Out Of The Hospital

[MizzASG]

Hang in there Monarch. Take it one day at a time, and focus on baby steps that you can control. Play some groovy music! Music really helps in uplifting mood, especially if you find the right tunes.

 

[anni]

Hi Monarch,

I just followed your thread, and have been hoping to see maybe the sun warmed things up for you a bit. I'm sorry you're having such a complete struggle since being out, still, though. Is it possible your meds need to be adjusted a little? I only say this because I do remember it took a few 'tries' for my doc to get both the dose and the med correct when I was pretty much in your position some years ago.

If you have the energy, try to remember to eat well and stay hydrated. 'They' told me why this was important, but I can't remember at the moment. I do know it definitely helped when I finally got myself to do it.

Please do take care,

Anni

 

[Monarch]

Thanks for the support everyone. We leave on Friday for vacation, i am hoping this lifts my spirits. I booked the trip because I need something to look forward to and it was a goal to get there so it has been good for me. I just hope I can have a good time.

I see the psychiatrist when I get back so that will be good. I just don't feel very well yet. This med has quieted the noise in my head and calmed me down quite a bit but I am still majorly depressed. Hence staying in bed all day, all weekend. I just want it to break.

I did make a promise to my friends and family this week though. That if I ever became suicidal to the point of making a plan that I would tell my husband and 1 other friend and check myself into the partial hospital program here, right away. That is a hard one for me to keep, when I am suicidal I withdraw and hide so i will have to make myself talk. Hopefully I won't get there again, it is a horrible place to be when you want to take your own life.

 

[Monarch]

back from vacation, sunny weather, beer in hand and sitting in my lounge chair on the beach was wonderful. I am feeling a bit better, nothing miraculous or anything but a little better, I can laugh a little and slowly the suicidal thoughts are going away. I still feel a bit hopeless at points and will talk about death but I don't have desire to hurt myself so that is good.

 

[suzie q]

Hello Monarch!

Glad you got home safe. Your photo of where you stayed made my mouth water!! I am so surprised that you went back home...I would have stayed and to hell with the north and its cold weather!!!!

My husband and I used to go scuba in Marathon and Islamorada. I am soooo jealous of your vacation. I'm still trying to convince my hubby that we need to move to Marathon. He's a mountain boy and I'm the beach girl.

Hope you continue to use laughter as your medicine...I don't know where I'de be without it!!
See ya around! suzie q

 

[Monarch]

thanks suzie my husband and I were thinking the same thing on our vacation, "how can we move here to live"? Unfortunately everything is about the tourist so unless you are in the service industry there isn't much else out there. We had a wonderful time though, we planned to go snorkling but the wind whipped up and that was that but it still was very relaxing.

The Dr. upped my dose on Prozac to 60mgs and gave me some trazadone for sleep, I took 50mg the last 4 nights and it did nothing so tonight I took 100mg, hopefully it will help. I need sleep. I actually enjoyed my weekend, we did alot of stuff and some of it actually felt normal. Taking the dog for a walk, going out with friends for movie, dinner and listen to a band play until the wee hours of the night and today we went couch shopping and found "the one". I didn't sleep in the middle of the day for 5 hours or think about suicide at all, first time in a very long time.

I still don't like myself and have to find someway to deal with that.

 

[dust]

Hi Monarch,

good to hear about your break. These small things all make a difference. Hang on in there, things get better.

dust

 

[suzie q]

Monarch,

Sounds like we have our medications in common...I take 60mgs/daily fluoxetine (generic prozac) and 150mgs/night trazadone. It took my chemistry awhile to kick in the night meds cause the prozac was on the high side. (Dr's say within theraputic range) Most of the time when I can fall asleep right away, I sleep through the night and feel semi-groggy in the AM. If my mind is in obsessive thinking mode, the meds don't work for sleep. I usuallly get up and come here to dump my obsessive brain (ie..To Shut Down My Brain is my thread with this). I also take Seroquel which should help with the sleep....not always!!

Staying active is a great thing for depression, IMO. Glad you are walking the dog...what kind you have?

Blue skies, clear water, and warm winds to us all!! suzie q

 

[Monarch]

yep, the trazadone did nothing at 100mg I felt my heart racing and my mind wouldn't stop, I just need something to sleep. The only thing that has worked so far is Xanex but the Dr.'s don't want me to use it for sleep but I might have to break the rules tonight. It is midnight and I am exhausted and still cannot shut off, sometimes it is about paranoia, ok alot of the time that is what is going on, sometimes it is about leaving and sometimes it is about work. I have therapy tomorrow, really I don't wanna go, I don't even wanna be on meds at all. Just like painkillers they don't actually take the pain away it just masks the pain, it is still there. Then people get addicted because their brains start creating the pain that really isn't there any longer but it wants the drug. That is how I feel about meds. I also have to realize that I might not be alive if I were off of them right now.

enough of that crap. We have a darling yellow lab that we adopted last summer she is around 5 years old, we think. She is sweet and loves everyone and wants to pet everyone and lick them to death. She is a good dog too, only a couple of bad habits like getting on the furniture and taking food off the kids plates, you leave your food for a second and you are gonna lose it.

Took her for another walk when I got home, it was good to get out but my back was kinda hurting. Ok I am going to go take a xanex now and try to sleep.

 

[suzie q]

I hear what you are saying about the meds...I'm an addict and have a tendency to like things that take away ALL the discomfort. (been clean & sober for 14 years now). Xanax is a big NO NO for me because its dependency is really strong and addiction withdrawal is a bit*h! I'm with ya on not wanting any meds. I asked one time to get off all I take and the answer was no unless I wanted to go to a Mental Institute or pick out a coffin. That was 10+ years ago. (before I was told I had PTSD).

I accept the current need for meds in my life, but want to get off all. That's why I'm here about my symptoms. I feel if I get treatment for the PTSD, my meds will eventually stop. Anyway, that's my goal.

You're not alone on the parinoid thing...my mind tells me to get anxious with unsolved problems when I've had some good days. Guess I sabatoge myself with things I have no control over. Hope you go to your therapist appt tommorrrow!

I love labs..they are sweet and loyal. Is your avatar a picture of her? We have a 180lb. male rotweiller named Riddick. He's 4 years old. He's like your baby, loves to lick, only his tongue is wide enough to cover half your face! lol He thinks he is the size of my two cats since he was raised with them. He also thinks he should be a lap dog!! This is going to be our last rottie...we are getting to old trying to handle a dog that weighs what a human should. Next dog...maybe a Pomeranian? Any suggestions?

Hope you got a sound, peaceful, and non-dreaming sleep and you feel great when you wake up!!!

 

[Monarch]

I am not having a good day at all but I am trying really hard to keep myself from going to that dark place, sometimes I just wanna die though.

 

[anni]

Hi Monarch,

Please do just keep going. You'll get through to somewhere better, you really, really will. That's not an annoying, frustrating, ya-rah speech, it's just true.

Please do call for help if you know you need to?

Take care, ok?

Anni