People who know, but don't *get* it.

[EmmaOwl]

I post a lot here about my dentist :) I've got a zillion problems, some related to PTSD (tooth grinding is firmly in this category) and some not.

ANYWAY. I was in today, had some hard work done, was concerned about pain. My dentist knows me very well - he knows what meds I take, that they almost all cause dry mouth, that I don't have dental insurance but I'm dedicated to taking care as much as possible to keep what teeth I have left. He knows that the tooth grinding is impossible for me to control, when I have horrific dreams on a nightly basis.

So he KNOWS all this stuff. He knows I'm on disability, that I live with family, and I have someone who takes care of me even at my advanced age! He knows that it is mostly because I have PTSD, along with chronic pain.
At the end of today's visit, I was still numbed up with the shots of anesthetic. Before I left, I said, "Look. My quality of life is very low. After my last appointment, I was in so much pain that my quality of life dropped dangerously close to zero." I said, "I'm embarrassed to be so frank about how much pain I am in, but my caregiver asked me to tell you all this, and said I cannot go through what I did last time. Right now, I'm trying to self-advocate."

Fine the dentist deals with the medication issue (four 5m vicodin pills, wow. Well, it's better than nothing). He asks if there's anything I like to binge watch on Netflix, whatever, I tell him I can't concentrate and spend a lot of time with a book open in my lap.
He tells me "there's this interesting new show, it starts with blowing up the Capitol building..."

I said calmly, "As a survivor of September 11th, I cannot watch a show like that." He nodded but kept talking about I'm-not-sure-what. It seemed like he was trying to redirect my attention (and was extremely unsuccessful).

The guy is kind and he tries to understand... but clearly does not get it. Maybe he doesn't have time to get it, but I think he doesn't understand true pain - physical or mental.

On the other hand, he takes good care of my teeth, he knows there are issues I can't avoid, that aren't my "fault" so to speak... He even knows that I have self-care problems, and that I try to fight through those. He's a perfectionist, and it's expensive, but since I don't have dental insurance he gives me breaks here and there. (It's not like insurance plans pay as much as the "stated costs" are.) So I'm sticking with him despite the lack of understanding of what I think is a fairly basic issue. He does excellent work, actually.

So today, it didn't upset me in a PTSD-way - no panics or anything and I was able to speak in a straightforward way without falling apart in public. Still, I was kinda annoyed at how blasé he was about it. So here I am - complaining right here in this message! I'm sure lots of people with PTSD experience this kind of thing - other doctors or health care providers who are technically sympathetic, but you can talk their ears off describing symptoms and they still will not get it. When I mentioned the quality-of-life thing, he said, "Well, you clearly work to get the best you can out of things."

That made me want to yell. "Hell yeah I work at it!" - because I do. I said pretty calmly, "Yes. I work very hard." But in his eyes, the fact that I am a good patient while I am actually in the office, seems to make him think that I don't need different kinds of care than the "typical" patient. He doesn't understand that by the time I get home from each appointment, I'm in tears.
Sorry. That's my little rant of the day.

 

[Kintsugi]

If you seem functional, people really don't get it. Not unless they personally see shit hit the fan.

My best friend knows all sorts of things about me, but at the end of the day, she just doesn't know. She went through a really suicidal period of time early this year--with great reason--but it was like she thought I didn't understand the intensity. I kept emphasizing I did get it; I experience that all the time. But I keep to myself when I'm like that. I don't reach out or talk about it. So she just thinks... I don't know?

It's a real shame people can't understand.

 

[gealach]

He doesn't understand that by the time I get home from each appointment, I'm in tears.

If you seem functional, people really don't get it.

^^^ THIS!!!! ^^^

It would be nice if appearing to be functional, in public, didn't equal "i'm fine" to people. Just because you're not constantly losing your s$&t in public doesn't mean you don't have ptsd, or needs that are different from the average person.

 

[Nessa7]

I'm a little worried about this, because I'm going to be seeing quite a few dentists over the next month or two. I've been doing everything I can to warn them, but it is hard when they don't even know what hypervigilance is.

I had a really bad experience with an eye doctor a year ago. Every test they wanted to do was a total failure, and it culminated in my actually trying to shove the doctor away from me. I got the puffer test, and the woman doing that test thought that she was able to get a good enough result to be able to tell that it was fine. The doctor disagreed and wanted it done again. Apparently, they take a plastic thing about the size of those really big crayons that very young children use with a needle or something on it and stick that in your eye. I could not relax enough to let her do it, and she seemed to think the solution would be to keep trying to do it even as I said that I needed a break to try to calm down. It was horrible.

