Open Up Or Withdraw To Cope/support?

[doglover]

1. If you wear a mask does that mean you aren't happy with life?
Yes and no. Some days, it's all I can do to pretend. Other days, I have a good stretch and there's a string of beautiful moments and I feel rather happy.

I have to say, though, that the intensity of the bad days makes it difficult to fully embrace the happy times. It's like I have to constantly manage my stress level, never know if a surprise experience will get me off for a couple of days, so it's like I don't want to enjoy the good too much or it hurts even more when it changes.

But also, even when I don't seem happy I might feel happy on the inside. I might have trouble saying or showing it but might feel it anyway.

As for letting his walls down, that's not necessarily a reference to acting happy. It might be a reference to being REAL with you - acting irritated instead of ACTING like he feels something he doesn't feel. It might also be a reference to being open with you about the struggles he has. I wouldn't assume "letting walls down" is about seeming happy.

2. Being in a funk alone or with others - it depends really. I worry that others will expect cheery me, so if I'm feeling icky I often withdraw in case they will be irritated or bothered by my moodiness. But the few people who have been around me for that and responded well, get lots of bonus points and appreciation even if I have trouble expressing it sometimes.

3. Opening up more. He needs to feel safe, whatever that means for him. Pushing may backfire. If he knows what triggers him then you might try to limit those things. Also open up with him, share deep secrets, as people can feel safer to do the same then. But mostly don't let him feel forced or pressured, and be sure you give him some positive emotional responses when he is open with you. Show him with actions, not just words, that you appreciate the openness. That you appreciate his dark side too.

If his funks get too hard for you then give yourself permission to go do something that lifts you up and then come back refreshed. Have a girls' night once a week with friends, for example. If he seems bothered then reassure him that it's not about him but about your own need to keep your needs met. That it will recharge you to help you be a better partner. Careful how you approach this if he is sensitive to perceived criticism, but the point here is you have rights and needs too. You don't need to push your needs aside just because he has this issue. You deserve to have your needs met, and if you have to get some of them met outside the relationship then... you're just like everyone else, since no one can meet every single need a person has. Just be sure you give yourself permission to take a break from the funks if you need it.

 

[reallydown]

Doglover, you've articulated it so well. There isn't really much I can add. Just want to say that our walls are up for a reason and it takes a lot of time and effort and trust for us to get them down, even for people we care about. So, I'd say it's a good sign that he has his walls down for you. Also, to reiterate, it's important that you take care of you too.

 

[Look4Advice123]

Doglover, thanks for your response. It gives me good insight and things to work on. I don't really know his triggers when he's in a funk. I don't push 'feelings' talks or give him a hard time. All I do now is remind him that we're a team and I will pick up slack while he's in a mood. I think, when he's not in a funk, I will talk to him, ask for triggers and what he wants of me. It's such a tiptoe-y topic.

How do I show appreciation for his dark side? - How would suffers like to hear that? I don't want to call him out and be like, hey I know you're in a mood but I still love you. Honestly I don't appreciate the mood of his dark side, I love him and will get through it with him, but not sure what you mean to show appreciation for it.

In the past, I know knew one person who said they suffered from PTSD, and honestly I think now that they were using it for disability. So when I got into this relationship, I didn't think anything of him having PTSD until the real him came out. I'm so grateful for this site, and all the advice, information and support here. I would not want to be in your spot (as the sufferer) and I take my hat off to you all, it's hard to love someone suffering, but I couldn't imagine the daily struggle of not feeling comfortable being me. My heart goes out to everyone on here!

 

[doglover]

You're welcome, I'm glad it helped you somehow. :)

Careful about the triggers talk (yes I'm kind of contradicting myself, bear with me). He may not know his triggers. Maybe leave a note or a text, something that doesn't put any pressure on him to answer you. Maybe something like, "Hey I want to be there for you and want to help you feel better, not make things worse. If you know of anything that makes you feel worse, please think about letting me know what those things are so I can do my best to be part of the solution, not the problem. You don't have to tell me or even respond to this note, but please think about it and remember I love you."

