Ok so I haven't posted in ages but my entire experience with my PTSD has changed and now I'm stuck.
I used to be mainly hypervigilent, anxious etc, I got a lot of flashbacks and intrusive thoughts.
I was handling it all ok but my nights barrier was sex. When I knew my boyfriend was in the mood or was wanting sex it would make so anxious. He was incredibly understanding, we were having sex maybe once in 6 weeks at one point, and although he didn't guilt trip me I did feel very guilty about it and if I ever did get in the mood I'd feel so dirty afterwards.
I decided to just shut everything out and try having sex more often which has been working but now I can't feel anything at all in relation to my trauma.
It feels like I've shut the window so I can't hear it but I can still feel its presence standing outside.
I had trouble connecting with my trauma in the past when I was having therapy and my T told me to write down my trauma and read it over and over. I couldn't use the "R" word it was a huge trigger but it worked and helped me get the emotion out when I'd read it back.
Recently I've really been noticing the numbness, I had a bad dream the other night where 3 men kidnapped me and attacked me while I screamed and kicked, it was very vivid and I felt scared but when I woke up I could feel the knot of emotion in my stomach but couldn't get any of it out.
I wrote my trauma down like my T told me the day before this dream which I think is what triggered it, even used the "R" word but I couldn't connect it was like reading someone else's story and when I was writing it, it felt like trying to remember an old dream, like watching the memory through clouds and not being able to focus the picture.
I also have been feeling totally zoned out like 90% of the time, just like I'm doing everything in auto pilot.
Any advice pleaseeee? At first it was nice not to feel anything but now this knot in my stomach is getting bigger and I feel like I'm headed towards a melt down when it all comes out.
I used to be mainly hypervigilent, anxious etc, I got a lot of flashbacks and intrusive thoughts.
I was handling it all ok but my nights barrier was sex. When I knew my boyfriend was in the mood or was wanting sex it would make so anxious. He was incredibly understanding, we were having sex maybe once in 6 weeks at one point, and although he didn't guilt trip me I did feel very guilty about it and if I ever did get in the mood I'd feel so dirty afterwards.
I decided to just shut everything out and try having sex more often which has been working but now I can't feel anything at all in relation to my trauma.
It feels like I've shut the window so I can't hear it but I can still feel its presence standing outside.
I had trouble connecting with my trauma in the past when I was having therapy and my T told me to write down my trauma and read it over and over. I couldn't use the "R" word it was a huge trigger but it worked and helped me get the emotion out when I'd read it back.
Recently I've really been noticing the numbness, I had a bad dream the other night where 3 men kidnapped me and attacked me while I screamed and kicked, it was very vivid and I felt scared but when I woke up I could feel the knot of emotion in my stomach but couldn't get any of it out.
I wrote my trauma down like my T told me the day before this dream which I think is what triggered it, even used the "R" word but I couldn't connect it was like reading someone else's story and when I was writing it, it felt like trying to remember an old dream, like watching the memory through clouds and not being able to focus the picture.
I also have been feeling totally zoned out like 90% of the time, just like I'm doing everything in auto pilot.
Any advice pleaseeee? At first it was nice not to feel anything but now this knot in my stomach is getting bigger and I feel like I'm headed towards a melt down when it all comes out.
