Parents Treating Me Like I'm Well

[Kintsugi]

Okay, so anyone who knows my story knows that my parents aren't great at being supportive of me and are card-holding members of Denialville.

But I came here because I truly thought that this had changed. And I came here because I thought that at least my mother knew very well that I am living in symptomatic hell and need somewhere to exist for a while where I can just be myself and not have any pressures put on me.

Well, now that I'm here, they seem to have forgotten that I am not well at all, and I feel they are being very judgmental of where I'm at. Compounding this is that being back "home" always makes me crazier in many ways--my symptoms are usually much stronger, and I have memories come up that I'd put away.

The part I really don't get is that they're treating me like I should be fine and totally functional or like I'm lazy when I've already exhibited insane sleeping disturbances while here, like staying up for 30 or so hours or not sleeping until 4am even when I've taken sleeping pills.

They're very defensive about any exhibited anger, as well, but slamming doors or just being angry in general is just me trying to cope with thoughts of self harm and suicide! How do I explain that they should be okay with me closing a drawer forcefully if it means I'm not cutting?

This sense that I must be more productive and more demure is making me want to drink outrageously so that I can (a) escape and (b) act tame. That is not good.

I know they would prefer me if I were stoned. But I quit that and have no intention of seeking out more numbness to placate what they want from me.

How do I explain to them without feeling sad and vulnerable and stupid that I'm having extreme trouble with the most basic functioning and that they need to acknowledge that or else I truly need to leave?

So sorry I'm totally rambling but I'm really losing my grip here.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Wow I am so sorry your parents are not supportive.

I am not familiar with that area of parents, but I am familiar with denial.

Lots of people decide to live in denial because its easier than facing the truth.

My fiancee and his entire family live in denial and his family hurts my healing more than helping, I can't change their denial as I feel it is way too deep, my fiancees tune is changing though because he knows it is not healthy for me.

I have to stay away from people who are in denial because well it doesn't help with healing.

If I were you I would sit them down and prepare a speech. Prepare research for them to look at in regards to PTSD. Be honest and open and do not let there denial scare you off, you deserve to have support from your family. I would do all of that and do it calmly and ask not to be interrupted during this meeting. Maybe see if they can't join you in therapy so they can talk to the therapist as well or psychiatrist. Tell them you need support because what you are dealing with is hard.

What does support from your parents mean to you? Think about that and write that down. Some people just don't know how to handle things like this so maybe help them help you.

That's all I can think of. It does need to be addressed and if they keep denying even after, I would explain to them how unhealthy denial is to your healing and part ways. You gotta do whats best for you my dear, and being around that heavy cloud of denial is not good.

 

[franciemarnie]

Could you tell them what you told us? Show them your post?

Don't let stress be a reason to drink. It really exacerbates symptoms the morning-after by increasing stress hormones that already inundate your system. There's always a better way.

 

[DMerish]

What does support from your parents mean to you? Think about that and write that down. Some people just don't know how to handle things like this so maybe help them help you.

Hi MissAnti -

Hmmm, this does not sound like a very supportive or helpful situation. I thought Ashdawn made a great suggestion - writing down what behaviors and/or things your parents could do that would help you to feel supported. You could also write what behaviors and/or things that you think your parents would like from you. I mean, be specific - you said they'd like you to be "productive" and be more "demure" - but actions actually describer those terms? Also, I'm wondering when you say "demure" if you mean compliant -

 

[Kintsugi]

@ashdawn8287 You response was really awesome.

I'm thinking about returning to my old T, but it would sort of be like admitting I'm going to stay here for a month or more.

My T thinks--and has always openly expressed--that my parents need some serious help though :)

@DMerish They wouldn't say so, but I do think by "demure" I mean... More complacent than compliant. I lived my whole life being an abnormally obedient child. I think it has a lot to do with the abuse I suffered and my relationship with my abuser. I think they miss that girl and I'm trying to prove to myself that I don't have to be that person to be loved.