Triggering is a touchy topic, many of us don't know what the triggers are. And his low moods might not even be from triggers. It might just be that he trusts you enough to still want to be with him even if he shows you how exhausted he is from pretending all day.

As for showing appreciation for his dark side, how about you just show him you love and support him even when you're not thrilled with his moods. Little things. Scratch his back or put the tv on his favorite show even if you find it boring, whatever small things will show him your love.

I didn't really mean to thank him for being grumpy or something like that. I just mean when he does open up about feelings, make sure you try your hardest to respond positively with your tone, words, everything. Make it okay, or a good thing, for him to talk about his inner world. And combine that with small actions that show him love even if he's down. So it's less about responding favorably to his grumpy days and more about responding favorably when he talks about his feelings, or talks about anything deep or "secret" with you. Let it be a good thing to open up, limit negative emotions if he opens up to you. Don't pressure him to talk about things but respond positively when he does. And continue to act loving when he's down or tired.

Folks with this struggle don't always know how we look, and how we feel about a person doesn't always show on our faces. But it speaks a lot to how much he appreciates you if he invites you over when he's feeling off. I'd be really scared to show that side of me to a partner, myself, because I know how much people prefer to be around someone who seems light and upbeat instead of someone who seems like a chore. And I struggle with feeling like a burden to others a lot, so I'm less likely to really SHOW how heavy I feel some days, for fear that loved ones will decide I'm not worth the effort.

But yeah by "appreciate his dark side too" I mean - if he talks about this stuff, he's talking about the stuff that makes it so exhausting to pretend all the time. He's talking about that "dark side" instead of just being down with that painful past. I didn't mean to say show appreciation for low moods if you don't feel it.

I just meant by listening and responding with loving interest and warmth when he talks ABOUT whatever has him down, he will learn more and more that you are a safe person to talk to. Folks who struggle with this aren't always good at talking about feelings, so if he learns you're safe to do that with (because you always respond positively, in an accepting way), then he may slowly start to do that more and be less likely to have it all stuffed inside where it gives him bad moods. Let it be okay to vent, and you might be able to feel a stronger connection WITH him when he vents, than you do when he's just tired or irritated and isn't talking out the feelings.

I think I repeated myself a million different ways here but I hope it made some sense!

 

[Look4Advice123]

Thank you! I appreciate your advice, more than you know. I know it's a long road. But he's worth it. I will take your advice and work on it. And will be reading lots on this site.

 

[Innordinate]

Seriously don't think I'm qualified to give advise but I've recently been going through this.. AGAIN.. with wife and friends.

-As many here can relate to my boyfriend with having a 'mask'... does that mean that you (or he) is not happy with life? I guess what I'm asking is, is he really letting his walls down, or putting on a mask when he seems happy?.

For me this isn't about happiness at all, it's just survival. Masks and pretend keep the world from asking really really annoying questions and really annoying questions tend to piss me off. Pretend is easier. I'm moody around people who 'love' me because I can be and they understand. No stupid questions. Mostly my wife just ignores me but she will 'check in'. If I start taking it out on her too much (arguing, sarcasm, disrespect etc) she'll just tells me I'm out of line. Ignores is a bad word.. more like..works around me.

-Does it make you feel better to have someone around when you're in a funk? He seems to want me around, but seems irritated when I'm there..

Both. I like reminders that there are people who care around. Small things are seriously annoying though and toleration is minimal. Energy is nil.

And lastly, is there a way to make him comfortable to be able to open up more to me? He rarely vents, but I've noticed when he does, his mood lightens. I would LOVE for him to feel comfortable to open up to me, about his stress, his anxiety, his feelings..

time and trust and patience

-Side note, he is talking to a therapist, and taking medications. I know he is actively working on this. I want to know I'm doing the best to help him and our relationship stay strong.

Sound pretty much like you are. If this helps you out awesome, if it doesn't sorry for wasting your time.