Overcoming The Darkness From My Childhood

[Lithocardium]

Warning there might be triggers in this diary!

I have never worded these things before. This is an attempt to start healing.

Last night I had a dream and I woke up and my memories had returned to me. All this time and I didn't know where my feeling of being dirty came from, why I was startled if someone came into the room unexpected or touched me unexpectedly, why I almost start to cry when people show me kindness and why I felt that I was worthless and defect.

When I grew up I had no one to turn to. Parents were distant and no one seemed to give a damn. One friend was close. The thing is that he introduced me to sexual things when I was young, around 10 I think. I didn't really know what it was. I grew up with a belief to put others need before my own. So when he expressed sexual needs I felt ordered to comply, it was the only coping strategy I knew. He was about twice the size of me physically.

He was one year older than me and now in adulthood have a history of domestic abuse (possibly even rape). It started in middle school where he wanted hand jobs. A bit later he wanted oral sex and a few years later then it ended with penetration. I started to say no, but he would ignore that. I'd slap his hands away and say no, he would grab me and I would wrestle. In a way it felt good when he pulled my pants down because I got confirmation that I am a worthless human being. He would continue until he came in me and then he would be pleased, sometimes he would try to kiss me afterwards and I reared away in horror.

Strangely it didn't effect our friendship, it was just one of those things. Playing video games, cycling and the dark hidden secret. He would use it as a way to push me down, knowing he had the power. After a time I protested so much that he stopped and then it was forgotten, hidden away. Until today. The shame is great, doubled with the fact that as a male i feel emasculated by being... raped? It word just doesn't sound right.

 

[Everhopeful]

You are not worthless and defect, Lithocardium. The world you grew up in was defect. Where were those whom you could have turned to for protection as a 10 year old child. Where was the caregiver to look out for you?

You were the sexual prey to this psychologically damaged young boy and he violated you and held you under his spell, as all you wanted was friendship.

Yes, you were raped by another child who was physically bigger and stronger, and perhaps had an emotional hold over you, because all you wanted was his friendship.

So you came to believe that this was your lot in life, this is all you were good for. A type of brainwashing.

You are brave to let this all come out at last. I hope you can find help in dealing with this going forward. May you find healing and peace.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Lithocardium a huge welcome to the forum. I too was sexualised over a prolonged period of my childhood by a predatory friend. Like yourself I felt as if I had to give in. He moved away when I was thirteen years old. I too felt that this was my dirty little secret and could never disclose to my parents and of the horrors he subjected me to.

Well done for sharing with us. I felt a huge release sharing finally with the others on this forum as I soon began to realise I was not alone.

Kindest regards and a massive hug if you accept it.

Laurie

 

[hopeinthetrenches]

Lithocardium well done and thank you for sharing your past exsperiance. Welcome to the site it's a great place to turn to when your feelings become to much. I have my earphones in with some good music on at the moment on here because im not feeling good.
Fear controls every part of my life, it's a constant battle but I do try to face hand picked fear's every now and then.

I identify with your story.

Wish you all the strength in the world my friend take care.

 

[Lithocardium]

I'm sad to hear you were the victim of the same thing Laurie. Everywhere I read there are sexual abuse victims who report adult + child but never a friend who misuses the friendship. I would have actually preferred if it would have been an adult becauswe it would mean there were a clear view that it was wrong. Now in some part I believe it was my fault, that I wanted it. I just can't shake that feeling even though Everhopeful described so well in her post what logically makes sense.

Thanks to everyone for your support. And I defiantly accept a friendly hug. :)



I think there is a bit of a difference between men and women who are victims of sexual abuse. I'm not putting value in who has it the worst, but I think there are different challenges. One thing is that men are supposed to make a move. One of the deepest shame I have is about how I've treated some of the women I've been interested in. For me the biggest challenge is the insecure attachment I have to my mother and the sexual abuse. I simply had trouble functioning well.

I remember two instances which fills me with so much shame. One I remember my brother saying i showed inappropriate interest in a girl we had invited to our house and I should stop it (I think I was around 13 years). Still to this day I don't know what I did. Also at work when I was 20 years old I had a crush on a girl and I couldn't stop looking at her. I made her uncomfortable so she told the boss. I was crushed and filled with shame. I think it was due to being emotionally immature because I never had a chance to develop an identity.

In middle school I would ask a girl every day if she would be my girlfriend for several months. Again I think it was due to being emotionally immature for my age and i loved her so much I was clinging to the hope that someday she would like me too.

Nowadays I don't dare to show interest to women because I might offend them. It feels like I'm an octopus infecting them with my disgusting slime. I'm not bad looking, I exercise get compliments for my body but inside me is the oily black slime.

I notice the pattern i have had with women is to find the most ugly and repulsive woman I can find and have sex with her. When I do I feel disgusted with myself but I want to punish myself and somehow I enjoy it. Now I finally get it why I do this. I think this is why I feel so emotionally numb, the shame from these things makes me feel horrible. I mean the sexual abuse weren't nice but the thought of making women I care for uncomfortable is utterly devastating.