 

[Kintsugi]

I'll add that this whole situation is exacerbated by the fact that I've witnessed them--my whole life, really--bending over backwards to accommodate my brother's (abuser's) unceasingly nasty and totally inappropriate attitude. It has always been unfair to me that they would do anything to please him, no matter how horrible he was, and now I am here explicitly for a safe place to just be myself and work out some major problems that are plaguing me, and they don't seem to validate that at all; they just get angry and defensive at my behavior, as if I want to act this way (sleeping late, not eating, being unintentionally snappy).

If I become complacent to please them it will only tell me that I am right to think they only love me when I'm who they want me to be, but their love for my brother is no-holds-barred unconditional (which, at his age and because his nastiness is and has been his stasis, is really inappropriate).

:(

 

[ashdawn8287]

oh honey!!! I am so sorry you are in that situation.

I fled my parents house and never went back. I will see them on the holidays only because of my niece, but I DREAD seeing them. I talk wwith my dad through email because he is supportive with my PTSD. My mom is just immature and probably thinks its funny. Who knows. My mom controls my dad so that is why we can only communicate through emails.

They don't want to fuss up that your brother did those things. HOW SICK!!! Makes me so angry and if you accept I am sending loads of hugs and positive thoughts your way. Hang in there.

 

[Kintsugi]

You got me cracking up @ashdawn8287. Thank you loads for the hugs.

They think they accept it, but they don't. They also think that they accept that I have PTSD... But their actions are so ignorant sometimes.

The last time I was here I did write a list of symptoms that I suffer from (it was like four pages long... Jesus) and shared it with my mother. But they don't really seem to know how to be supportive.

My mother would say she does not suffer from this thinking, but she does. They treat me like a car that needs fixing. Tell me what the problem is and then follow this solution. I don't really operate that way. I feel like I have HIV and they think it's just an infection, if you'll excuse my appropriation of the condition for this metaphor. There are a thousand things I could do to stay well, and they may or may not actually work: it isn't just taking an antibiotic and waiting.

I've never been able to go to my parents, either one, to tell them I'm feeling bad and receive "TLC." I'm given a list of directives to solve the problem. Maybe that can be a good thing. It's helpful with paperwork. But it's not helpful when you just want a hug or some sympathy.

My mother-in-law plays the part of TLC giver, but she and I have been at odds lately, which is part of why I'm here to begin with. Plus I have a crazy complex about how she is not actually related to me, so I don't like seeking her help unless I am truly in deep shit. :)

Anyway... I don't know how to hammer it in much further. I guess I can try being a broken record and write to them again and again saying "THIS! THIS is what I'm dealing with! Here's how you can help!"

I just feel like every time I try to share something they absorb it like a personal affront, like, "This is what terrible parents you are."

:sour:

 

[ashdawn8287]

well I am glad I got you laughing!

I get the HIV metaphor. Nicely said.

That has to be frustrating. I am thinking about how I have fought denial with my fiancee and i is absolutely childish and immature and I wish it had a face because I would def punch denial right in the face.


ANyway you can make up to your stepmom? She seems like a dear person and offering you TLC is awesome and that is what you need. I am sorry you guys are going at though.

OH MAN that has to suck not being able to be emotional. I was always allowed to be an emotional wreck. They gave me TLC when they could but were mostly absorbed in their own problems, now that I am an adult I realize I cannot go to them for that. Well maybe to cry and hug my dad if my feelings are really hurt so I guess it is still there.

Damn parents. Stupid stupid stupid denial.

 

[ashdawn8287]

If you ever need to vent send me a conversation. :) I am a chatter box!

 

[Kintsugi]

well I wish it had a face because I would def punch denial right in the face.

:roflmao:
I think you need to be the first stand-up comic for PTSD.

 

[ashdawn8287]

hahahaha

I'm so glad you get my sense of humor! :D