Overwhelmed

[Bookoffee]

Since my first suicide attempt I have been in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist. Unlike my physical health, I never gave my mental health as much attention. I was going to therapy and seeing my psychiatrist. I thought I was doing everything right.

I would tell them about “voices” I would hear always yelling at me. My therapist told me I had multiple personality and my psychiatrist put me on the highest dosage of Risperdone. I figured it I took my medication like I am suppose to, I would be “healed”. But the fear and “voices” never went away.
Now I come here and I see that there are others that have the same problems as me. I am starting to wonder if I need all the medication I am on. I don’t want to switch doctors because I have been going to him for over a decade.

Even though I work at a mental health agency, I didn’t know how to treat what was happening to me. I put all my trust into my providers and followed their lead. My wife has been showing me that there are other ways to deal with PTSD other then medication and regular therapy. All the years I worked at this agency, I am now just hearing more about CBT.

What I have learned most here is, there is a “child” mind and an “adult” mind. It really hit me hard today that I am so far stuck in the child mind that when I try to work on my adult mind, I am thrown into a panic attack. I even started to have mild seizures when I started to dissociate, which my psychiatrist put me on another med for.

I am so self absorbed with myself and my past that I live in consistent fear and can hardly open my mind enough to enjoy my new family and animals. I can’t clear through the clutter. I cannot stop thinking enough to see what is around and I fear it will be gone before I learn how to enjoy life. I start seeing my new therapist today that does CBT. I am hoping this will work out.

 

[SwordsPandaGirl]

Good luck on your journey. You are right, you are not alone, there are many good people on here who are going through similar.

It is interesting that there is a child and adult mind that you mentioned above. I was not aware of this and now thinking about it, things are making sense for me, so thank you for sharing this informantion :)

I think I struggle a lot with this as I cant cope with "adult" thinks. I too panic. I seem to be mainly stuck on my child self Which causes alot of conflict.

Anyways hope your therapy session goes well and here are panda :hug:s if you accept them :)

 

[Chava]

Good luck with the new therapist. I hope it goes well. CBT...are you referring to cognitive behavioral therapy? It's hard for me to trust doctors or therapists or anyone, but stay open to new possibilities and careful about ideas of not needing medication or therapy. Maybe you won't at some point, or maybe what you need will be a different picture of what you thought, including some more resources outside of therapy as you learn what works for you.

Most meds simply don't work for me, or don't work without unbearable side effects, but I'm willing to consider there is something out there. I am simply trying to manage without (aside from my pain meds, muscle relaxants, sleeping meds, hormones, so nevermind...I have a load of meds, just no specifically psych meds). If you are having panic attacks at work and not enjoying your life, it's just a process of finding what can help with all of it, whether that's meds or not, but the support of a knowledgeable therapist, and support at home from your wife and pets, sounds great...I always think I can do everything alone and it's really, really hard.

Did anyone diagnose you with DID/multiple personalities or was this just a hunch by your last therapist? Will your new one do a thorough intake and history review? Will you have any new assessments? I know diagnosis doesn't always link perfectly to the right medication or the right treatment, but I understand wrong diagnosis can be really unhelpful when/if that happens.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

It is my understanding that there is no medication to take the "voices" of DID/mult. personalities away. They are just always there and you have to learn how to integrate them or work with them. Does your new therapist have experience working with DID at all?

 

[Bookoffee]

My last therapist Dx me of DID. My doctor didn't agree with it and did not like the path she was bringing me down. He knows me much longer. The "Voices" I am always hearing are basically the stuff that my family would always say to me to keep me quiet. When I explained this to my therapist, she explained that I have DID and told me that the voices are the different personalities fighting each other.

My therapy session went really well today. I was completely surprised how she works. She is going to help me change my thought pattern through cognitive behavior therapy. I dont have to do it through EMDR or TIR, which I found both really hard to do. I just couldn't keep repeating the horrors This method is changelling me to think differently by focusing more on the present mind then the past mind. She gave me some homework, I have to write when I know I am done with therapy and how my life would be

 

[Go Hungry]

I have voices like that too, though some are pre-verbal. Some just show me horrible scenes in my mind. That one rarely comes, but the others are like you said. Statements of worthlessness from my childhood. Really ugly ones too. They are near ever-present. But sometimes I go long periods without hearing from them. It just depends. They aren't nearly as bad as they used to be.

