care of her and the babies.
I am so scared. I am so defeated. I am so lost. I am at my end.

 

[suzie q]

This may sound simple and stupid, but when I get overwhelmed with problems and stress I have to take a deep breath, let it out slowly, repeat at least 10 times. I must have a private, quiet place to do this, and if that means leaving the house, I do. If it's raining, I'll sit in the car. If not, I go for a walk down my road. Then when I have centered myself, I go inside and privately work on a list of things bothering me. I know you'll probably say it would take to long, but that doesn't matter. The point is to get a visual on your problems so that you are not emotionally tied in.

I write lists. I keep the panic out of them and then I list them in priority. Which one, if handled and solved, will cause me the most peace. It doesn't matter that you can't solve them now, just prioritize.

Next I take a clean sheet of paper and write possible solutions to each problem. Doesn't matter that it might or might not work out, stay in the solution, not the problem. When that's done, I look at the problems I have no control over. Each one is written on a piece of paper, folded and dated. I put these in my "God box" and wait one week. My goal in doing this is to not think or obsess over those particular stresses.

After that week, I go someplace quiet (sometimes its in the bedroom with the door locked and ear plugs in. It works!!) I go through each problem and determine if anything has changed. Do I have any new solutions to put on my list? If nothing has changed and I'm still worried about it, I re-date the paper and put it back in my box. If something has changed, but problems still exist in that area, I will re-write the problem and put in my box for another week. Those things that have worked themselves out or are no longer a stress get thrown away or burned, never to be worried about again.

I had to learn to let go of things in my head so I wouldn't constantly be hurting myself for not solving them. I had to learn to let go and try not to control.

I suddenly noticed a pattern while using this technique. I liked to hold on to the negative and the stress because it kept me going in life. Not a very good quality of life, but I was moving. I was addicted to the chaos. I knew nothing else, it had been in my life all along. I have to handle one thing at a time to get results. I wasn't some superhero, I often broke under the pressure. I was putting to much pressure on myself and allowing others to do the same. I had to learn to take care of me first, then everyone else could take a number and have a seat. I wasn't responsible for their choices in life.

My favorite saying these days is, "it's none of your business what others say or think of you."

 

[Healing Survivor]

Sounds like things are so tough right now, I'm sorry. :( I hate to even bring this up because I know how hard it would be, but what's the possibility of your daughter moving out? Getting her own place?

 

[mjava]

The impending signs of a breakdown or a psychotic break may be different for everyone, but I know for me I started to feel more :eek: over things. My therapist saw warning signs and was telling me I *sounded* delusional and paranoid (delusions of granduer and paranoia) which at the time made me feel that my experiences were being dismissed (real things were happening, but the subtlty was my exagerated reactions). I became hyper vigialiant and hyper sensitive to stressors.

I wish I would have taken her advice to get on a mild anti-psychotic drug because what followed was so sudden and incredibly destructive I'll never get over it.

If you can prevent such a thing from happening, do so quickly.

 

[Momma Kitty]

I unloaded on my daughter today. She ran in the bedroom like I was gonna kill her or something? All day long, I listened to her yell... at the kids, at the dog, at me, over and over. I took the kids and went to the store for about an hour. Came home and cooked a pot roast. When I sat at the computer trying to work, it got worse. Finally, I got up and put the kids in time out. She yelled at me not to discipline her kids.

She is 24 and been living with me for three years. I yelled back this time instead of storming out. I needed to finish my computer work before heading out to work. It was impossible.

My head keeps this constant buzzing sound. My heart rate stays above 100. I don't know how I keep going. I love my daughter and grandbabies more than my own life. They have no where to go unless they move to another county. She has a part time job with the promise of becoming more in town.

Life is very hard for them right now. She is very spoiled because I had plenty of money while she was growing up. Her Dad, my first husband, died when she was just 6 weeks old. We are more like a partnership than a Mother/Daughter relationship.

The arguments have become more severe. During the first couple years, it was all good. This past year, since she went to work, seems I am doing everything. When ever I try to get her to do more, she gets defensive. I am angry and hurt.

Her self esteem is very low just like when she was in high school. I fear for her future. Yet I cannot continue to live like this. Something has to give, probably me.

The house is nasty. She brought home a wild puppy. The kids cry every day about something. Tonight, both sides of the sink are filled with dirty dishes. I am wore out.

 

[clare]

I endured chaos such as you describe for a long time before getting help. I don't know what is available in your area but you need to try to find some domestic support. Community Service Advocacy groups can offer a multitude of benefits but it depends on your financial status. If you have too much money/ins. your not eligible however, unless you claim your daughter and grandchildren as dependents, they should be. If that doesn't work I would seriuosly consider a part time nanny, housekeeper or dinner time babysitter(I happily paid $40 a week for 3 hours of uniterrupted me time!). Try these numbers to start, they may be locally based where I'm at but should be able to give you a referral: Parents Helping Parents-1-800-882-1250, The Parental Stress Line-24hr 1-800-981-4357.

Take care,

clare

 

[Clarity99]

Momma Kitty,

Of course you love your daughter and grandchildren but something needs to change quick!! My mom and I have very different personalities and we could never live under the same roof.

Do you know anything about Co-Dependency? There is some great info on this forum. Your daughter should be able to get WIC, food stamps, housing assistance and other help as a single mom with 2 kids. As long as she is living with you, you are enabling her disrespectful behavior, and she needs to learn how to take care of things on her own.

I know its not simple and I'm sorry for being blunt but it is NOT OK for anyone: you, your daughter, your husband, your grandchildren, to live in this sort of toxic environment. Things will only change when someone steps up and sets some clear, healthy boundaries.

I really do hope you can get this figured out soon.


Parenting Crisis Hotline:
1-800-448-3000

 

[Momma Kitty]

The next day, my daughter cleaned and when I called her from work asking if she needed anything, she replied, "Yeah, my sanity."

Things have calmed again. It seems to take me breaking before she cleans. We decided the shots she was taking for birth control had affected her when she didn't get one this month.

There is no where in our county for her to move. She works for the county, thus needs to remain living in the area for her job. We are trying to set up structure and organize the house once again. Everything was fine for the first couple years since she and the babies moved in. The stress has happenned in the past year.

I tried to empty my previous home which only resulted in boxes piled everywhere in the livingroom here, preventing its use. Even after the yard sale, we still have too much stuff and not enough tiime to go through it all. I am focused on getting the boxes gone and the house organized before the holidays. (Most boxes are my books.)

The babies are now 3 1/2 and 2 years old. Their ages add to the stress, plus her working hours, my two jobs, and the financial stress. Put clutter in there, and we are in chaos at all times. But we are a tight family full of love.