Only took 50 years to deal with my abuse.

[Mumo]

But you are brave and you are facing things head on, and that is admirable. :) You are so very strong, don't forget that.

 

[PTSDGuy]

But you are brave and you are facing things head on, and that is admirable. :) You are so very strong, don't forget that.

I think I'm starting to realize that when I feel like this, I really am thinking like a kid. Dealing with everything is screwing with my brain... Somehow I made it through fine the first time... It's the second time that's tough.

I'm not feeling brave... You've said I'm brave, my therapist has said I'm brave - over and over. Now I just have to learn to believe all of you... What kills me is, if it was someone else, I'd be fine calling them brave... When it's me, I'm just a whiner...

Oh, and by the way, thank you... :hug:

 

[TTC18]

When it's me, I'm just a whiner...

OMG me too. LOL.
Here's why you're brave though - you're facing it, even though it sucks and you hate it. You're doing what you've got to do. That's brave. :)

 

[PTSDGuy]

OMG me too. LOL.
Here's why you're brave though - you're facing it, even though it sucks and you hate it. You're doing what you've got to do. That's brave. :)

But, I'm not sure being dragged kicking and screaming my way through deserves to be called "brave"... (I'm still working on not attacking myself - saying something nice is even tougher.)

OK, I'll try to give myself some credit... My therapist always says that a lot of clients say they want to work on things, but when it comes down to it, they don't actually do anything... I guess I'm doing better than them... As much as I hate this, I know I'll eventually have to remember everything.

I want to say life was easier when I was in denial, but in reality, I was just ignoring what a mess I was because of it...

 

[TTC18]

But, I'm not sure being dragged kicking and screaming my way through deserves to be called "brave"... (I'm still working on not attacking myself - saying something nice is even tougher.)

Well, depends on who's dragging you. You dragging yourself?
Brave.
Someone else dragging you w/out your consent? Torture, IMHO.

 

[Still Standing]

I think I'm starting to realize that when I feel like this, I really am thinking like a kid. Dealing with everything is screwing with my brain... Somehow I made it through fine the first time... It's the second time that's tough

Yeah, it is like you have one foot in the trauma past, and one in the here-and-now, with the past is threatening to suck you back in. Totally get it. This is what I struggle with, too. And I am an over-the-hill granny who just got started on all this therapy stuff last year. I have whined and groused a bit, in my diary, about wondering why I want to do this at this stage in life. Bottom line is, I want to finally not be controlled by my past abuses and trauma. I am more than that and so are you. Thus, the kid side of me goes kicking and screaming to therapy each week with the adult me, strongly holding the kid's hand, ensuring her that this is for our good.

But, I'm not sure being dragged kicking and screaming my way through deserves to be called "brave"... (I'm still working on not attacking myself - saying something nice is even tougher.)

OK, I'll try to give myself some credit... My therapist always says that a lot of clients say they want to work on things, but when it comes down to it, they don't actually do anything... I guess I'm doing better than them... As much as I hate this, I know I'll eventually have to remember everything.

I want to say life was easier when I was in denial, but in reality, I was just ignoring what a mess I was because of it...

Easy would be grand! Your above quotes describe most of us who are traveling down the therapy road, I would guess. I totally relate to what you have shared. I can "feel" your struggle. I do the same. And I also agree, "brave" doesn't equate at this point, though it is a word my psych doc uses, too. I think I prefer the word, "determined" because it more describes the effort it takes to face our traumas. Brave just seems to be a label, if that makes sense. It is too grand and too rewarding of a word for me. Being "brave" says to me that there is an expectation to be the one in front of the battle, always. I don't want to be in front of the battle. I want to be in a thinking and figuring spot in it. I want to know that there is and has been a process of action to work within rather than running straight into the fight. Some folk do well with this approach but not me. So, "brave" I will give to someone else. I will just be the worker bee, steadily working at how I know best to work. Brave describes something I am not.

And denial has its benefits except when stuff leaks out in momentary anger or fear. Then it does not work, does it? I hate it when the trauma-based reactions leak out. Up until this last year, fear kept me from facing the past as it affects life today. Now, like you, we have a means in which to deal and learn how better to live, even if we are on the "old" side of life. You have support now. Your Therapist. It is easier having someone walk next to you in this journey. You will do all the hard work but it will be done with encouragement, listening interest, and guidance. This is better than we could have hoped for, otherwise. So, @PTSDGuy, keep putting one foot in front of the other. The hard work is worth it. I can attest to this. Good job on starting your diary, BTW.

 

[PTSDGuy]

Yeah, it is like you have one foot in the trauma past, and one in the here-and-now, with the past is threatening to suck you back in. Totally get it. This is what I struggle with, too. And I am an over-the-hill granny who just got started on all this therapy stuff last year. I have whined and groused a bit, in my diary, about wondering why I want to do this at this stage in life. Bottom line is, I want to finally not be controlled by my past abuses and trauma. I am more than that and so are you. Thus, the kid side of me goes kicking and screaming to therapy each week with the adult me, strongly holding the kid's hand, ensuring her that this is for our good.

