Peoples Misunderstanding Of Ptsd

[WillyKat]

Well said Loner! Change a couple of things in a persons life, isolate them, give them flawed parents, add some trauma, some more isolation, a few slaps in the face and there but for the grace of Dog go I.

 

[Eleanor]

Coincidentally my husband called this AM and said "You should watch West Wing season 2 episode 10 - it nails PTSD." The episode is called Noel. It is pretty interesting. I also found (after watching it) this blog
http://www.tor.com/blogs/2009/09/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-in-fiction-part-3

Which seems pretty interesting. I only read the entry on this episode, but it is pretty good.

Some hope...

 

[Tanishq]

I have been thinking on this thread. So many people has shared helpful opinions. It has taught me the meaning of education.

You can meet many people who will tell you they are educated, but in reality they even don't know what they understood and how to speak about it and go for its application.

Thank you everyone. You all are best educated people. Keep spreading education. I and this world is in badly need of it.

 

[Hashi]

I can't agree with what some people have said about looking shocked or giving a slightly sarcastic answer. Only because it could be misunderstood or ignored and there's enough misunderstanding and ignorance already. If I told someone I saw a UFO over my house and they looked shocked, from the point of view of someone who thinks a UFO was over my house I'd probably interpret that as confirmation that this was, indeed, a significant and possibly dangerous event. If they said something a bit sarcastic, I might stop talking to them but I'd probably still believe in the UFO myself.

I think the best approach is to say nothing or to say something that's calm and clear. And, as other people have said, to choose wisely who you tell in the first place.

I think it's also worth thinking about why you want to tell. Do you need to? If you're doing it because you want understanding, is it realistic to expect that? If you're doing it by way of an explanation for something, do you need to explain, or do you need to explain in that much detail?

 

[Anna]

I agree with what you say Hashi. I didn't tell the person anything about how or why. I just told them I had PTSD. Never spoke of it again. I trusted them, I have known them for over 4 years. Now I am left feeling like an idiot, rolling eyes that the trust was broken AGAIN, I am angry with myself more than anything for letting someone that close to me. It is a mistake I will never make again.

It is like if you tell someone you have say diabetes, you don't tell them how (for example genetic, not eating properly etc.) You just tell them you have it, then one day they make a dumb comment about diabetes.

This person I spent nearly every day with for the past year talking and talking. I let them in and trusted them. I thought that they were different, but I was wrong.

I will get over it. It just makes me sad that at the end of the day, you cannot trust anyone. That is the way it is, in my life anyway.

 

[WillyKat]

Anna, I'm not in a position to know how this particular person feels or what they think. But it is often the case the people simply don't know how to respond appropriately, they don't know what you need to hear. They may also be deeply troubled or even afraid of what you are saying. As a result, they say exactly the wrong thing because that's the first thing that pops into their head.

It's even possible that they have issues that they have a hard time coping with, and say something, anything to cut off *their own* thoughts about the subject. They switch to defense mode and want to run away. And in that case, you may be cutting off someone that could be a source of mutual support.

We perceive their action as a breach of trust, as abandonment, as a betrayal. It may not be that; it may be just ignorance. And I mean "ignorance" in the dictionary sense, that they just don't know.

I say this because I've been in exactly the same frame of mind you are right now.

My advice would be to not jump to the conclusion that you can never trust again, or let someone get close to you again. Moreover, don't be too quick to abandon a friendship that you put so much effort into. Maybe you *do* need to cut ties, but make sure you're certain there's a breach of trust and not a misunderstanding.

See, the people that abuse us like us to be isolated and alone. Be careful about cutting someone off.

 

[Eleanor]

Anna, let me say I am NOT saying whether you should or should not write this person off. Clearly I don't know them at all and don't have any direct experience to judge on. No doubt you have a lot of other reasons for writing this person off as well.

That said: Apparently this person IS woefully ignorant of PTSD and mental illness generally. While it is most certainly NOT your job to educate her (for convenience, "her") it is also kind of unfair to revise an assessment of "compassionate and trustworthy" about a person based on her ignorance of something a lot of people have little basis to understand, and most of that bad. I am sorry that You "feel stupid" and "like an idiot" because of her ignorance. It strikes me that there is something ... a bit backwards about that. Shouldn't you judge her stupid? Apart from ignorance (and wanting to be generically helpful, if ham-handedly so with someone else) what did she do to betray your trust? How has she demonstrated that she does not care about you? What kind of "different" did you have in mind?

I say these things and ask these questions not because I think you are in error, but because I worry that you might be, and losing a friend (even a misinformed and ignorant one) is a real loss - particularly when trust is so hard to come by. I might mention, here, my best friend. She is a very strict and conservative Christian (or was) and she (didn't) believe in divorce. So when I announced at coffee one day that I was just done with my husband and getting a divorce, she was both shocked and disapproving... but she loved ME and trusted ME and who I am enough to decide to ride it out and support me. As it turns out she got to the same "done" place with her husband (in much more complicated circumstances) several years later. She told me that "I didn't have any idea what you meant when you told me you were just "done" back then. I didn't really think you were doing the right thing. But now I understand." Wow.

