Online Relationships

[Changing4Best]

Since I am an avid computer hobbyist and also live way out in the mountains where getting around without a car is next to impossible. I tend to have many online friendships and relationships. Some are shallow, some deep. Some tend almost to become more than just online, one actually did. However, it never went anywhere, since I was married at the time (even though he desparately tried to make it into a love relationship anyway!!!).

I find myself sometimes getting rattled by someone pushing their point of view down my throat, asserting their rightness, no matter how much I point out that I have a right to be doing what I am doing in my life without being told I am "wrong." Some folks just "have to be right" and that is where I get rattled, since my abusers always "had to be right even when they were wrong" too.

I should just press "delete" or go on to the next note and ignore it, but there is that part of me that just wants to prove that I AM right, to assert myself, when I know I am right, for me anyway (even when what I might be doing might not be right for that other person in their own life).

Do any of you find yourselves in this kind of situation online or in "real life?"

 

[Five Leaves Left]

Hi, Sheila. I hate hearing skewed perceptions and understand your pain. There's so many subtleties to situations that less sensitive people do not pick up on and choose to get headstrong about. I've recently started trying to focus on the voices that aren't know-it-alls and that do see things more clearly & with less aggression. It's hard to do, but it's definitely helped me be reminded that there are folks out there that aren't mean spirited. I also recommend deleting or ignoring the negative stuff. It's their stuff.

 

[Changing4Best]

"Hi Five" (Just could not resist using that "cliche" to say HI ;)
In some cases I cannot "delete" because the message is part of a digest of 10 notes all from the same group, but ignore and not reply to I SHOULD do, you are right. I can reply once, maybe twice, then if they keep pushing their viewpoint, I can simply ignore from that point on. With this one, if she replies to my last note, thanks for giving me the courage to do just that, because I *KNOW* she will! (And I know I should ignore, for my own well being). There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Plenty more things to do online, than get caught up in an arguement with some bullheaded person. I agree!

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Sheila,

All relationship online or in real life require boundaries. There may be slightly different boundaries per person ( i.e husband vs. acquaintance vs. therapist) but the principle of the foundation is the same.

I have had to cut people off for crossing those boundaries. I do believe in some cases they deserve to be told and given another chance but only in some cases. A man trying to come after you but you are married is not one of them. A friend asking about a trauma is one where you can say: "I am sorry but I don't want to talk about that right now." Friend backs off realizing their mistake and that you are not ready. Those are different. Can that friend ask in future? Yes! They are your friend and they care. But if they push and threaten...You know?

Getting into arguments online... There are not only better things to do online but also you should have more respect for your self and your own mental health. Some people are simply trolls.

I should say that I do believe in online relationships. I have met some great people here on this forum that if given the chance I would love to met. But those people have proved themselves to be valuable people and shown me that I can trust them.

Best wishes in your relationships!

 

[Changing4Best]

Yes, boundaries, I agree. Although I have a hard time enforcing them, for when we were young and being abused, of course, there were no boundaries allowed! I get caught up in that sometimes and I forget. You are right, of course. Thanks!

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I agree that it can be hard to enforce. I had the same problem with that too.

My father was stalking me when I was 23 is what made me put of foot down. And that ultimately changed all my relationships too. But it took a therapist telling me that I should go a woman's shelter to get away from him to do it. I realized how serious it was. I realized how serious it could be become because the therapist clearly saw the abuse that might have followed. My father kept treating me like I was 16 and he was allowed to kick me around. But when I put up my boundaries and told him "No!" it got worse and he tighten his control even more. Red Flag! It got to the point where I had to start reporting where I was at all times, on the dot. Another red flag. He would yell and yell, swearing at me. Red Flag.

Maybe you should try writing a list of all the things that are your boundaries. :)

 

[Changing4Best]

Ayesha, thanks for that idea, I think I shall do just that. Boundaries are a kind of new concept to me, as they were SOOOoo... not allowed that I never learned how to use them, let alone create them or enforce them! I only started to use the word "No." when I was in my forties, I am 58 now.

 

[sharonj]

Not trust able..

You cannot believe a person...may be he/she telling all lie..

I'm not a supporter of online relationships.