Past Memories Severely Faded & New Ones Don't Stick

[FabulousEnding]

Around 8 years ago I went through something that was so traumatic, I remember almost nothing from the entire year. I had a few faint memories of things... Like this cat I really liked, a couple incidents of abuse, walking somewhere and where I worked. I had no idea how much I didn't know until my friends told me things, and it was like hearing about someone else's life. I was so disturbed and empathetic, feeling horrified at what this person must've gone through. Except it was me. From that point on no one will tell me a thing after seeing the look of shock on my face from hearing it for the first time. According to them, it's a good thing I don't remember because it was incredibly horrific.

My entire life has been nearly 3 decades of constant trauma... I might as well have grown up in a war zone. The memories of my past feel so faded and like they happened to someone else. I remember facts about situations, but if I didn't consciously know these events happened, I wouldn't believe that it did. It just doesn't feel like it happened to me. My memories feel like "In 2006 I went to this place with ----- and we did --------." I escaped my predators/abusers/parents 6 months ago, and it feels like I was just born a few months ago... Like I've been living in a coma for 28 years.

But now I'm realizing I'm not able to make new memories. It wasn't until this dream I had, where my boyfriend got replaced with someone I've seen recently, all because I haven't seen him in a week and couldn't remember what he looked like. I woke up crying. It starts to feel like he doesn't exist, like my mind is erasing him after only a day or two of being apart. That mechanism is great for when someone is in my life and suddenly gone... Feels like they never existed and it never happened. But I don't want to forget my Mr. Right/boyfriend. I'm even able to lose interest in all things intimate, becoming asexual, because I don't remember. I logically know it happened, but I don't remember much of it. So every time feels like the first time. If I don't live my greatest passions nearly every day, I will forget that I love doing those things. I'll feel an emptiness but forget why... Then when I engage my passions, I feel alive again.

I have no idea what this is... Please, someone tell me they go through this too... :(

 

[Tinyflame]

Unfortunately more or less, yes.

 

[Tinyflame]

Perhaps it's total stress overwhelm? :(

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Have you been diagnosed? Do you have a dissociative disorder? That would be my first guess, but only a professional can tell you for sure.

 

[FabulousEnding]

Have you been diagnosed? Do you have a dissociative disorder?

Not that I know of... A therapist told me I had an attachment disorder though. Before the year I can't remember, I had as close to a genuine photographic memory as you can get. I remembered experiences as vividly as if they were happening right in front of me. Now my memory sucks.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Have you been tested for a dissociative disorder? If not, that's a place to start.

 

[Tinyflame]

I cant say the same exactly, but I can say this much as regards my experiences. The original trauma, yes- some things were blocked out, after as well, that was the first indicator to me (along with flashbacks and some other 'strange' happenings) that something was wrong. As far as memories go, negative ones and such seem very state dependent, when I am feeling (I presume) the same way emotionally or triggered to feeling the same way emotionally the memories are very clear.

In term of an incomplete memory I had, or bits and pieces, I specifically tried not to remember, and feel over time sufficiently satisfied that it is not blocked, or indicative of something my mind is trying to block. It was very uncomfortable to 'sit with it' and 'wait', however.

I too have had an incredible memory for details. But I think it is very much stress related, or stress-compromised, specifically biochemically (adrenaline/ cortisol/ cortisone production etc), and/or depression or exhaustion related. I think that is normal for anyone under extreme stress, to be honest, but it is the severity or frequency of it that however is not. Or perhaps it's too much stress for too long.

I can recall memories when prompted or reminded, but on my own frequently can't. I think it contributes to finding it difficult to trust, because I can't remember equally the reasons or past experiences I should at a given moment that show someone is and has been trustworthy. Conversely, I probably also 'forget' too much in the present moment when someone has not been trustworthy.

As you said, I can find passion or reason again when actively occupied ('forgetting' the stress). I suspect some of the loss of other interests can also be depression or exhaustion affected. But primarily it's like my body is wound up so tight and my mind so occupied with past reminders and current vigilance issues that I can't begin to relax enough to recall what I should. But the memories are in there. When I can I do.

 

[Raj]

Memory issues really freak me out. I have a hard time recalling memories especially of times when I could hold down a job or specific years of abuse. I still try to only remember the good years and keep out the bad. It all seems to fade together and then blur into oblivion.

Therapists' want to know "when did that or this happen"? All I can say is childhood or a few years ago, but I can't ever really put a year to things. Even my wedding anniversary is hard, because of hostility that was thrown at my wife and I. The few times I tried part time work it was extremely hard to figure out dates for job applications, because all I could recall was the negatives associated with the jobs, even the good jobs!

I am trying to get where I can "deal" with my entire history, but I am not there and when I try to remember it all at once I get angry or panic then focus is gone.

 

[ButterflyBean]

Hi Fabulous,

I'm sorry you're struggling so much and can only imagine your fear! I can't be sure, because I'm not a therapist, but the technical term for what your describing sounds like repressed memories. If you feel like you wake up and "lose time", you may be experiencing dissociation. Both are coping mechanisms and consist of traumatic parts in your life that are too painful for your brain to process. Your brain blocks them, and doesn't allow access in order to protect you from becoming too overwhelmed before you're ready to handle the pain in a purposeful way. I have dreams with confusing, frightening images too, and I'm not sure if this is true, but I think they are the brain's way of trying to make sense of things that are to confusing or painful for our consciousness to handle.

As you go to therapy and work through your trauma, you'll recover full memories and be able to handle your feelings. It's a slow process, and things will happen when you're ready, so just be patient and gentle with yourself! Do you have a therapist? If not, it would be very wise to find one! I believe a good support system, trust, and professional therapy are vital to healing and learning to live with PTSD, but that's just my opinion!

I hope things calm down for you soon and you find the support you need! I promise you are not alone! I'm here if you need to talk!

~Holly

 

[Abstract]

it feels like I was just born a few months ago... Like I've been living in a coma for 28 years.

This is almost exactly the way I describe coming out of my more dissociative past.

I have to say that from what you describe I would be very surprised if it isn't dissociation related. But only a professional can tell you of course .

Look up dissociative trance, depersonalisation, derealisation and emotional numbing. Depersonalisation can be almost all encompassing. It can make things feel totally disconnected from us and as if a in a story or a dream.

Please don't get too concerned about the dissociative identity disorder aspect of dissociation when you read up as that is pretty rare. The things you describe can all potentially be explained by "normal" PTSD dissociation.

Remember too that all types of dissociation is a skill that not everyone can do. It is a clever means of our minds keeping us sane and dealing with overwhelm. So really you are creative and survivor if this is what is happening!

 

[cherryblossom]

If your memory loss has no physical cause then I would suggest seeing a psychiatrist for a full assessment (not just to be tested for dissociative disorder). To be fully assessed, with no preconceived ideas about what might have caused your issues. Let the professional diagnose you!

 

[FabulousEnding]

Look up dissociative trance, depersonalisation, derealisation and emotional numbing. Depersonalisation can be almost all encompassing. It can make things feel totally disconnected from us and as if a in a story or a dream.

I looked up the dissociative trance you mentioned. In the psychcentral site I found this little tidbit that rang some bells, as this is what happened to me and why I don't remember anything for a year of my life (possibly longer because it wouldn't have happened if I wasn't primed by my upbringing first):


"States of dissociation that occur in individuals who have been subjected to periods of prolonged and intense coercive persuasion (e.g., brainwashing, thought reform, or indoctrination while captive)."