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D
Deleted member 1860
love is never enough. you don't get an award for going down with a sinking ship.
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anthony
Founder
People should not turn this into an alcohol discussion... you can start a new thread about that. Those aspects discussed are minimal and not the primary focus here.
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- #15
anthony
Founder
@Solara, you tend to have a negative all or nothing view with relationships. Duly noted... but until you're in one, maybe you should reframe a little with the all or nothing view? Love is not simple. People with problems can still be loved, and still need love. Most people with PTSD tend to be in a relationship prior than, one gets PTSD, then the other has to deal with it. You can't just ask people to stop loving their partner because they got PTSD and suddenly things are stressed. You're attitude towards this is no different than saying, "oh gee honey, you have cancer, sorry, I have to leave this relationship now because you've made it too hard for me."
There is zero differentiation between the two scenarios. Being cold hearted only gets you so far... and its not typically with love around you.
There is zero differentiation between the two scenarios. Being cold hearted only gets you so far... and its not typically with love around you.
Alcohol sounds like an issue. I'm relating as an alcoholic with c-ptsd. Just trying to be helpful, but I'll get off your turf. @anthony , it's okay to address me as Chava and not "people".
Just hope the drinking is taken seriously since it sounds potentially dangerous. "Why" we drink doesn't usually come to an alcoholic before they've done much destruction. But if Emm's boyfriend can take a few beers instead, it should all be okay.
Just hope the drinking is taken seriously since it sounds potentially dangerous. "Why" we drink doesn't usually come to an alcoholic before they've done much destruction. But if Emm's boyfriend can take a few beers instead, it should all be okay.
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- #18
E
Emm
Sighs- I don't think he wants to change. He knows he's got a crap life now and he does try but I know he thinks that drinking isn't an issue or that he even has PTSD. He's cheated on me, he breaks up with me on a regular basis, he shouts at everyone, he bullies me, all when he's drunk. He sees failure or asking for help with anything a sign of weakness and being less of a man. It's kind of just hitting home. He's never going to change. And if he does, it's not going to be because of me because I don't think I'm important to him enough at this time in his life. Thanks everyone for your comments, it had actually helped me realise a few things even in this very short space of time.
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@anthony - leaving the drinking to one side, based on @Emm's comment above then using your analogy he has cancer and is in denial about it, refusing chemo, radiation and surgery. I didn't tell @Emm to leave him. I've put up with more than most people would from my vet so I do have a lot of empathy with this situation, but my point is that if nothing changes then nothing changes. She either accepts him as he is and chooses to stay or she decides not to. No right or wrong.
@Emm - I doubt its that you are not important to him. @FridayJones explained to me once that when in the grip of a PTSD storm its like being offered your favourite food when you are violently throwing up. Of course you don't want it! But its still your favourite food. He may love you very very much but just not be able to treat you well because he is too ill.
I think we are all really on the same page here - we want @Emm to make sure she is physically safe and to understand that only her partner can make the necessary changes to his life. Fingers crossed that both those things happen!
@Emm - I doubt its that you are not important to him. @FridayJones explained to me once that when in the grip of a PTSD storm its like being offered your favourite food when you are violently throwing up. Of course you don't want it! But its still your favourite food. He may love you very very much but just not be able to treat you well because he is too ill.
I think we are all really on the same page here - we want @Emm to make sure she is physically safe and to understand that only her partner can make the necessary changes to his life. Fingers crossed that both those things happen!
littlestars
Bronze Member
Just pretend he doesn't have PTSD for a moment. Try to picture that. What do you see? How do you feel about him now? More importantly, do you see what you are subjecting yourself to?
You are being abused. It's eerie to me because I went through this same toxic relationship a few years ago (He was in the military as well, was abused as a child, abused alcohol and me in every way possible, we broke up and got back together constantly and he cheated on me frequently). I chose to stay with that person and be subjected to trauma he caused me because I loved him. Because I believed so fiercely that I could "cure" or "help" him, since I have the same disorder. Your love may be vast and great for him, but if he really loved you he wouldn't treat you so horribly despite his issues. At the most, a person with PTSD would emotionally shut down - which is the worst thing, in my opinion and that I can think of right now, that someone with PTSD can do that harms other people.
