What to do? I am 40. I originally left a home that was not a home when I was 18.
I was raised with gaslighting, domestic violence, abuse, everyone triangulated am the youngest of 3, by a stretch.
My sister was 15 years older than me. She died in 2013, an abused, lone survivor of our malignant narcissistic parents. Also, a brother 11 years older than me. No idea where he is. I suspect / speculate he is back in their fold. He abused me as a child, in different ways.
My father is a grandiose, yet covert narcissist with no empathy; cruel, emotionally abusive and exploitative, with a raging, entitled disposition. He is trying to pick at my raw wounds, guilting me, and lying by omission and commission. He has always been haughty, arrogant, self-aggrandizing, and uses DARVO = (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender).
So, he has decided to abruptly cut me off. I leaned into his financial help. Now, I feel learned helplessness, and frozen in fear. I also have antagonistic neighbors. I feel monitored; there are neighbors (I say neighbors, in proximity, in this building I live in), and neighborhood people who have decided to spy on and target me, sometimes been followed.
A vicious l, sadistic old lady (I was permitted to call her "the creature" with a trusted, but gone, therapist). They are a hive of narcissists and enablers. The rage, bigotry, elongated contemptuous stares, the smirks. This is a similar energy being, so to speak, as my sadistic, histrionic, exploitative mother.
My beautiful baby girl (my dog), ... I had to make the decision to put her to sleep with the vet last week. She was my best friend. My heart is absolutely broken and I have been feeling suicidal ideation. I am aware of the hotlines.
I live in fear of losing control and always walking on eggshells. I feel like a lone survivor, like my sister did. Our parents derived much narcissistic supply from her death, which is disgusting. My mother gave a eulogy that proved she knew nothing about her.
This is a narcissistic family system, cult like, unloving, and tragic. Unconsciously, I attached myself to and/or allowed myself to attack to similar energy beings. People who mocked and gossiped about others, sucked up all the air in the environment, manufactured chaos around things that called for space, love and care. Bullies.
I don't want to live as a victim. I don't want to be caught up in "The Drama Triangle " I don't want to cower in fear.. I wish I could afford therapy. I have stare insurance. I listen to audiobooks, podcasts, YouTube videos.
I miss any close friends I had, hung out with the wrong people, and don't want to do anything or go anywhere. Action on my own behalf, but what action?
My self esteem and self worth was crushed as a child. My addiction (in "recovery") and loss exploited as an adult.
Thanks to anyone who might read this,
Erock
I was raised with gaslighting, domestic violence, abuse, everyone triangulated am the youngest of 3, by a stretch.
My sister was 15 years older than me. She died in 2013, an abused, lone survivor of our malignant narcissistic parents. Also, a brother 11 years older than me. No idea where he is. I suspect / speculate he is back in their fold. He abused me as a child, in different ways.
My father is a grandiose, yet covert narcissist with no empathy; cruel, emotionally abusive and exploitative, with a raging, entitled disposition. He is trying to pick at my raw wounds, guilting me, and lying by omission and commission. He has always been haughty, arrogant, self-aggrandizing, and uses DARVO = (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender).
So, he has decided to abruptly cut me off. I leaned into his financial help. Now, I feel learned helplessness, and frozen in fear. I also have antagonistic neighbors. I feel monitored; there are neighbors (I say neighbors, in proximity, in this building I live in), and neighborhood people who have decided to spy on and target me, sometimes been followed.
A vicious l, sadistic old lady (I was permitted to call her "the creature" with a trusted, but gone, therapist). They are a hive of narcissists and enablers. The rage, bigotry, elongated contemptuous stares, the smirks. This is a similar energy being, so to speak, as my sadistic, histrionic, exploitative mother.
My beautiful baby girl (my dog), ... I had to make the decision to put her to sleep with the vet last week. She was my best friend. My heart is absolutely broken and I have been feeling suicidal ideation. I am aware of the hotlines.
I live in fear of losing control and always walking on eggshells. I feel like a lone survivor, like my sister did. Our parents derived much narcissistic supply from her death, which is disgusting. My mother gave a eulogy that proved she knew nothing about her.
This is a narcissistic family system, cult like, unloving, and tragic. Unconsciously, I attached myself to and/or allowed myself to attack to similar energy beings. People who mocked and gossiped about others, sucked up all the air in the environment, manufactured chaos around things that called for space, love and care. Bullies.
I don't want to live as a victim. I don't want to be caught up in "The Drama Triangle " I don't want to cower in fear.. I wish I could afford therapy. I have stare insurance. I listen to audiobooks, podcasts, YouTube videos.
I miss any close friends I had, hung out with the wrong people, and don't want to do anything or go anywhere. Action on my own behalf, but what action?
My self esteem and self worth was crushed as a child. My addiction (in "recovery") and loss exploited as an adult.
Thanks to anyone who might read this,
Erock
