Past Wives And Girlfriends And Flirting

[KK3966]

I have a question. My bf seems to have trouble letting go of his past. He would stay in contact w/old wives and girlfriends. I'm wondering if it's a PTSD symptom or not?

I have expressed my feelings and for the most part he has severed ties. He has rekindled with more than one ex before, so that concerned me. I did not want these girls "on hold" so to speak, in case things didn't work out with us. They, too, seem to want to stay in contact with him...even though they didn't want him. It's so strange for me. I get along w/almost all my old boyfriends, but we don't stay in contact w/each other like that. There was always something.. some excuse to stay in contact. Either on their part, or his, or both. It was texting, emails, forwarding jokes, the occasional phone call to see if he's "happy". I know this guy has mangetism, but dang. lol.

Things have improved. But it's just like old photos, being tagged in pictures w/ex-wife #2 (yes, the dreaded facebook!), having fb photos up of ex wife #1 from January, stored pics on his computer of modeling type shots from an exgirlfriend, wanting to go to his exwife #2 family's store opening bcuz he worked on the place. Things like that. I have expressed my dislike for the fb photos and it just makes him mad. He cannot or will not understand my perspective. Case closed there. He's usually open about discussing things, but for some reason.. not this.

As for flirting, I'm also wondering if this is a ptsd symptom? He was really flirty/suggestive with other women. He is trying hard not to be that way, and I am trying hard not to be so uptight about it. So, things are going well so far. His friend was upset the other day and ranting about something on facebook, and he said he knew how to make her smile, and he was going to post "I love boobies" to her. ?? This came from a breast cancer awareness t-shirt we saw. I let it slide, he didn't do it, and he was back peddling his butt off. It hurt, I don't like it, but I let it go. I can be a perv, too, but only towards him. lol.

I think it's disrespectful to your partner and to your relationship to be suggestive towards other people. I think we are doing pretty good in this area now, but I'm wondering if it's a symptom or a personality trait? He says he's always been around people that act that way. & for me, he's always been cheated on, & often been approached to be cheated with, so maybe that should tell him something.

Also, for the record, I truly believe he will not actually cheat. He's incredibly loyal, which is why I'm trying to chill about it.

 

[KK3966]

Still hoping someone out there can tell me if these are PTSD symptoms, or personality traits?... Thank you

 

[Froggie]

Hi KK3966, I think that he has a behavior problem or an affective attachment disorder. To know if it is PTSD, he has to agree to see a mental health specialist to be evaluated. This forum is a peer group support forum and no one here can offer diagnosis, sorry no help on there. But one question, is he worth all this pain that it is causing you ?

 

[KK3966]

He has seen a professional and been diagnosed w/PTSD. Has all the classic symptoms. I think he is on the less severe side of the spectrum. He is worth it. He's an amazing man. When it's good.. it's like nothing I've ever had before. He's loyal, loving, caring, thoughtful. I want to be there for him.

 

[KK3966]

Froggie, I'm looking up attachment disorders and this is sheddin' some light. Does associate with stress & anxiety disorders, too. He has combat ptsd, but I often thought he probably developed ptsd from his childhood. Mom and sister are the only one's around right now and boy does he have a lot to deal with there. Somtimes I wonder about the dissassociation part of ptsd...I don't know. When it's good, he appears completely present. I don't know.
Thank you for responding :)

 

[KK3966]

Anyone else got any insight on this? Thank you...

 

[MTravis86]

I am new to this forum, but having dated someone like that, it does become hard to handle. Every situation is different, and not knowing you personally or your BF, my insight is from my perspective. If you feel he is cheating or something is wrong, then there is something wrong. It obviously bothers you, we all have internal compasses and monitoring that gives us clues that something is not balanced.

Outside, looking in, when I started to date again, I had a similar issue. I became very clear of what I did not want to have in my relationship, regardless of how beautiful, sexy or good the sex. I wanted a partner I could trust. Emotional cheating, is a big deal and men (being one) we do have a tendency to want to be liked by women, it makes us feel good to some degree, but there is a fine line. A man can be a gentleman, give a peck on the cheek to someone they know, but should be careful on crossing lines. Some men are just labradors and folks like them - they are friendly to everyone and know their boundaries. Maybe you BF does too. I have plenty of female friends from work and from my current GF, but do not cross the lines of those friendships. They feel safe with me and I with them. It is comforting know that I can do that and give reassurance to my GF on those meetings or conversations. However....There are women out there that seek out to push the boundaries, they have their own issues either at home or in life and do not care about your feelings. I have had to break my ties with those women, because they tried to cross those boundaries.

From my experience on the other foot, It sucks, I know. I went so far as to reading text messages and realized this is not what I wanted in my life, why did I divorce for another set of crazy. Have the talk with him- and ask him, where is your head? If he cannot be honest, you will know your answer, it depends on what you are willing to sign-up for- if you don't want to be that way like him, then you don't have to be with him- you deserve your own happiness. - just my thoughts-

 

[The Albatross]

Not associated with PTSD as far as I'm concerned (a sufferer) but it's a broad spectrum.

 

[Privateer]

I'm still in touch with my ex-girlfriends, but only as friends. We were friends before we started bumping uglies and stayed friends afterwards. I warned my wife I worked that way when I met her and it's never been a problem.

I'm also an incorrigible flirt- I always have been- but flirting is as far as it goes now that I'm married.

Maybe he just likes female company, without it being any more than that?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I wish you the best on this one. This situation would be a dealbreaker for me. I would be jeolous and I could not handle it. I do not think this is about Ptsd, but a character problem. He seems to want his cake and eat it too. Just my opinion.

Good luck with this one. I really feel for you.

 

[BloomInWinter]

He is worth it. He's an amazing man. When it's good.. it's like nothing I've ever had before. He's loyal, loving, caring, thoughtful.

While he may indeed 'be' these things, the behaviors you are describing are not.

If he never changes these, would you be happy? Because relationships should never be built upon the hope for behavior change, but upon the reality of how we act, in the now.

His PTSD isn't causing this, I think.

You deserve to decide for yourself what you are willing to live with the rest of your life. A good place to start is by only judging on his behavior, and ignoring what he says. Does his behavior reflect how you want to be treated by a partner?

Listen to what your gut is telling you, and trust it.

 

[MTravis86]

I agree with BloomInWinter. Your gut will tell you. It will be a hard conversation and if he cares he will have to bring closure to those people to be respectful to him to stop any sexting or reaching out. They need to be respectful to your relationship. Meaning, but it on the other foot, how would they feel if you reached out their other men and how would he feel about it. Thinking about it more- it is about respect too.