Overcoming Learned Helplessness

[maddog]

I am currently struggling to come to terms with the extent to which this horrible condition has plagued, and continues to plague, my life.

In a literal sense,I know that as a child I learned to be passive and compliant, at least on the outside, and to accept that there was no way out or option of escape for me. As is always the case, at the time there was a survival and adaptive value in learning that I had no control or capacity to seek it, but obviously, the adaptive value of those beliefs has worn off now that I am free of the daily abuse and am an adult with the capacity to influence my life.

And yet absolutely any time in which I experience or even perceive significant danger or challenge, I lapse quite unconsciously into a state of powerlessness and defeat during which I believe I have no control, no capacity to influence the outcome or to take any steps to change it. At a practical level, I experienced this when physically attacked and raped as an adult 3 years ago, and when subsequently sexually assaulted around 2 years ago. I do understand that when in dire danger, even healthy adults can experience a "freeze" survival response in such situations, but not only was I unable to defend myself at the time, but I was also unable to report either crime later or to speak about either of them for a long long time. I was so convinced that nobody would believe me and that nothing good would come of it, that everything I rationally know about such situations (which is a lot, given that I work in law enforcement) somehow just flew away and left me.

However, I also take learned helplessness to other extremes. A recent example involved threats I have been receiving from a very dangerous abuser. There are a number of protective and preventative strategies that have been suggested to me, all of which spark feelings of defeat, pointless powerlessness and a distressed conviction that there is no point, no hope, and nothing I can do to protect myself. Logically I know this is untrue, but the extent of distress I experience when confronting these issues is more than I can put into words.

Can anyone relate? Has anyone faced the learned helplessness demon squarely and come out on the other side, or at least made steps towards it? Sadly, and inevitably, my extreme fear of harm is being greatly escalated by my knowledge that my capacity to stand up for or defend myself is so limited. The sense of vulnerability that I feel to know this is extreme and almost debilitating at the moment.

Maddog

 

[JustBe]

I'm with you MD.Wish I had some answers. I hide.

 

[ashdawn8287]

I believe I came out the other side. Don't give up hope. I am so sorry you had to endure what you went threw. Things happen that are out of our control. Try doing things that will make you gain a sense of control again.

I have learned you cannot control the external world, but you can control your internal world.

My thoughts and prayers have always been with you since I sent a message when I first joined the forum. Although you may not see it, I see it. You are making those steps. Admitting and feeling the abuse is a really hard stage. You will come out better I promise.

 

[Abstract]

MD,
I understand.

even healthy adults can experience a "freeze" survival response in such situations

This is totally true and it is one of the possible adaptive reactions to dangerous situations and nothing to be ashamed of at all, but I know for me that I always go into freeze [or fawn (God I hate that word)] whenever threatened personally. In fact even if the threat was extremely mild until a few years back . For some reason it's different if it is others that are under threat. I agree it is an enormous problem when we automatically go into freeze and helplessness when under threat as there are many times when fight is a much better choice in present circumstances and because we are now adults.

I just really wanted to validate why it is the case though. It is a totally normal and rational reaction to growing up in a situation where freeze was the most likely to get you through and survive. Especially in a situation such as yours. And you did survive. It did what it needed to do.

I have managed to make real progress with this despite believing that it would never happen and feeling totally hopeless about it. It hasn't been tested by anything significant and I seriously doubt I would manage to avoid freeze if I was confronted by something serious but regardless I can feel the shift and have seen change.

It may sound like nothing but about 8 or so months ago I was hit and pushed etc (no injury) and I responded by shouting "no" and "don't ever do that to me again" and also avoided going into appeasing actions after and managed to continue holding the person accountable. I needed a lot of support to help me to do the latter and it was incredibly difficult (a daily battle) but I managed it. I know that probably seems pathetically little but I honestly don't remember ever being able to do that in my entire life. I had no fight response when it came to myself and the fact that I was able to say what I did totally astounded me.

