Partially here and there

[Anana]

Usually my work helps me to " go out of fog in head" and be what i am (well, my healthy part) but recently i have been felling strange. I cant say it to be disociative episodes (because they are shorter and more intense) but this state lasts for a about week. I m like "here" in dissociation and "there" observing it. Im slow in reactions, my ideas dont pop up spontaneuosly as they usually do, im not attentive, dull, no creativity,and veryyy vulnerable. At first i comforted myself like " do not worry it will pass, give yourself a rest, dont panic, it is your pace right now" but now it doesnt help anymore and my therapist says that is okay(????)and i now have already uncontrollable anxiety. Because tomorrow i will meet again people(at work)who saw me like this the last our two meetings and taking imto account that i still feel like that i realy afraid they will reject my services. Do you have any ideas to get rid of this stuff? usual strategies do not help. I changed activites, people around, tasted different food, listened to music, doing a lot of exercise, drank tones of coffes and still im like frozen.

 

[EveHarrington]

It sounds like dissociation to me.

Do you know why you dissociate?

 

[Anana]

my therapist also says to think what causes it. But the thing is that i dont feel that there is smth trigerring me. (i have dissociations a lot and am aware how to cope with them). now i completely isolated myself from others and can do what i want but still it takes me here and
i cant just figure out what it is((

 

[barefoot]

It sounds like dissociation to me too. Have you looked up depersonalisation and derealisation? They are specific types of dissociation and, for me, feel different to when my head just checks out when I dissociate in a therapy session, for instance.

I always describe those as feeling like “I’m here but not here”. It feels quite like you’re describing in terms of being in here (experiencing it) while at the same time being over there (observing it) It feels...surreal...hard to concentrate, hard to engage with other people, hard to focus on my own thoughts, like my brain has slowed right down...

What helps you manage the dissociation that you you when you recognise when it’s happening?

 

[Anana]

How do I jump out of dissociation? Talking to myself, comforting and then do smth (listed above) but the most effective is therapist talk or a significant one. But I don't have one already. And i guess I got to use to it(that I'm alone) already thanks to my thearpy hmmm. That is triggering me now yea.

 

[Anana]

There was a continuation of that "srory". The next night I had an odd dream where I was succesfully struggling with some circumstances and my mum (though I didn think about her before) sincerely praised me. And by some miracles I woke up fresh and "sound" (almost) and managed to have great meetings. That is really strange. I always only had nightmares that just exsausted me and this one was a kind of healing. (and oh me, really, come on, im 31 years old having her own child and why the hell it is still so important?!((

But still I'm not completely in "on mode" and thinking perhaps the depression has come back (though I have not had it for a long time) because Im slow and much less productive. And then a new question arises. On the one hand trying to be socially active helps me to overcome depression on the other- some people trigger me . So, staying will help me to avoid dissociative issues but as well it makes me more depressive. I don't want to eat, to do things that I used to like,I feel miserable and day after day I see less and less good future. And I'm really tired of all this mess in head. I can take one issue separately and already see causes, what to do how to live etc. But thete are times when all my knowledge mix up and it so owehelming and im just FED UP by all this and understand it will never end