I have had a close friend talk with my ex and succeed in essentially saying everything I have empathetically and patiently spoken to my ex about for years in order to address things and move forward.
Seeing him silently listen and recognise he was not taking any of it on board…again. Initial plan he put forward to first contact SW-he did none of it. SW contract he signed to say he’d do when in their assessment period-he did none of it. Counciling he eventually did, he was given techniques and a month after the counselling completed he complained the counselling ‘didn’t work’, I explored what his expectation of counselling working was, asked him if they’d explored techniques and strategies he should look to apply and practice, he said they did-he applied none of it and blamed the counselling not working. He was put forward for an anger management course-took himself off it and his animosity toward me only grew. He came back from private counselling and said that what they said and put forward were all things I put forward for him to help himself-he applied none of it.
When he got angry he would be as intimidating as he could be and when that didn’t work he’d be all ‘woe is me’ DARVO techniques so so later have learnt.
He’s a bitter person and only more bitter now but with me to aim it toward. Not communicate and instead build silent resentment and then explode it all out.
I’ve been constructive in what I have put forward for him to help himself and he’d become silently enraged and then randomly be awful in how he was with me outside of any real time context.
He said to me so many times he was doing work to help himself in the background and when I showed curiosity in what he was doing he’d become enraged and angry. I honestly think he wants me to believe his words and sack off the evidence that nothing was progressing.
I’ve explained if jo changes are made then we cannot continue as we are then he’d emotionally blackmail me saying he’d be better off dead. I’d disagree and highlight my belief that we’d be healthier for our daughter living as separated parents than together and he’d escalate and repeat being better off dead.
I have experienced numerous suicides of family and people I have known over the years so didn’t take it lightly at first. It’s not easy to come to terms with beginning to recognise that a partner who claims they love you would sooner emotionally manipulate me and I’ve spent a long time believing he was meaning what he said however I look back now and sadly am confident that it was emotional blackmail and he’s played on his awareness and knowledge of my life experiences and fears.
I reached the stage where I said we needed to look at separating and it was something to be discussed when he was calm. Any attempts to do so, he’d escalate-intimidate and then emotionally blackmail again.
I put forward again and again that being 2 separated healthy parents is best for our daughter and he’d remain cyclic in how he was about it all.
Given he has my money in the house bought which is in his sole name. He began saying I was with him for his money toward the end as well when I’ve taken a huge financial risk in putting forward again significant amount of inheritance through selling where I owned outright yet I am somehow with him for money.
Car insurance that came out of his account he is doubling the amount of as it came out of his bank shortly after we separated (all my money being in the house in his name) and he’s dictating everything instead of using a more reasoned approach.
I’ve bent over backwards and more to encourage his personal wellbeing and relationship with himself and he’s consistently played himself as a victim after being as emotionally and mentally intimidating as he can be.
I have had in my head for so long that this is all a prolonged trauma response he has ingrained in him and at some point will see a way forward that is pragmatic and healthy for us all as humans but I think I’ve been telling myself that to try and reach ‘the other side’ of it all.
He said his anger would stop when he had financial investment in a house together and it only got worse. Is he lying to just me? I’ve looked to believe that it’s a coping mechanism that he’d be able to functionally approach learning new coping strategies in respect of and I’ve clearly being bullshitting myself.
I remember once saying I was walking in blind hope things would progress positively and he said he had blind hope too which was a ouss take because if he chose to apply constructive mechanisms then he’d be aware of it and thus not blind.
He has wanted to be a victim of his own life, I think. I have a break down and now I feel played and unseen in that I’ve been played.
I cannot emphasise how isolating it is to be emotionally and mentally abused and seldom believed.
It has had me hating myself because in my breakdown I have had myself questioning and researching into whether I’m sociopath or psychopath or have some kind of huge mental illness and without getting into counselling services myself, I still believe what he said when I was in the mental health hospital-that I am manipulative. It’s had me going down a route of second guessing myself however I have to remind myself of the verbal contracts he made to me, to SW teams and how he followed through on applying no healthy strategies and treat me like an emotional punchbag.
He knew I’ve had anxiety and depression for years, he knew I’ve had and have a predisposition to psychotic breakdowns. He’s showed Jo empathy, no kindness. Always looked for a route to have a reason to be angry and still has in some of the interactions we’ve had over videocall with no audience.
He’s really Jeckyl and Hyde and this is the second relationship I’ve had like this. First one with a child in the dynamic.