To give an example of how I normally responded I actually would just "delete" when difficult things cam up in the past, even really minor stuff.

I suspect the way to change is just plain painful practice. It is of course feels extremely frightening and painful but I think slowly but surely my brain is computing that it will not always mean more harm and can mean less harm. At the beginning just making a basic assertive action felt terrifying. But every time I managed it something loosened a little in my brain.

I don't want to discuss things here that you may not want to but I know you took many pragmatic and very brave and forward thinking steps at various points and under much threat so please don't dismiss those. It seems to me that the more intense the situation is for me, personally, the more difficult not to go into old ways of reacting.

I suspect it is like all recovery paths in that it isn't a linea line and is rather an up and down journey.

 

[maddog]

Thanks MO, Ashton and Abstract. It's so hard to know rationally why things are the way they are, yet to feel as though I am branded with a vulnerability that is all about who I am and who I can't stop being.

Abstract, gosh, your example of how you reacted to being pushed is not nothing, in fact it's exactly the sort of conscious assertive self-protective behaviour that I am unable to demonstrate, and for ypu to have done so, particularly in the case of what was a real and physical threat to your safety (significant or minor is not the point) is definitely a marker of progress. Needing the support and validation of others is completely normal, I suspect that almost anyone needs that and that even the most confident and assertive person would seek it out when feeling threatened or vulnerable, even if they're not consciously aware of it.

I think that it is my inability to take proactive action to protect myself that is the hardest for me to understand or to live with. This doesn't even seem quite like learned helplessness, although my therapist assures me that it is. I can't explain why I can't, or what happens to me when someone suggests that I do, except that the internal wash of shame and humiliation and horror and fear and despair are so all-consuming that they literally rob me of words and any ability to even defend my irrational stance.

It's just so frightening. I am tired of feeling so frightened and knowing that I have the capacity to do something about it, except that I can't.

Maddog

 

[Hashi]

all of which spark feelings of defeat, pointless powerlessness and a distressed conviction that there is no point, no hope, and nothing I can do to protect myself. Logically I know this is untrue, but the extent of distress I experience when confronting these issues is more than I can put into words.

I am tired of feeling so frightened and knowing that I have the capacity to do something about it, except that I can't.

I'm wondering whether there might be another layer to this, in addition to the freeze response and learned behaviours. There may not be, so please don't feel you need to take any notice of this if it doesn't apply to you. I just thought I'd post about it because I'd been thinking about it myself in a different context then logged on and saw your post.

I don't have learned helplessness when it comes to self-protection, but I do have it when it comes to self-care. On one level it makes no sense that I'm still so poor at taking care of myself. There's no obvious reason stopping me, there are many obvious reasons to do it, and I have the ability. But I feel I can't. Faced with the idea of doing or even thinking anything nurturing or healthy towards myself, I become panicky, overwhelmed, helpless, hopeless and feel incapable of doing anything.

I think there are a number of reasons for this, in my case. Something I'm starting to realise increasingly is that it's very tied up with self blame and shame. Feeling that I'm wrong and have done wrong pretty much all my life is still too difficult to deal with. I'm not ready to fully look at those beliefs, let alone challenge them. But there seems to be an inherent challenge if I start doing anything differently now. I can't reconcile acting/reacting differently now with the unresolved feelings of how I've acted/reacted in the past.

This isn't about mistakes or bad choices, but about a very deep, internalised feeling of worthlessness that is, for me, perhaps the most painful thing I have to deal with. When I see that I'm subconsciously trying to protect myself from facing something so devastating, it starts making sense that I become incapacitated at the thought of changing. In my case, I think the confrontation with that deep shame is what the distress is about. Of course, this isn't conscious, and that's why I've been lost trying to understand it on a cognitive level. On a cognitive level, there's no explanation for it.

What I'm trying to work out for myself is how to to deal with this. I can't suddenly face that ingrained and all-pervading shame and deal with it to get it out of the way. Somehow I have to contain it while I allow myself to make progress with the other, practical issues.