 

[Deadman]

Maybe he doesn't have time to get it,

Most doctors and dentists don't.

but I think he doesn't understand true pain - physical or mental

Unless you have 'been there' its almost impossible to and even if he did he requires a certain amount of emotional distance to keep from burning out.

 

[SasTana]

I post a lot here about my dentist :) I've got a zillion problems, some related to PTSD (tooth grind...

I'm sorry. Many people can't understand the horrors of this world and its consequences if it doesn't hit them personally. You handled it well!

 

[EmmaOwl]

I'm sorry. Many people can't understand the horrors of this world and its consequences if it do...

Thanks. The way things are going, I'm throwing up my hands and going to self-treat PTSD based entirely on what I experience at the dentist! Ha. THAT would be an interesting case study.
Thanks for all the comments, guys, right on target.

 

[EmmaOwl]

I'm a little worried about this, because I'm going to be seeing quite a few dentists over the next month...

Nessa, I wouldn't worry overmuch about it. I'm in an extremely unique situation, and right now I pretty much see my dentist every month if not even more between. I rarely have any problems with the care that I receive, and in fact everyone at that office is extraordinarily kind. There were just little slips that pop up because I am at that office so often!

That being said, please send me a PM if you have more specific questions, okay? I have gathered a wealth of knowledge over these past couple of years! I now speak "dentist" as a second language.

As for the eye thing... ick. I saw Hugh Laurie on House conducting that test with the needle, and apparently there are no nerve endings, so it is pain free. One of the characters says "It's gonna look scary as hell, but you won't feel it." They had to bind up the patient's head so it couldn't move even a millimeter.
-And, that's exactly where you get to a point, it might be best to deal with a trauma patient in a different way, guided in with a little more attention paid to the whole thing :( I'm sorry for your troubles.

 

[holdenmonty]

Luckily I haven't been to a truly "civilian" doctor yet so I guess that is a blessing in disguise for me at the moment. I have ran into a couple of instances where people just don't get it. In the past I have made it aware and sometimes still make it aware on my facebook page that I struggle with my ptsd symtoms at times. But anyway my dad said that one of our relatives asked him how I have been since I have been home and he told them that I seem relatively fine but that it is probably a big help being at home as well because it's where I grew up and everything is very familiar.

So it's interesting how even the people closest to us like my dad even though I try to hide it from them which I guess I'm doing a pretty good job is that sometimes we seem fine just because we aren't loosing it on a consistent basis.

 

[joeylittle]

I think he doesn't understand true pain - physical or mental.

I'd caution against thinking this, of anyone. You simply do not and cannot know.

But in his eyes, the fact that I am a good patient while I am actually in the office, seems to make him think that I don't need different kinds of care than the "typical" patient. He doesn't understand that by the time I get home from each appointment, I'm in tears.

Maybe he does. And maybe he also understands that there is nothing he can do about it. Maybe he knows it's not his responsibility.

I really do understand the deep frustration of knowing how hard I have to work, and how little of that work shows. I really do get it.

But when it comes to most professional interactions - which is what this is - it's not their role, to validate your struggle. You need to validate it for yourself.

I guess what I'm saying is - I don't think your dentist is doing anything wrong. He's supporting you in the ways his role in your life allows - he cuts you slack financially, takes care of your teeth, and when you asked, gave you better support on pain management.

But I know that lonely and invisible feeling quite well. It gets easier to deal with if you can find a way to be purely proud of how well you are functioning at the dentist, and not be looking to him for that level of validation.

 

[Klo]

I have been there plenty of times myself so I get it to an extent.

In regards to having moments of feeling especially vulnerable and really just needing some emotional nurturing, and there is nobody who can provide it.

And then ending up desperately reaching out to the closest possibly capable person but it's a no-go. They're just not qualified and it's not their fault and it just sucks.

Then later feeling guilty or embarrassed or angry or depressed or some toxic cocktail of all four.

 

[heyheyhey]

Speaking as someone who worked in mental health - you get many, many people coming to you who are dealing with all kinds of pain. You try to stay kind and helpful - but it;s not within your capacity sadly to be able to do that all the time, perfectly. A lot of the time you can only do your best and you do have to keep your walls up sometimes, because otherwise it can really destroy you. I guess people can only do much and if they are kind then maybe that's sometimes good enough? Just for that person.

Like I've never met anyone that fully gets it - not even may best friend or boyfriend, pipe can only get it by percentages and help you by percentages, so sadly we can't hope and wait for them to get it but only learn to live with what we get and learn as much as possible to give ourselves the comfort and kindness and understanding that we cannot find in other people. It's not necessarily a bad thing, I think it's about trying a much as possible to accept thing as they are and to forgive people for being human, like we are.

Ugh excuse my typos lol!