I know this is everything you don't want to hear. But, it's obvious to me that he doesn't respect you (based on what you wrote) and he sounds like he doesn't want help or to better his life (also based on what you wrote). He sounds like he needs a variety of professional help, which sadly, is more than what you can give or offer to him (I learned the hard way and that's putting it lightly). You are just a supporter to him and cannot provide anything further that a professional could give to him. And he has to want help with his own free will. The amount of love you have for this person sounds vast, but what is their amount of love toward you?
In my situation I learned that sometimes all you can do is save yourself and hope for the best for the other person. You can still love someone and not be with them. Or even have them in your life. Letting go of the relationship I was in with that person was the greatest thing I ever did for myself and it was the most terrifying moment in my adult life. I ended the relationship and needed to get a restraining order against him (abusive relationships always get worse with time, "starts with bruises and ends with to life support or worse" as my mother would say; I am proof of that because he almost shot me in the face when I broke up with him for the last time. I was lucky I didn't get hurt or worse).
Get yourself out of this before it's too late if he gets more violent. I'm very sorry that I am telling you this and you probably have a million reasons in your head why I am wrong... But, you don't deserve to be treated like that, no one does, and he needs to figure out for himself what kind of path he wants to live, if he decides on his own wants to better his life.
Good luck to you. I'm sorry you are going through this...
You are being abused. It's eerie to me because I went through this same toxic relationship a few years ago (He was in the military as well, was abused as a child, abused alcohol and me in every way possible, we broke up and got back together constantly and he cheated on me frequently). I chose to stay with that person and be subjected to trauma he caused me because I loved him. Because I believed so fiercely that I could "cure" or "help" him, since I have the same disorder. Your love may be vast and great for him, but if he really loved you he wouldn't treat you so horribly despite his issues. At the most, a person with PTSD would emotionally shut down - which is the worst thing, in my opinion and that I can think of right now, that someone with PTSD can do that harms other people.
I know this is everything you don't want to hear. But, it's obvious to me that he doesn't respect you (based on what you wrote) and he sounds like he doesn't want help or to better his life (also based on what you wrote). He sounds like he needs a variety of professional help, which sadly, is more than what you can give or offer to him (I learned the hard way and that's putting it lightly). You are just a supporter to him and cannot provide anything further that a professional could give to him. And he has to want help with his own free will. The amount of love you have for this person sounds vast, but what is their amount of love toward you?
In my situation I learned that sometimes all you can do is save yourself and hope for the best for the other person. You can still love someone and not be with them. Or even have them in your life. Letting go of the relationship I was in with that person was the greatest thing I ever did for myself and it was the most terrifying moment in my adult life. I ended the relationship and needed to get a restraining order against him (abusive relationships always get worse with time, "starts with bruises and ends with to life support or worse" as my mother would say; I am proof of that because he almost shot me in the face when I broke up with him for the last time. I was lucky I didn't get hurt or worse).
Get yourself out of this before it's too late if he gets more violent. I'm very sorry that I am telling you this and you probably have a million reasons in your head why I am wrong... But, you don't deserve to be treated like that, no one does, and he needs to figure out for himself what kind of path he wants to live, if he decides on his own wants to better his life.
Good luck to you. I'm sorry you are going through this...
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intothelight
Sponsor
@Emm
Relationships are complicated even when two people have very few issues. I will just encourage you to do what is best for you and to develop the boundaries necessary to keep yourself safe. No one has the right to lay hands on any one and I cannot say violence will escalate, but stopping that behavior in its tracks is critical.
Learn all that you can as being informed will not hurt anything and may help you come to some of your own conclusions. Self medicating and PTSD is a bad combination, but until he decides to make the changes, the best you can do is to make the changes that you can to keep yourself healthy physically, mentally and emotionally.
Relationships are complicated even when two people have very few issues. I will just encourage you to do what is best for you and to develop the boundaries necessary to keep yourself safe. No one has the right to lay hands on any one and I cannot say violence will escalate, but stopping that behavior in its tracks is critical.
Learn all that you can as being informed will not hurt anything and may help you come to some of your own conclusions. Self medicating and PTSD is a bad combination, but until he decides to make the changes, the best you can do is to make the changes that you can to keep yourself healthy physically, mentally and emotionally.
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