Only took 50 years to deal with my abuse.

[TTC18]

Yeah, your father was ... just all the bad words. I can't think of words bad enough, so - all the bad words.
:hug:
SOME people in the military and police force etc join because they're evil and it gives them a chance to use their power over people. But most military/police etc are there either because they love their country/community and want to give back, or because it's their family heritage (everyone in the family joins up) or because they're escaping something... I knew a handful of people who were there because it's a job with benefits and if you can make it 20 years, retirement is awesome. A few guys who had always wanted to be pilots. It's kind of a cross-section of society, really, lol.
I know - if it was in person, I don't touch anyone but my kiddo voluntarily. I do force myself to shake hands without flinching because I don't want to make other people uncomfortable. I don't know if I accept hugs without flinching - I pretty much blank out when someone goes to hug me, haha. :) But over the Internet, I'm all about the :hug: :hug: heh.

 

[PTSDGuy]

Yeah, your father was ... just all the bad words. I can't think of words bad enough, so - all the bad words.

That’s ok, I’ll fill in the blanks with the ones I usually call myself.

SOME people in the military and police force etc join because they're evil and it gives them a chance to use their power over people. But most military/police etc are there either because they love their country/community and want to give back, or because it's their family heritage (everyone in the family joins up) or because they're escaping something... I knew a handful of people who were there because it's a job with benefits and if you can make it 20 years, retirement is awesome. A few guys who had always wanted to be pilots. It's kind of a cross-section of society, really, lol.

He was in the (Canadian) Navy during WW2. When I think about it, his father was from Germany, and my father hated him. It wouldn’t surprise me if he signed up to get back at his father.

He hated him so much that he changed his last name. I only found that out when I was an adult. I asked the aunt I only found out about at 30. My whole family knew about her, but they never told me she existed. When his father died, she said she called my dad to tell him. My father supposedly said “good”, and hung up.

I’m starting to think he was abused by his father. Not that I forgive the f*cker.

I know a few people where three generations of their family are police or firefighters. That definitely didn’t apply in my family.

All this to say that you might be right. He probably became a cop so he could go after people. He stopped talking to his sister in the 50’s. She never figured out why. She said he was walking the beat, she saw him and said “Hi”, and he walked past her like he didn’t know her.

Evil f*cker describes him well. ?

 

[bellbird]

I don't have anything particularly insightful to say, just that I'm really glad you joined this community.

 

[PTSDGuy]

I don't have anything particularly insightful to say, just that I'm really glad you joined this community.

Thank you. This place has become really important to me already. ?

 

[TTC18]

That’s ok, I’ll fill in the blanks with the ones I usually call myself.

:hug: Be kind to yourself!! :hug:

 

[ladee]

Very glad you are here @PTSDGuy! And very happy to hear you already feel a part of a club that none of us wanted to join, but did nonetheless. But, we don't ever have to do any of this alone, again.

I hope something can be worked out for your husband, and therapy. I understand the intolerance of no communication. That is one thing that will send me over the edge, especially if I have been waiting. I don't 'wait' with Grace, so I understand.

Glad you are here..

 

[PTSDGuy]

:hug: Be kind to yourself!! :hug:

I'm going to force myself to go to the gym today, even though I'd rather be home in bed hiding from the world.

Very glad you are here @PTSDGuy! And very happy to hear you already feel a part of a club that none of us wanted to join, but did nonetheless. But, we don't ever have to do any of this alone, again.

I've always just figured that I'd be in a "club of one" forever... The feeling of standing in a group of people and feeling totally separate and different. Everybody here is forcing me to accept that maybe I don't have to feel so alone... That's still tough to do.

I understand the intolerance of no communication. That is one thing that will send me over the edge, especially if I have been waiting. I don't 'wait' with Grace, so I understand.

I have therapy this afternoon, and I don't want to go. I can feel the panic inside just thinking about it... I absolutely hate confrontation. (Unless I'm triggered and can't stop the anger - then I don't care) . I need to talk with my therapist about this whole mess. I asked him every few weeks since September to talk with the other therapist to see if he could work with my husband, and he'd sort of say he'd talk to him... But he obviously was just going along with me to shut me up about it.

I actually believed him. I'm so f*cking stupid. I'm too trusting. I always believe people are on my side and then I end up feeling punched in the face when I get it wrong again. You let people in who you think are safe, and they screw you over. I trusted him. I thought he was there for me. I should have known. Nobody is ever there for me.

Just writing this is making me fall apart. Again. f*ck.

 

[TTC18]

I'm going to force myself to go to the gym today, even though I'd rather be home in bed hiding from the world.

