Open Up Or Withdraw To Cope/support?

[Look4Advice123]

My boyfriend has PTSD. I'm stuck on what to do when he's stuck in a funk for days. He will want me to be around, but will be very negative and irritable. I feel I'm walking on egg shells when he's in his funk.
I try so hard not to let his funk affect my mood. But I'm hurt that he acts like this with me. He smiles and carries on with friends and at work. He said before that he can be himself with me and puts on a front for others, that's why he's moody with me and not others. - But ugh, it makes me feel low that my boyfriend can be happy with others and be a moody grump with me. Other people seem to get the best of him, I get the worst.
On top of that, he works at a casino with a ton of women. I'm not usually jealous, but starting to take it personal on a jealous level too. He's charismatic, charming and happy with all these women, but not me - his girlfriend.
What do I do? Get out of his space or hang around? And is there a way I can get him to set aside his funk for even an hour of happy time with me?

 

[Look4Advice123]

Latest example... He's been in a funk for a couple days. I text him about a short visit while he's at work on my way out of town (we won't see each other for a week). He texts back that he's happy to make time to see me. I get there and he just looks irritated, doesn't smile or show any interest in me being there. We sit, I talk as much as I can, pulling teeth to attempt a back and forth conversation. He gives short, irritated answers. I say I should go get on the road, and he sounds sad that I'm leaving so soon. I say he seems preoccupied. He becomes affectionate, says he doesn't want me to go so soon and starts acting very sweet. He seems sad and mad that I'm leaving. I'm fed up but don't want to pick a fight so I give him a kiss, say goodbye and leave... irritated that any interest in me being there comes after I decide to leave.

 

[reallydown]

I don't know what to say other than that he's probably sick of having to put on that mask for work etc...It's exhausting when we have to keep up appearences...Sorry...not sur eof that's at all helpful. Good luck.

 

[Srain]

I have heard what you said before, almost word for word, not from my husband but from my ex when I first started really diving into this stuff full on. I hope you don't take offense to this - this is just me - but my initial reaction was me feeling angry, frustrated, and I felt like saying," if you don't like it go!"

The reality is, on my own, I take off the mask off, as Reallydown said. I am exhausted, tired, angry, extremely sad, wrung out, want to be alone, paranoid, etc. I don't tell other people because they would not understand. My husband now, other than my tdoc and here, are the only ones that I am really myself. BECAUSE of them I am able to show up when I do and act like a half-way decent human being.

I totally understand it sucks to be the sounding board, this is one of the main reasons I got on this board AND got a trauma therapist AND am doing my best to branch out with friends that I can trust so that my husband is not my only sounding board, so that he is get to have the good times with me too. If your boyfriend doesn't have others that he can reach out to it might worth subtly suggesting he find some other avenues to add. My husband was getting mightily drained as well, probably like you. So my heart goes out to you on this.

Be sure you are taking care of yourself as well.

peace,
Rain

 

[OKRADLAK]

I often wonder who has it harder. The sufferer or the carer. I think the carer. There is no way you can know our minds. They have expanded into realms that minds do not generally go. Plus, each of us is so different from the next.

I know it's hard. You are brave. I wish I could say it gets easier but in my life, the older I get, there are new troubles to face. Usually people who face later troubles have not had to fight their whole life to survive so to them it's just a life battle. They get support and support groups may work. But when you have PTSD for along time and THEN you get hit with the generally nastinesses of getting older, and life in generally, your coping skills are NOT the same as a non traumatize person.

Well that is just me. Everything is becomming so hard. Just every day things are a damn terror these days. I look at the stairs and think Cripes...........I am too exhausted..............Let alone the big things like how am I going to pay for food this month, etc?!!!

 

[Tiger Kitten]

Remember.... the mask is the appearance of being happy. He's not actually happy. Personally, I would be flattered that he takes his mask off for you. He trusts you enough to be real around you.

