I think you did the right thing. It takes a lot of courage and strength to go up to a teacher, especially during a panic attack. School in general is extremely stressful. Your story reminded me of a recent panic attack I had in the middle of class. I felt so stupid for having it. But sometimes, it is just out of our control/..
Last semester, on the last day of class before I graduated from college, we had to turn in our propaganda papers (which took me about 2 straight weeks to write 15 pages. Hardest paper of my life) All we had to do was stand up and tell the class briefly what we wrote about. Since we didn't have our papers in front of us my teacher said he didn't expect us to go into extreme detail, but just talk a little about it.
I usually am never nervous during presentations or public speaking. Not usually. I've performed and talked in front of thousands of people my whole life, and I was confident I could talk for hours on the paper of my subject. I talk about it all the time anyways. I was waiting for my turn, figuring I'd be the last to speak, since he went row by row and I was formulating in my head the main points I was going to touch on. I was happy and ready to talk passionately about my paper.
He gets to the row next to mine and I'm expecting to hear from the first girl in the row, when he turns to me and said. "We'll jump over to [me] then back to this row." Since I was the only person in my row of seats. It took me by surprise but I knew my topic back and forth. I started talking about my paper and after about a minute I look up and everyone is staring at me and I just blanked out. No words would come out. Everyone just stares. My teacher is staring. I feel my face flush red and I start to panic. “Just talk stupid!” I think to myself. “You know what to say.” But no words came out but "I...I...I don't like public speaking.." Really? Really? I just said that. What the f*ck. The class and my teacher are just staring, some clearly bored, some smiling. The feeling of complete failure starts boiling inside of me and I and feel myself start to cry. "can I.. Can I go after everyone else?" my teacher, god bless him tried to deflect from me completely choking.
I sit back in my seat and stare at my desk. I hear my teacher say "I had a friend who was terrified of public speaking, he was a traveling musician and he was so scared of being in front of an audience he performed the whole concert with his back to the audience." the class laughs. I blurt out an awkward forced laugh as I am holding back the tears and embarrassment I feel ready to bust out of me. What the f*ck is wrong with me? I was fine a second ago, not even nervous to speak, I've never done this ever. I must be crazy. I can't even keep it together on the last day of college? I'm staring at my desk as I hear the next girl start to talk about her paper. I can't start crying in class. I have to talk about my paper. Its the last day of school suck it up. You worked hard on this, don’t f*ck it up. You have to talk again in a few minutes. I cant start crying.. How pathetic. Who does that? I know no one cares that I f*cked up my speech, some people probably even feel bad for me, which might be worse. But that feeling of failure and embarrassment overwhelm me to the point my hands are shaking. I feel myself about to lose it.
The teacher gets to the last person in the row and by this point I know I'm not going to be able to open my mouth without hysterically crying. The kid finishes talking and my teacher turns to me and asks me if I'm ready to go, I just shake my head and ran out of the classroom. As soon as I'm out of the classroom the tears start pouring down my face and I run to the bathroom, lock the door behind me and start crying hysterically. I grab on to the sink and start hyperventilate-ting. I had a panic attack in the middle of class. I worked up the courage to walk back into class. I have no idea how. My face was all red and blotchy. I just stared at my desk until class was dismissed. I never spoke about my paper.