My previous way to do this would be to take myself into what I think of as robot mode, a sort of conscious, controlled dissociation where I select what I disconnect from and how much, then force myself to "sleepwalk" through doing the things I have to do. I'm trying to get away from that now, though, and move towards healthier approaches. For me that means working with imagery to create a holding space for the shame where it's not ignored but is kept at a safe enough distance to allow me to take the steps I need to, in a more mindful way. It's very hard.

I realise this may not relate to what you're experiencing and I hope I haven't taken your thread off topic with it. I'm sorry for what you're experiencing and hope you can find a way through this. I both want to urge you to do what you need to take care of yourself, and also to say that I do understand the freezing and feelings of helplessness that make that so difficult, if not sometimes impossible.

Sending you good thoughts, md.

 

[DMerish]

Hi Maddog,

Your post interested me very much. Like Hashi, I don't have learned helplessness either when it comes to self-protection. Due to my childhood background (living with an invalid mother for many years) I have a deep seated sense of responsibility to do for others what they cannot do for themselves. It is very difficult for me to watch or read about the plight of other people who have been affected by very unfortunate experiences without feeling like I am supposed to be there and do something. That overwhelming sense of responsibility causes me to put the needs of other people before my own.

My daughter, however, suffers from severe PTSD and has, what I have perceived, as that sense of hopelessness that you talked about, and she's had it for a very long time. I believe hers was/is due to a very traumatic birth and maybe genetics from her father's side that relate to a predisposition towards drug and alcohol abuse - this latter thing is just my sense: not something I'm sure about.

My deep sense of responsibility towards others in the face of my own daughter's plight is overwhelming at times. I wish I could be like the big man in "The Green Mile" and suck the sense of immobility that she feels, and particularly the traumatic event that she went through last Fall, out of her and somehow transform it into something else (or keep it as my own) so she could simply live a normal life.

I have digressed a bit from the topic to provide context:

In trying to understand the phenomenon of immobility/helplessness and methods of dealing with severe PTSD better, I recently bought a book. It's title is "Waking the Tiger" - I don't know if you've read it. I finished the section in the book last night that pertains to this very thing: immobility. What I read was unlike anything I had read, or have been told, before. Summarizing what I learned would not do the book or you justice, so I will simply suggest that the book may be helpful for you to read if you haven't done so already, or to re-read the section that begins with chapter seven.

You have been through a lot, Maddog. My heart goes out to you, that you may find a way to work through the immobility and regain wholeness and health.

(((hugs)))
Drew

 

[presentjoy]

Learned helplessness is a really difficult thing to admit and all here who are openly discussing it gives me a bit of courage to try and talk about it too.

I relate very much to what Hashi said about self-care, and traumatic birth struggles that DMerish mentions.

I also relate to how maddog describes a kind of inaction when it comes to standing up for myself. I only very much after the fact realise how I could've handled the situation in a way that kept myself safe, or well. In the moment, I'm just frozen. This includes day-to-day relationship dynamics, not just highly charged situations but it applies to those too.

For the self-care part, I think attunement problems meant that I basically didn't learn what my needs are and how to eventually meet them on my own. I feel like I grew up without structure. I didn't know how to ask for help. Or even tell anyone I had needs that were totally reasonable and okay.

Through work in therapy, I recognised another dimension, as well. On both sides of my family there was illness and dysfunction. Mental illness on one side, and a grandmother who was ill from aneurysm as long as I (and she) was alive on the other side. In childhood I had a sibling who, while younger, was more aggressive and demanding for attention. I think I learned that illness, helplessness, or being the one who was in distress, got attention. Got care and love. It's clear when I look at it. I saw that the people around me who got loved were the ones who weren't "well".