Great going for you trying out the CBT. I hear it can be very effective. I'm going to start here in a few weeks, myself. :tup:

 

[Bookoffee]

In the past year, the voice have gotten so bad that it brought my agoraphobia back on. I lost a lot of time at work. I had to fill out FMLA paperwork or end up in the hospital again. My wife and I went to lunch after my therapy session and we talked about the change in therapy. The thought of staying in my present mind was kind of refreshing for me. I have a new way to think and I have the perfect support around me like @Chava said.

I took her words and we went on with our day. I put all my trust into my wife and when I was triggered or a thought came to mind, I had to share. We were able to figure out that when she gets upset with me, I fear that she will hit, choke, kick me. I cant talk or think. Later in the day when we went to the beach we found the right tone of voice she needs to use on me to help me understand that we are in the present time.

I told her what triggered me for each person on the beach. A man walking with his children scared me because I was scared he would attack us for being a lesbian family playing on the beach. I was never allowed my family kids because of my sexuality and my brother would get verbaly abusive with me in front of the kids. I was scared this man with his children hanging off him, was going to attack us because of this memory.

I hope you get homework with your CBT therapist, @Go Hungry. I think it is imprtant to keep working on the present mind inbetween the sessions. If it was not for my wife and you guys, I am not sure where I would be today.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. It's great that you are going to see a CBT therapist! I found trauma focused CBT work pretty helpful. Your wife sounds amazing too.

I can understand why you are concerned about the Risperdone. Even though the voices you have are not really what Risperdone treats directly, I don't think it is a total loss that you have been taking it.

Risperdone and other medications like it are often given for anxiety and other PTSD symptoms without hearing any voices at all. I hope you talk to the doctor about it, how you want to go off it, and why. Maybe there is a change that is needed.

 

[anthony]

Yer, it actually pisses me off that a psychiatrists course of action is to pull out their prescription pad and justify the giving of some medication regime, which is all a best guess at that. It really annoys me, seriously. To make it worse, they often do this on the first visit. I'm sorry... but since when did psychiatry give special powers to people that enabled them to make such snap and rash decisions within minutes of talking with a person? Whatever happened to detailed and in-depth discussions in order to conclude a far more precise assessment?

No... nowadays, 15 minutes, some assessment pages, then regime of medication, a cocktail, often resulting in more issues than it fixes.

Voices have many possibilities. Dissociation. Bi-polar. Mania. Schizophrenia. Trauma (big category that one). Lots more...

If you tested and were assessed correctly over a duration to have schizophrenia or bi-polar with manic episodes, then you would have your explanation, and thus about the only treatment is medication.

You can throw all the medication in the world though at trauma and dissociation, and you won't stop the voices. The voices are deeper, they need talk therapy, reasoning and understanding, resolution... before they begin to lessen and hopefully disappear.

 

[Bookoffee]

A little emotional this morning so I am not sure how much sense this will make.

My wife is a God send. This forum is too. Thank you for being here.

I learned five years ago that my father has bi-polar and a lot of his siblings and children do as well. I am not sure if I do as well. I was never really truly Dx for anything except PTSD due to my childhood. When I learned this, I told my providers. They both just said it was interesting and pretty much left it at that.

I feel as though I am heading in the right direction now. My wife was very thankful that I was open minded to her yesterday. We went for a night time walk, which I never do. She showed me that the city is not as bad as I remember. There are small parks, open fields, benches, theaters, etc..I was able to see this horrible city in a new light. My wife has opened me up to new learning and recovery then my own providers have in over the past decade.

She explained to me last night that my mental health is just like my physical health. When I became diabetic, I changed my eating habits and exercised more. I am almost down to my normal weight and into the pre-diabetic range. I have to do the same thing to my mind and change the way it works by thinking differently. When I start to slip back into the past mind, grab a hold of something to center myself and keep myself in the present mind. If I keep working on that and trusting her more, I may be able to actually change my way of thinking.

She left a message on the mirror in the bathroom. It reads: YOU ARE LOVED.

Yes, still crying. I feel so fortunate and so much relief. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I may actually have an adult Mind future.