 

[reallydown]

I wish I could say it gets easier but in my life, the older I get, there are new troubles to face. Usually people who face later troubles have not had to fight their whole life to survive so to them it's just a life battle. They get support and support groups may work. But when you have PTSD for along time and THEN you get hit with the generally nastinesses of getting older, and life in generally, your coping skills are NOT the same as a non traumatize person.

Well that is just me. Everything is becomming so hard. Just every day things are a damn terror these days. I look at the stairs and think Cripes...........I am too exhausted..............Let alone the big things like how am I going to pay for food this month, etc?!!!

Right on. I notice that I have a much harder time with 'regular life' stuff that comes up than most of my peers. It's like we've been fighting our whole damn lives and we're just tired of it. I notice I get anxious about things that to most of my friends are not a big deal...and when I have to do something, my first instinct is to avoid...so I put it off and risk making htings worse but it's stronger than me. Ugh.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

I have been confronted by a couple people for not treating them well enough and shutting myself off. One is my friend and the other is my mother. They often complain that I can be nice to others, but am irritable with them or I can't focus on them. I try very hard and definitely never mean to hurt anyone, but I realize that I still do. My advisors from graduate school become worried if I disappear for longer periods of time.

My behavior is nothing personal, but after trying to focus on anything for more than 20 minutes I become more and more anxious. I try hard, but it clearly is never enough. I can understand how I annoy people. If I notice I'm having rough days I hide, torn in between fear of hurting people or being irritable. My therapist keeps reminding me to be patient with myself because with therapy I will become better.

I'm sorry that I don't have any answers for myself or anyone else. I wish I could be stronger than the PTSD. Clearly I am not... :(

 

[Kris1984]

I wear a mask in the general world, but I feel like I can be myself at home. My husband unfortunately gets the brunt of it all because I do not feel like I have to act around him. Wearing the mask is exhausting though and at the end of the day it makes you tired and irritable. I am sorry you have to see that side of it but I bet he appreciates your support even though he may not be able to express it.

 

[reallydown]

One is my friend and the other is my mother. They often complain that I can be nice to others, but am irritable with them or I can't focus on them. I try very hard and definitely never mean to hurt anyone, but I realize that I still do.

Yup...my family members say the same to me. Why aren't you so moody with everyone else...just us? Ooops.

My advisors from graduate school become worried if I disappear for longer periods of time.

This is one of the reasons I am not applying to grad school yet. Techniacally, I should've been there by now but I can't get my sh*t together enough to do my research and applications...so even if I got in, there'd be no point because I wouldn't be able to focus and do the work. Then I'd most likely go through a major breakdown and have to give up...So...if I give up preemptively...Heh what a messed up state I'm in! Grrrrrrrrrr...

Anyway, hang in there DGN!

 

[Srain]

I often wonder who has it harder. The sufferer or the carer. I think the carer. There is no way you can know our minds. They have expanded into realms that minds do not generally go. Plus, each of us is so different from the next.

I could not have said it better!

 

[Look4Advice123]

Wow, I can't thank you all enough for your input. Although not uplifting, it is nice to know that this seems common. I know I can get out, as Srain said, 'if you don't like it go'. But he is a wonderful man, I want to be with him, but I also need to keep me sane. My goal in life is to be happy... I want him along for the ride.
I have 3 questions for the sufferers, carers can jump in on these also though...
-As many here can relate to my boyfriend with having a 'mask'... does that mean that you (or he) is not happy with life? My boyfriend has said that he hasn't let his walls down for anyone except his daughter (from previous relationship), and now me. I guess what I'm asking is, is he really letting his walls down, or putting on a mask when he seems happy?
-Does it make you feel better to have someone around when you're in a funk? He seems to want me around, but seems irritated when I'm there.
-And lastly, is there a way to make him comfortable to be able to open up more to me? He rarely vents, but I've noticed when he does, his mood lightens. I would LOVE for him to feel comfortable to open up to me, about his stress, his anxiety, his feelings.
-Side note, he is talking to a therapist, and taking medications. I know he is actively working on this. I want to know I'm doing the best to help him and our relationship stay strong.