It was an odd realisation. Not sure anyone relates, but thought I'd throw it in there. We can learn helplessness through some treatment modalities too, but family of origin dynamics can bring this to bear. I can feel shame and blame myself for this family stuff, but when I step back and look at it, intellectually I understand that I didn't choose to be helpless. It's definitely a trait I don't like about myself. One of the deeper ones at that.

The days I can do little things that care for myself are good days. I yearn at times to be independently functional, but it feels like a far off dream.

Thank you all for sharing.
pj

 

[maddog]

Thank you all so much for your responses and thoughts and experiences, they are really validating and helpful to me and I'm afraid that I can't do justice to replying to them all right now, though can hopefully do a better job later.

As a starting point:
Hashi, your comparison to issues of self care is definitely relevant and accurate and also is typical of me, in some respects. I think you are spot on in identifying the enmeshed relationship with toxic shame and I think that both my self protection and self care deficiencies are similarly linked to toxic shame. I often feel lately as though almost everything that's dysfunctional in my life is...

Also agree that sometimes, doing that robotic auto pilot separation of basic tasks from their feelings is the only way to even meet the minimum standard of care or protection. For me, particularly in relation to the self care stuff, it's just about routine and doing things mindlessly that meet my basic needs. Sadly, eating is an exception and something I can't even bear to try to address properly... which is an issue all its own that I talk about way too much on here already.

Drew, interestingly, I actually have very strong instincts to protect and advocate for others, often at the absolute expense of my own best interests or protection. As a child I was caregiver and protector to my siblings in every literal and emotional sense and I suppose that instinct in me as an adult does make sense for that reason. I have often wondered why I can't just focus in on the thoughts and feelings that motivate me to try to protect others and somehow do some sort of deliberate cognitive connection process in my brain to the times when it is my needs and safety in question... but somehow, I can't. Sometimes I try to reassure myself that at least the instincts do exist within me, and so it's "just" a case of redirecting them, and I say "just" very much tongue in cheek. But perhaps that is a little more hopeful than if they didn't exist in me at all...

Very tired right now, lots to think about and mull over. And one final comment while I remember is thatI absolutely think it's true of learned helplessness,and many other internal predispositions and personality traits, that even when we recognize their maladaptive value in our current lives and consciously seek to get rid of them, there is a very deep and determined part of us that doesn't want to give them up either, because they are part of us, part of our sense of self, and they feel "right", which is a combination of the effects of toxic shame and the simple process of familiarity. I guess that's why changing is so hard, and why the illogical misfit exists between what we think we want and what we actively do about it.

Maddog

 

[Abstract]

it's exactly the sort of conscious assertive self-protective behaviour that I am unable to demonstrate

MD. I had started thinking it was never ever going to be possible.I was more than astonished. It didn't stop me freezing straight after of course. I can't tell you how hard I have tried and how much work I have done on this over the years and yet I would repeatedly end up in situations again and again and again. Thankfully nothing truly terrible in recent years but nevertheless enough to keep reinforcing the sense of being totally trapped in it and unable to help myself. It is an extremely frightening feeling and a big part of what stops me going back into therapy I think. I still have close to zero belief I can get away from anything that is really problematic. Part of what I am working on is trying to put that belief aside in general.

it is my inability to take proactive action to protect myself that is the hardest for me to understand or to live with

I truly understand this.

nternal wash of shame and humiliation and horror and fear and despair are so all-consuming that they literally rob me of words and any ability

Yes.

For me I describe it as my "zombie mode" and when I enter that mindspace it is if my personality leaves my body. I become a "thing" or not human in a way. It's hard to put into words. And it can be quite surprising what sets it off sometimes. For some reason work has been rife with things that trigger it for lessor stuff for some reason.

To add insult to injury it feels like a betrayal of who I am as a person. I am someone who has opinions about things when I am functioning normally. I believe and respect individually and celebrate differences in people. And when it comes to others or when this "thing" isn't set off, I do have a presence in the world. I started managing people when I was 23 and wouldn't have been able to do that if I did not have this side of me.

