Out Of My Reach

[Ufima]

I am so lost.

What can you do to help someone who has pushed you away?

My husband is intentionally making destructive decisions, and has declared that I don't get to make any decisions anymore. He has taken all control of our life, past simply reacting, from me.

I helped him avoid all of the things he feared for years, not understanding that it was making things worse.

I took his admissions about his trauma in stride and tried to show him I still love him. I encouraged him to find help.

He said I just didn't really understand.

Now he is seeing another woman, an abusive and manipulative woman.

I can't understand why he would choose to leave the person he has always loved, that wants to help him, for someone who doesn't seem to want anything but pain for him.

Is there a way to support him in finding treatment that doesn't make me a doormat? That doesn't tell him I'm okay with this arrangement?

Should I still allow him to come to me with his emotions and his problems?

I feel like I have been his crutch, and now that I understand what he really needs, he is finding someone else to enable him, and also punish him for his mistakes.

I'm confused and hurt, but I still love him and want him to be well. I just don't know what to do.

 

[Igeji]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you've given everything to the relationship and to support your husband's recovery.

I'm afraid it's hard to see any way that you can support him in a direct way, that would be good for either of you. If he's treating you like this but still expecting you to support him emotionally, then he is simply abusing your support. I think to offer any more support at this point, you would need to decide some boundaries for him to treat you with respect and consideration, and if he doesn't meet them then you need to step away. That way, your help is being offered, but not as a doormat. It's his choice.

However much you love him, supporting him in damaging behaviour will not help him. You also have to think of yourself, not just him. Sounds like you've already decided that, but I can't imagine how hard it must be to have to act on it. But I think you need to, for both your sakes.

I can't imagine how painful this is. I'm so sorry.

 

[Eva]

Is there a way to support him in finding treatment that doesn't make me a doormat? That doesn't tell him I'm okay with this arrangement?

Sure, You just say yes to the good things and no to the bad. And you understand that he has to heal for himself, make decisions for himself. He can't be a puppet (I know that not what you are wanting or asking for).

Should I still allow him to come to me with his emotions and his problems?

That's a hard one. That's a question about you. Is it in you to do that consistently, through the good and the bad times. If it isn't, don't start. If it is, stop and be sure that you aren't helping him to destroy himself. There is no way for us to know what he is really doing in this case. We have no practical knowledge of him. You have to make the reads.

So, people who succumb to destructive impulses usually want to be punished. He's punishing himself. But a lot of them smarten up. The hope then is that someone who actually cares will let him back into their lives. But that's a crap shoot and a lot of good supporters just can't shoot craps...