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Parental Neglect. "am I Good Enough Now?"

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Oh, I am sorry about your therapist's attitude :-( It sounds as if she was not ready herself to deal with the heavy stuff. I remember you had a thread on it here, no?

Also, isn't SE therapy quite different than the process you mentioned above--"cognitive awareness and analyzing to death, going into the emotion, release and process, acceptance?" Those two processes seem to be contradictory in a lot of ways. Am I mistaken?

Good point! Cognitive awareness is necessary in any form of therapy I would think as a basis to get the traumatic event into a clear context; the analysing to death is what I do in my own time :-)), but also with my therapist; going into emotion -sometimes in my own time, if too difficult in therapy; release and process is the core of the therapy, and acceptance is the result, and can be accommodated by talking things over with my therapist. In between physical work there are also talking sessions only. I go 2-3 times a week and sometimes my system can not take any more physical work, and needs to integrate the previous sessions, then we talk.

Before I delve into what my therapy looks like, maybe you can tell me what the SE part was of the therapy you did? So, at the moment you are without therapist at all?
 
Before I delve into what my therapy looks like, maybe you can tell me what the SE part was of the therapy you did? So, at the moment you are without therapist at all?
The SE work we did was very light, basically consisting of some grounding exercises, noticing bodily sensations, and trying to notice where in my body I felt certain emotions. But far more than that, we did ordinary talk therapy where she drew up a family tree, asked if I had friends, etc. It was kind of pissing me off the way she'd dilly dally in these humdrum areas while I had real trauma I needed to process. Sometimes when we finally started talking about something difficult, my body would jump into convulsions. She would just sit there and watch, and she admitted she didn't know what it meant.

I still have convulsions when I get really grounded, like when I meditate. And for the last couple days when I catch myself "doing tricks" in my head to be good enough for you-know-who, I will notice and say, "Look, I'm doing tricks." At that point I will begin shaking or convulsing.

Right now I don't have a therapist--just got the insurance mess sorted out and am starting to look around for one again.
 
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Wow I can imagine how pissed off that would make me too!! I am glad you are able to look around for a new therapist now. It seems SE would be very appropriate for you from what you describe. It is also clear that she did not really know SE as shaking is almost standard part of the work. I think it is great what you are doing at the moment, becoming so highly aware, and that you are starting to shake is really good. I am no therapist, or actually, I am, but never worked as such, but what do you do now when the shaking starts? Shaking shows your body is really ready to process this, which is great progress already. I think Peter Levine has written about the shaking of animals coming out of traumatic shock, and how they just let it happen. The same for us. Would you be able to do that or with someone present? There is no danger in shaking, it is a sign of processing and to your brain it does not even matter if you are really into the emotions that are linked to it or not. Sometimes there are not even emotions it is just shaking. When I have it at home I usually go and lie in bed as that is a safe place and let it all go. In therapy I let it shake and often I can keep talking with my therapist on the cognitive level. The shaking is rooted in the reptilian brain. I have no experience with convulsions though, and would not be comfortable by the idea doing that on your own.

I will write more about my therapy tomorrow as I had a real bad night and am foggy in my head today. Here is one recent post about a session I described when going through disorganised attachment: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/trauma-bonding.53006/page-2#post-847406
I see you were also on that thread, so maybe you have read it before.
 
@Born to Run, yeah, the only thing that bothers me about the shaking is that it's been going on for over a year. It's like, how long do I have to shake before I discharge the trauma already?
 
Did you ever let it finish, as it is indeed about completion of the impulse?
Yeah, I always do. I don't do anything to stop it or slow it down. I rest and get grounded and then start jumping again. It's been going on for a while. Once I jumped unexpectedly and spilled my cup of tea all over myself. So far I can control it enough in public so I don't embarrass myself and have strangers asking me if I have Tourette Syndrome *crosses fingers*.
 
It is great you do that, even though as it continues it seems not really able to complete, and a therapist should be able to help you with this.

With regard to an SE therapist, I would at first look into their background, and see if they are a complete trauma therapist, who includes SE as one of their tools. Like they are by training a psychologist/psychiatrist, and not massage therapist. There are so many SE 'therapists', who call themselves therapist after doing an SE training only, and those are the ones you have encountered yourself.

For me SE therapy is going into bodily sensations, which can be tensions, pains, shaking, tingling, and I believe this is what you have already learned to do. The point is to keep feeling into this -actively supported by therapist- and then different things can start to happen. Certain emotions can come up and release themselves, or certain emotions can be too overwhelming to release yet, and you freeze. Same cycle start again to feel into the freeze, and you will slowly move out of it, which could lead to a totally different set of emotions you started off with, and you can release those.

Another way of release that I specifically had with totally unremembered stuff, is that the body will completely re-enact the child abuse scenario, it will feel like you are the child fighting off the abuser, you will make all the movements without your cognitive brain involved. The 'fun' thing is that at the same time your cognitive brain is still online and still remains the observer, so you do know what is going on. Then I say to my therapist 'hey this is really feeling and looking like someone is trying to drown me here', and I felt everything I did as a child. For many fragmented parts or EPs it has worked fantastically and point is after the release and trauma processing of this part, it is automatically integrated into your personality or ANP. I have been repeating this work for fragment after fragment and there were so many, it has been exhausting at times.

Light appropriate touch is used in SE, and this does miracles for me. If you run into a deep frozen part and nothing is moving after minutes of trying, my therapist will come sit next to me and put a hand on my back or shoulder and within a minute what is frozen will start moving. It is just the little bit of support that can facilitate this. It also tells you every time: I am no longer alone in this. Especially in the beginning this I found the most important that feeling. Or if really in despair I can ask my therapist 'may I please just hold your hand' and to me this is the humane aspect of the method, as holding a hand is priceless instead of words sometimes, and again the touch is so important to becoming a total feeling human being again.

Two basic building blocks of theory are underlying the SE method, and those are the Polyvagal Theory by Porges and Hypnosis as done by Milton Erickson. SE is basically done in a trance state, which actually is a light state of hypnosis; and it is the hypnosis that makes it possible for your brain to make those changes, as I described above. My therapist is therefore also trained in Hypnosis, for some patients he uses it in a different way. I reacted badly to deep hypnosis and we never did it again. The trance state is actually a state you automatically go into, when your focus goes inside in your body, and the therapist will accommodate this by talking slightly in a hypnosis inducing way. As mentioned your cognition is always online too, and should be, and nothing to be afraid of, it just feels odd in the beginning. Coming out of it at the end of the session takes some time, varying from 0 to 120 minutes from my experience. Then I sit in the waiting room until it is safe to drive home. Safe in the sense of mental clarity. It may feel your complete brain is being re-arranged after a session, dizzy, confused, and often I go straight to bed after a session, to let the neuroplasticity of the brain do its work.

It is not necessarily a chair based therapy, if you want to lie down (fold-out mattress always available) or walk or do whatever that is fine. Of course, you do talk as building a bond of trust =safe attachment remains essential as in any trauma therapy.

Trauma is complicated and that is why I think it is best that therapists have many different tools at their disposal. It is so hard to know beforehand how a specific patient will respond and what will help them optimally.
My therapist no longer uses EMDR and Brainspotting for complex trauma, only simple or mono-trauma.

I hope this gives you a better insight in SE, and to everyone I have no stock options in SE, as I am always promoting it. It is a personal delight after 20 years of other therapy, and it has saved my life.
 
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@Born to Run, wow, thank you for taking the time to write that. I must say, that sounds nothing like the alleged SE my therapist was doing.
With regard to an SE therapist, I would at first look into their background, and see if they are a complete trauma therapist, who includes SE as one of their tools. Like they are by training a psychologist/psychiatrist, and not massage therapist. There are so many SE 'therapists', who call themselves therapist after doing an SE training only, and those are the ones you have encountered yourself.
My therapist was a board certified psychologist. I just think that she was much more Gestalt oriented. It would not surprise me if your own experience is actually the outlier and most SE therapist can't really reach more than an intermediate level. Maybe in your part of the world, there is a greater emphasis on SE, and in America less so? We are the greed capital of the world, and the medical industry likes treatments, not cures. Not that SE is necessarily a cure for PTSD, but it comes a lot closer than Valium and happy talk.
 
Thank you Dana, you are welcome. Yes and no to what you write. My therapist trained with Peter Levine in the US, your country :-), and also assisted him, also trained with Steve Hoskins also a big SE guy in your country. A lot of really really good stuff comes from the US, in so many fields. It is true that in this country SE is popular, also because Levine spends his summers in Switzerland every year, so lot of training options. If you look at the SE website of Levine or traumahealing.org there are a lot of practitioners in the US too. I believe it to be a therapist dependent thing in how deep you want to go into a method. Mine goes all the way, and knows that not everyone does it like him. Many therapists are afraid of frozen states and panic what they should do, those are his words not mine. He believes in the power of the method as it is so close to our human biology, and sees the healing effects. So, yes you could be right about the outlier, OTOH there are several people on this forum, who also have very good therapists whilst living in the US. Switzerland is a mix of greed and quite advanced healthcare in every area. The biggest pharma companies are close to where I live; Roche and Novartis, but I get your point of the different attitudes between countries overall, and I think that is true.
 
My therapist was a board certified psychologist. I just think that she was much more Gestalt oriented.

Actually, this would be a good basis to work with SE. Just saying.

PS. As I can no longer edit my long post; it can be hilarious at times too, as you sometimes have no clue what your body is doing or is intending at first.
 
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