That's what I love about this place... I don't feel alone... Yep, so many people here just get it...

And denial has its benefits except when stuff leaks out in momentary anger or fear. Then it does not work, does it? I hate it when the trauma-based reactions leak out. Up until this last year, fear kept me from facing the past as it affects life today. Now, like you, we have a means in which to deal and learn how better to live, even if we are on the "old" side of life. You have support now. Your Therapist. It is easier having someone walk next to you in this journey. You will do all the hard work but it will be done with encouragement, listening interest, and guidance. This is better than we could have hoped for, otherwise. So, @PTSDGuy, keep putting one foot in front of the other. The hard work is worth it. I can attest to this. Good job on starting your diary, BTW.

Reactions leaking out? Like trying to drive to work every day and finding myself driving like an idiot because I've been cut off so many times that something "snaps"? I still don't know what triggers it... But the other day I found myself driving 90 mph on the freeway... and it's not the first time in the last few months... I used to be a great driver... My friends used to ask me to drive... Not any more... they were terrified to even be in the car.... I wish I could figure it out, because I'd like to stay alive to get over everything!

Thanks for the nice comments. No matter how bad I feel, coming here always makes me think about everything - even when I want to hide in the dark, away from people. :hug:

 

[PTSDGuy]

Well, depends on who's dragging you. You dragging yourself?
Brave.
Someone else dragging you w/out your consent? Torture, IMHO.

OK, that made me laugh... When you put it like that, I guess I am dragging myself... or my brain is telling me it's fed up with all the denial, and it's time to deal with everything now that both my parents are dead... (thank god...)

 

[Still Standing]

Like trying to drive to work every day and finding myself driving like an idiot because I've been cut off so many times that something "snaps"? I still don't know what triggers it..

I assume this has started since you started therapy? Or at the point where you knew you needed help? This is my take...my unprofessional opinion so feel free to toss it in the waste basket. Could it be that the frustration, anger, and need of control is bubbling to the surface? Sometimes all those locked emotions blow out in various ways like a rocket blowing skyward after a huge burst of energy. That energy has to go somewhere. Yours is the car. It is a subconscious way to "let it out". I think that is why so many PTSDers are risk takers. There is a need for extreme physical expression to "release" the inner build-up of angst. My hubby does not have PTSD but his driving is where he takes his frustration out. He is a quiet guy but stupid drivers can elicit a verbal reaction and a heavy-footed response on the gas pedal if he is miffed. He is not a "roadrager" but I know when he is ticked. Otherwise, he is an even-minded person.

 

[PTSDGuy]

I assume this has started since you started therapy? Or at the point where you knew you needed help? This is my take...my unprofessional opinion so feel free to toss it in the waste basket. Could it be that the frustration, anger, and need of control is bubbling to the surface? Sometimes all those locked emotions blow out in various ways like a rocket blowing skyward after a huge burst of energy. That energy has to go somewhere. Yours is the car. It is a subconscious way to "let it out". I think that is why so many PTSDers are risk takers. There is a need for extreme physical expression to "release" the inner build-up of angst. My hubby does not have PTSD but his driving is where he takes his frustration out. He is a quiet guy but stupid drivers can elicit a verbal reaction and a heavy-footed response on the gas pedal if he is miffed. He is not a "roadrager" but I know when he is ticked. Otherwise, he is an even-minded person.

Maybe that's what it is... Since I started therapy and the flashbacks started, things like road rage are happening a lot... But yeah, I've discussed how I'm filled with anger all kinds of times at therapy...

It's really weird because I've been terrified of doing anything dangerous my whole life. For my birthday I went indoor skydiving... If someone had told me last year that I'd do that - and like it - I would have thought they were crazy.

So I'm definitely not throwing away your opinion.... or anyone else's!

 

[PTSDGuy]

I'm SO pissed off right now... We've been trying to get an appointment for my husband to start therapy in the same office as my therapist. In November, we contacted their Intake "specialist"to try to get him an appointment. She said she'd contact the therapist and get back to us before the end of November.

Well, here it is weeks later, so he emailed Intake again today asking for an update, and we were told that the therapist "isn't taking new patients" and he should try going somewhere else. If we hadn't bothered them, they would never have even bothered letting us know...

So when I should be getting myself ready for EMDR, I'm instead upset... So either I find a way to try to forget about it before therapy, or I can spend my EMDR time dealing with my anger.

I emailed the head of the practice to complain, and told them next time I might as well just smash my fists into a wall over and over - I'll end up with the same answer that they gave me, but I won't have to wait weeks for the pain. ?

 

[littleoc]

Jeez, that's frustrating.... :hug:

Hopefully there's another place nearby that will be more helpful for him. :hug: