Other Parentalization

[sandhya]

I'm more aware of the Parentilization I was groomed to, here is the question I posed to a Pastor; need some perspective. Our mom is deteriorating, was sociophobic her whole life, lived through us and determined that we would be her nurses in the end....well...she is starting the process, she still lives alone, is almost 96 and we are all older elders ourselves, 3 of us starting at 74 on down. Im the young one at almost 66. My sister reminded me that since early on, I was everyones caregiver, I was to our dying grandma when I was 8, then my uncle who stayed with us when I was 12, (older siblings moved on) and my Dad when I was 48, I would come 3 or 4 times a week to check on him and my mom...and all the way through his dying process from home, hospital, rest home then back to hospital. My sisters off doing their thing in the late 50s. Now my Mom looks to me and says "will you be my nurse" I know this sounds odd, but I feel like the kid who was conceived and born to harvest organs from for the older kid who has cancer or organ failures... as if thats the only reason I was born. Now my Moms dementia is in crisis mode, and we are begging the medical community to come up with resources for us. I do not see her lasting through next year at all. We are working on getting home health care for her, and we will have to sell the house, we know that. Problem Im having is one sibling telling me, well thats the life you were given, deal with it. Hmmm Im not saying anymore, I told my mom today I wanted to be a daughter not a nurse, but that hasnt happened since I was 7 or 8. Suggestions? I want my mom not a patient.

 

[Movingforward10]

I feel for you.

Breaking out of the role you were assigned is incredibly difficult. I have done it and my family members have not appreciated it. I felt very guilty. But less now.

If you break out of that role your sibling who has said "that's your role, deal with it", is going to be very angry because it will shine a light on the unfairness of your role and that they should help out. The impact will not benefit them. Your role benefits them.
Same with your Mum. Depending on how much she is able to understand with her dementia. My mum is cognitively able and I am deemed cold and uncaring, because I put my boundaries in.

You can't change your mum. She wants a nurse not a daughter. Sorry to say. So it's about accepting what is and is not available in that relationship with her. And what do you want to do?

Be you. Live your life. You don't actually have a duty to be her nurse. And there isn't any guilt needed (all this is very easy to say but hard to do).

 

[arfie]

i estranged from my birth family --complete with the parentalized (?) expectations-- in my early 20's, 50 years ago, so i missed the end-of-life dramas for both parents, but your dilemma has me remembering Piedad, my sponsor in ecuador. she was the youngest of 8 siblings. by ecuadorian tradition, this made her the god-given caretaker for her mother. none of the elder sibs agreed with this tradition, but the mother was fanatical and refused to live with anyone except Piedad.

sigh. . . it was a long and tedious drama. Piedad survived it one day at a time.

for what it's worth
i rather envied Piedad's problem. i still believe estrangement was the best option available with my criminally dysfunctional family, but it left a gaping hole in my life. however diseased the amputated limb, you still miss it when it's gone.

 

[Sideways]

I told my mom today I wanted to be a daughter not a nurse

This is fair.

The entire situation is tragic - there is no good outcome for you or your mum. I’ve had to watch folks go through this stage of life, and it’s awful.

10 years ago, the expectation would have been the same for me. That out of the 4 kids in our family, I would be the one to carry the nursing burden.

It’s okay to step back from that responsibility like you have, and insist on simply being a daughter. There will potentially be some uncomfortable, potentially distressing effects of that - the most obvious being that the other people in your mum’s life may not step up to ensure that gap is filled.

But like I said, either way, at this point in time it’s a pretty awful time either way. And you’re allowed to choose a path that is the kindest on yourself to get through it.