Just... be nice to yourself about going to the gym! It's good for you to be healthy physically, sure - but.. if I could wish one thing for you, it'd be for you to say something nice to yourself, be loving to yourself. Say, 'I deserve good things' and 'I deserve to be happy' and 'I am a great person who tries hard and is very brave!' Because all those things are true.

I've always just figured that I'd be in a "club of one" forever... The feeling of standing in a group of people and feeling totally separate and different. Everybody here is forcing me to accept that maybe I don't have to feel so alone... That's still tough to do.

You're not alone. :hug:

I actually believed him. I'm so f*cking stupid. I'm too trusting. I always believe people are on my side and then I end up feeling punched in the face when I get it wrong again. You let people in who you think are safe, and they screw you over. I trusted him. I thought he was there for me. I should have known. Nobody is ever there for me.

You're *not* stupid. And trusting your T is what you're SUPPOSED to do. Be kind to yourself!! :hug: I know it feels like people will always let you down - I get that feeling too, a lot. But it's not true. :hug:

I have therapy this afternoon, and I don't want to go. I can feel the panic inside just thinking about it... I absolutely hate confrontation.

Oh, me too. I just get all shaky and sick feeling when I have to confront someone about something. :hug: You can do this. I hope it's just a misunderstanding, and you can work it all out without too much stress. :hug:
Lots and lots of virtual hugs today - it's a tough one. :hug: Do something nice for yourself to reward yourself for dealing with all of this!!!! :) :) What do you like to do, that's just for you? :)

 

[PTSDGuy]

Just... be nice to yourself about going to the gym! It's good for you to be healthy physically, sure - but.. if I could wish one thing for you, it'd be for you to say something nice to yourself, be loving to yourself. Say, 'I deserve good things' and 'I deserve to be happy' and 'I am a great person who tries hard and is very brave!' Because all those things are true.

When stuff like this happens, I realize that that's gonna take some time... Every time I think I'm doing well, everything falls apart...

Oh, me too. I just get all shaky and sick feeling when I have to confront someone about something. :hug: You can do this. I hope it's just a misunderstanding, and you can work it all out without too much stress. :hug:
Lots and lots of virtual hugs today - it's a tough one. :hug: Do something nice for yourself to reward yourself for dealing with all of this!!!! :):) What do you like to do, that's just for you? :)

I sent an email to my therapist telling him how upset I am, and why... Because if I didn't send it, I might not bring it up with him... But we either have to talk about it, or I might just shut down and never deal with anything...

I don't know what I like to do for myself. I really have no idea. The only thing I've always liked is jumping on a plane and flying to the East Coast or Europe.. or Asia... Anywhere far from my life ... but that might not work if I want to be back in time for therapy... ?

 

[TTC18]

When stuff like this happens, I realize that that's gonna take some time... Every time I think I'm doing well, everything falls apart...

Yeah, this isn't a quick-fix kind of thing. The way I think of it is this - how many years of trauma did it take to get me here? And how many years of poor coping and stuffing it down? Add all that up and I don't expect myself to get all better anytime super soon, haha. It's a baby steps thing.

Because if I didn't send it, I might not bring it up with him

LOL I do this as well.

I don't know what I like to do for myself. I really have no idea.

I know, me too. Maybe think - if I had a friend like me, what would I do for him?
:hug:

 

[PTSDGuy]

Yeah, this isn't a quick-fix kind of thing. The way I think of it is this - how many years of trauma did it take to get me here? And how many years of poor coping and stuffing it down? Add all that up and I don't expect myself to get all better anytime super soon, haha. It's a baby steps thing.

That's just depressing... I've wasted most of my life not dealing with stuff... A few years of trauma, and 50 years of avoidance... I'll have to deal with stuff faster, unless I'm going to live to 108!

I know, me too. Maybe think - if I had a friend like me, what would I do for him?
:hug:

If it was a friend, I'd have no problem doing stuff for him or her. But I guess if it was for a friend, I wouldn't be calling him names like I do to myself. I actually haven't done that much in the last few months. This week has been worse than ever... I guess not calling myself an idiot or stupid would be a good start...

 

[Chris-duck]

That's just depressing... I've wasted most of my life not dealing with stuff... A few years of trauma, and 50 years of avoidance... I'll have to deal with stuff faster, unless I'm going to live to 108!

I don't think that's really how it works, because even with childhood shit, nobody really deals with it til adulthood, so even with absolutely no avoidance years, doubling your age when you start dealing can't be how it works or really nobody with shit would be okay-ish until at least 36. Which just isn't true. I think it's more accurate to just say that yeah, it takes a while, and how long that while is varies person to person etc. I don't think you gotta live til 108 to feel better about all this. For whatever that's worth.