There are people worth trusting in the world. And you deserve to have them in your life. Sometimes, tho, you gotta give them a chance to catch up.

If you haven't talked to your friend about this in a direct and non-confrontation way, I think you might owe it to yourself to do so.

Also, (full disclosure) I suspect I make dumb comments on a quasi regular basis. (I teach and it is amazing to me how often "wrong" things come out of my mouth.) And I guess I think you could go a little easier on us.:notworthy:.

 

[Finding Shawna]

I've also experienced a lot of other people in my life having no understanding of mental illness or of suicide. Many have told me things like, "You just need to get over it," and, "If you stop moping and feeling sorry for yourself so much, you wouldn't be depressed," and, "You aren't depressed, you're just lazy." And many other things.

This has always been my family's response. The thing is, my family doesn't know half of what I've been through. I have trouble telling them, because the first thing I hear is "I really don't want to hear this" and some how it would end up being something I did that caused these things to happen.
A quote I like: "Crazy can be medicated, Ignorance can be educated, But there is no cure for Stupid"

 

[shoulderblades]

This has always been my family's response. The thing is, my family doesn't know half of what I've been through. I have trouble telling them, because the first thing I hear is "I really don't want to hear this" and some how it would end up being something I did that caused these things to happen.

Oh wow, this is exactly how my family responded any time I tried to tell them things that have happened to me. They responded like that when I tried to tell them about being sexually abused and gang molested when I was 3-and-a-half years-old. There was also a lot of shouting and "you're making that up for attention" and other such horrible remarks, but yes - "I really don't want to hear it" was the base attitude.

*hugs* if you want them.

And yes. There is NO cure for stupid. To quote Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

 

[Tanishq]

"I really don't want to hear this"

When people tell something like this, believe me it tells about them a lot.

 

[Hashi]

I didn't tell the person anything about how or why. I just told them I had PTSD.

I think that's one problem with telling anyone anything - people generally have little understanding of PTSD, so without educating them or giving more detail they're unlikely to fully know what you mean. If I tell someone I have any condition they'd heard of but aren't very familiar with, they may well come out with some nonsense about it. Unfortunately, with a psychological condition the nonsense is likely to feel hurtful.

What I meant by how much detail, which I realise was ambiguous, was whether I need to say "I have PTSD" or to say, for example, that I have anxiety about doing X. It depends on my reason for wanting to tell them. The two people I've confided the most in, I only said that I was recovering from trauma and (at that time) had nightmares, anxiety and other symptoms. That way, I'm describing my experience of it. I never like using labels anyway. Even here on this site, people understand them differently - trigger, panic etc.

I agree with WillyKat and Eleanor. I can see the disappointment at your friend's words and lack of understanding or support, also the regret of telling. At the same time I'm not sure that I would see this as a trust issue. As far as I can tell, they've been themselves consistently and have not been deceiving you or doing things that were insincere to make you believe they would react differently - or have I understood wrongly? (I know you had been talking for a long time and maybe felt close over other things, but had they given you a false idea that they were sympathetic and understanding about mental health issues?)

I'm saying this not to challenge or criticise you, in fact I think you're being much too hard on yourself over this. I don't think you have been an "idiot" in any way, I think it's just an experience to take something from.

I hope that the experience doesn't make you decide you'll never get close to anyone again. Some friendships have boundaries - there are areas where we're comfortable with someone, and areas of having different viewpoints and we either live with that or leave the friendship. With other friendships, we may feel much more open about everything (I think it's still a good idea to test the waters before talking about something new that's very important to us). I have no idea if this is a friendship worth saving, but that doesn't affect the possibility of other friendships which are worthwhile.

It just makes me sad that at the end of the day, you cannot trust anyone. That is the way it is, in my life anyway.

I think it's more, in anybody's life, that you can't trust everyone. It's about reading the signs as to who you can trust with what. I'm sorry that you had such a bad experience with this person.

 

[Anna]

At the same time I'm not sure that I would see this as a trust issue. As far as I can tell, they've been themselves consistently and have not been deceiving you or doing things that were insincere to make you believe they would react differently - or have I understood wrongly? (I know you had been talking for a long time and maybe felt close over other things, but had they given you a false idea that they were sympathetic and understanding about mental health issues?)

Wise words. I agree, it is just ignorance that caused their reaction.

In other ways, no trust issue has been broken, in fact they have not discussed anything with anyone about me and they have helped me out on several occasions.

I want to keep their friendship. Deep down this person is a very good friend, they just have no idea about mental health, and maybe I expected too much of them.