Relationship Paranoia In Relationships?

[SammyJ]

Hey everyone

I'm fairly new to this site, but I have felt so connected just reading through all of these threads... I wanted to know if anyone has had trouble with their partner trusting them?

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year, hes a veteran with PTSD (currently not in therapy).

Things go amazing for a while, but then out of nowhere he will get overly paranoid about me cheating on him or worried that I will leave him. I have never done anything to make him think that, but I don't know where this comes from, and he doesn't open up about them. This mainly happens when he's having a hard time during the week with work and what not, and starts getting stressed.. it always seems to pile up and will end with questioning his relationship with me.

Any advice as far as how to diffuse the situation,deal or what to say without triggering any further emotion for him?

 

[celia]

Yes.....I have not spoken to my boyfriend for 3 months because he cut me off after two years because he imagined that I cheated. Its very painful.

The only thing we can do is be as loyal and faithful to them as they would want us to be. If they choose not to ever believe us , that is up to them. Once it is in their mind that this happened to them....it is very hard for them to let go of it. I think they don't even know why they accuse us once their stress has subsided.

Let him be and come around ....Pray and be yourself. This is not you, don't feel like a bad person, this is something very common. I know exactly what you are going through.

 

[SeekingSerenity]

It seems that those feelings happen when his cup gets too full, and perhaps its his outlet?

I'd suggest making sure that you don't give him any reason to have any suspicion. I'd go as far as to say be even more open to him about your friendships outside your relationship. Just prove to him that you are loyal and trustworthy and love him, and hopefully that will help him to relax on that front at least.

 

[ms spock]

This mainly happens when he's having a hard time during the week with work and what not, and starts getting stressed.. it always seems to pile up and will end with questioning his relationship with me..

So he needs to get help for his stuff so he doesn't take it out on you?

 

[ms spock]

any advice as far as how to diffuse the situation, deal or what to say without triggering any further emotion for him?

If someone is taking their stuff out on you, then there is probably no way to bring it up without some type of further emotion arising. He is displacing his stress on to you and if you don't take it you are giving him his stuff back.

So going to therapy to deal with his emotional abuse of you could be a good strategy. He is using you as his emotional punching bag and that is not okay.

I don't think trying harder for someone that is using you for an emotional punching bag is the way to go either, but then that is me.

 

[Anna]

I drove my partner nuts with this. Constant paranoia and distrust. I still have it, it will never go away. It is not an excuse though for controlling behaviour of any kind.

I learned to live with it, and even if I feel the distrust I do not ask my partner.

It is something only your BF can change when he learns to deal with it himself, as I have learned to do.

The emotional numbing helped me. I kind of think, well if he cheats he cheats, no point in accusing or worrying because it is something I cannot control, if they do it, it is their karma what goes around comes around. That is just the way I dealt with it. My personal coping mechanism. Apathy, to just not care, because at the end of the day I cannot accuse people of things they may not have done and I cannot predict the future, what happens happens what is done is done. No use worrying about it. I just don't care anymore. Works wonders.

 

[SammyJ]

Thank you all for your replies....

It definetly seems to be something that only he can change as Anna has pointed out, but at the same time I wish there was something more I can do. I try my hardest to be very open about things, but when he has his mind made up.. no matter how much validity i have in what i'm saying, it gets ignored.

It also comes in waves, one day he will tell he how much he trusts me and we will be good, and the next he can be very cold and condescending.

 

[LizardViolet]

This is life with a PTSD sufferer. My bf does not trust anything or anyone. He does not trust that the sun will come up in the morning and he expects the worst and sees the worst in everyone.

I guess I'm fortunate in that he does not get jealous. Or at least he doesn't go too far with it. I am actually married and I was with my husband when I met my bf, so my family is a given. After we have a period of separation, he has always asked whether I slept with anyone else. During our first separation, I actually put up a profile at a dating site in order to make some more friends and that was difficult for him. Whenever he expresses insecurity in that area, I always very straightforwardly tell him that no, I have not been with anyone else, and that he's the only one I want (other than my husband). I don't whine or get impatient or upset, I'm just very direct and calm. I answer the question as many times as he asks me.

Where he pushes my buttons is if I miss a phone call or a text, if his stress cup is full, he will assume that I am avoiding him and then he can get hostile. I am still struggling with how to deal with this. I find it hurtful and disrespectful. And he won't talk about it because he truly believes that I am being malicious and that he's in the right.

All I can suggest is be calm, be straightforward, don't get mad, and offer reassurance as often as he asks for it. If you think it would help, use a little humor or change the subject. All those are a lot easier said than done if you're upset and he's yelling, though. Having a good therapist who understands PTSD has helped me, but my patience, my strength and my calmness are certainly very frayed when he pushes my buttons.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I hope that he will get some help. You are not a doormat nor are you his whipping boy. I have problems with this one too, my husband has dementia and he gets delusions. False beliefs about things that are not true.

You need him to leave you alone. I understand how painful this is for you. There is no reason nor logic. It is pure delusion.

He needs to work on himself. Can you suggest couples counseling? That might be a good place to start addressing this issue he is having with you. I reallyfeel for you. Take good care of yourself. Good luck.

 

[SammyJ]

I havent posted in a few months, and since then we talked and I had a break through moment (or what I thought was a breakthrough) and talked about how much i care and my commitment to us.. things have been well since, and just recently this past week he has brought up the issue again. It's like a CD constantly repeating the same problem...thank you to everyone for your replies.

 

[nami nami]

Hey everyone

I'm fairly new to this site, but I have felt so connected just reading through all of these threads... I wanted to know if anyone has had trouble with their partner trusting them?

Yeah, I know these scenarios so well..my sufferer's paranoia comes in waves too, all of the sudden he would interrogate me about my Exs and guys I dated years ago and would have a hard time trusting my words. I ended all friendships with my guy friends and it's probably the most painful thing I ever did. At that time, I wanted him to feel safe and understood and I thought once he'll see my loyalty, I could start having contact again...but I was wrong.

I still can't get used to the paranoia, sometimes he would grab my phone and look through mails and texts too, very annoying and not acceptable. After each episodes, he regrets it and is very sorry too.

Good luck for all of you!

 

[bootz]

This sounds like what I've been going through. He's been isolating and all of a sudden accused me of dating other guys. Totally out of the blue. I know it'll pass. It's such a help to know I'm not alone.

It's kinda weird that I know I'm getting close and he's gunna push me away. Even told me himself

Thanks