Faced with the idea of doing or even thinking anything nurturing or healthy towards myself, I become panicky, overwhelmed, helpless, hopeless and feel incapable of doing anything

I truly understand this too and this is well expressed Hashi. The progress I have made with self care brought up so much as I went along - it was shocking. It is so directly linked to other stuff that it is disturbing.

ut there seems to be an inherent challenge if I start doing anything differently now

I think this is the part that might be more relevant to the learned helplessness for me. As an underlayer if that makes sense. More than the shame for me. And I do see it as partly being about the deep fear of challenging ones past views and past. With learned helplessness it feels more like a direct and dangerous challenge to the original person that instilled that behaviour. That they are there.

With self care I think we are brought up with a sense of how to care for ourselves and what is right and wrong in this regard. When we are taught that harm and punishment is the right way to be on a very deep level then I think our brains have that embedded in them. Treating ourselves well feels frightening and just plain wrong. The world as we know it is turned on its head and we are directly challenging those who made things what they are. I believe in brain plasticity though and creating new normals.

I imagine for some it can be a sick role issue too (or being used to someone else being in control) like PresentJoy mentioned.

But for me although there are definitely the layers of intense shame and unwillingness/fear to challenge the way things are, the inability to protect myself feels different. I would even say separate in some sense. It's as if the other stuff comes up intensely with it but this sits on top of it in some way.

I think I see it mostly as extremely deeply ingrained behaviour at a brain level - primitive really - and pure visceral fear.I really like Pete Walkers Four F's explanation for it too.

Oh and I think double bind past experiences and double bind thinking add to it. Sorry if that makes no sense. I will try to think how to say it.

MD, with your answer to Drew, I relate to that as well. I guess Drew, those of us who have a tendency or have been trained into caretaking behaviours do so for good reason. I too have been that way inclined. I am sorry about your mum. But behaviour to others and behaviour with ourselves can be polar opposites. In fact, I think some of the risks of caretaking is that we can encourage others to be helpless if we are not careful or/and can neglect ourselves.

When it comes to just practically taking steps such as looking for information or taking steps towards getting better then I guess I see it as more often linking to normal personality traits, the stuff Hashi brought up, the sick role stuff helpfuljoy brought up or depression. Although I do think learned helplessness can get to a point where almost any action and thought stops and I have been there more than once.

Anyway. I hate, hate, hate learned helplessness.

Hope you are not feeling too overwhelmed MD. How are you on the general assertiveness front and how do you feel about anger?

 

[Abstract]

When it comes to just practically taking steps such as looking for information or taking steps towards getting better

Actually that is not totally true. Like I have shared with Drew in the past, I have realised that this can change as I went from one way of being to being totally different and as a result of something cracking inside me. I could almost literally hear the snap. I am getting it back I think and much to my astonishment. But it turned some of my beliefs on their heads. I guess I prided myself on this fierce fighting quality I had before and then it went and since then I think of that ability to fight more as a happy mistake than anything linked to pride. It's been a lesson in humility. Yuck.

 

[presentjoy]

And I do see it as partly being about the deep fear of challenging ones past views and past. With learned helplessness it feels more like a direct and dangerous challenge to the original person that instilled that behaviour. That they are there.

This perfectly describes something I was trying to get at. When someone else is challenging me, it's as if I'm defending not just me, or not me at all, but some pattern that feels like I need to hang onto it.

There's that negative reinforcement thing; we can take on the negative behaviors of caregivers as much as the positive, as a way of trying to earn love/safety/security. Bob Hoffman talks about this in "No One is to Blame". It's not a book about trauma, exactly and definitely not about PTSD, but it resonated with me, and I think can certainly apply to learned helplessness.

So defending those beliefs in a fight response is a trap. I hadn't thought of it that way. Learned helplessness for me is so much passivity, and passive aggressiveness (hard to admit to myself, but yes, passive aggressiveness). Yuck.