I am of the belief our daughter needs two healthy parents whom can be respectful with one another and effectively communicate and consider the other even though separated as if she has one unwell parent then the other parent, regardless of being separated, still considers the other parent respectfully and desires they return to the best health they can and that they’d wish for a child to have 2 healthy, strong parents. When one isn’t well, the other picks up to a degree to enable our daughter to see that neglect isn’t healthy.
He had a bad back a while ago and I showed concern in front of our daughter. Regardless of whether I like my ex or not, it’s reasonable to show consideration and compassion and endeavour to share a desire they recover well.
He couldn’t give a flying fondant fancy in that regard and it scares me that I have a lifetime of this and it feeds in to compromising my mental health. That is not of benefit to our daughter, that’s of benefit to him in respect of having a control mechanism and it petrifies me.
Having an uncle that is playing into his hand is so frustrating. I have my daughter with me now and he’s explained to me of having a long conversation with my ex in respect of our daughter and him being anxious of her being with me and him needing reassurance. He’s enabled deteriorating my mental health to a crashing point and it’s been my worst nightmare to date, psychosis is an awfully traumatising experience in itself. Psychosis with a child involved now I am a parent has been a whole new kind of awful.
I’ve been treat by SW since like I need to be protected from my daughter just in case I abduct her. The assuming the worst is flipping awful-in this day and age, also not possible nor pragmatic to do so. It would mean seeing my child even less so there’d be no benefit included-I haven’t become that irrational nor have I ever been when outside of psychosis.
Is it unreasonable that I don’t wish for my daughter to have an emotionally abusive father and her witness how he is with me? No, because it can increase her likelihood of having a partner that treats her as I have been treat.
I’ve put forward to my ex the question ‘would he want our daughter to have a partner who treats her how he treats me?’-he instantly said no and then makes no pragmatic shifts toward either doing the healing work or looking to separate so we can be 2 functional parents in 2 separate homes.
I have asked him also ‘would you want your best friend to stay in a relationship where they are treat the way that you treat me?’ Again, a no.
Again no changes.
Now he is someone whom weaponises his silence in equal measure to his aggression.
Without being there through the entirety of our relationship, it seems others would sooner see me as the problem and not a survivor looking to recover and in need of support to regain resilience, self-esteem and regain my strength.
I really worry of how this will affect my daughter in the long term as he has been comfortable to see me homeless which provides him full control and my uncle saying I’m stupid when I was, at the time, investing in what I believed to be for the best at the time, not from a position of hindsight…it depletes me, it lowers my resilience at a time when I have little and need to regain strength through love and healthy consideration.
I have seen her for 14hrs in 5-6 months and I’ve been grieving for my living child every day over that time.
I have no idea how my ex treats my daughter when no one is watching and that worries me greatly yet that and the above is of no concern to anyone as I see it presently.
The social team have no interest in my breakdown having been a direct cause of an ex whom has been awful to me in our daughter presence and how distressing I have found it as a mother and a partner to be in receipt of and be further distressed knowing this is what our child is witnessing and potentially learning is a ‘normal’ relational dynamic.
A truly healthy parent does not seek to keep the other parent unwell or give not a shit about the other parents health as the other parents health and wellbeing will of course have an impact upon child also over the long term.
I sadly and painfully believe he truly wants to be this ‘winner’ and have a ‘loser’ rather than 2 parents that are ‘winning’ healthily for theirselves and their child grows to see 2 functional parents.
Why would someone choose this? Thats where my thoughts return to becoming stuck…there isn’t a reasonable answer as I see it.
I don’t know if I’ll ever feel as if I’ll have a healthy distance from this painful dynamic at the moment.
When he’s reasonable it all seems like an act to me now because it’s a show he puts on.
I need counselling but before that I need to be of a fixed abode which I currently am not, of no concern to my ex. It works in his favour-he dictates my ability to be honed somewhere that enables us both more balanced contact with our daughter.
He claims his decisions are based on our daughter’s best interest now.
We’re both autistic, he and I and I completed his referral form for his diagnosis.
I go mute at times now, simply allow healthy boundaries and how people speak to me be crossed because if I stand up for myself it’s gotten me ill not well.
I am borrowing money from family I haven’t seen in many years, not having a home means not working. Not having a home means prolonged instability for me and I hate it. I HYPERsleep to cope and it’s problematic, I know, yet is it unreasonable given my internal body is persistently in an adrenal stress response with how things are presently.
I need this to be a nightmare I wake up from and it isn’t. My daughter needs me and I need her.
My ex is all about coercive control, under the radar neglect and each day he scares me and he’s not even within a short distance of me. He’s over a 2.5hr distance away.
I feel brainwashed into a persistent threat response. Am I doing this to myself??? Am I the problem and not the problem is the problem???
