Performance Review (pip), Stress, Trauma, Overwhelming

[Cinnamon4z]

This trauma PTSD crap is so horrible and draining. I feel robbed and violated on so many levels and I can't even safely express this to others- my dad doesnt really understand nor apparently care to.

And I am not even sure how to bring it up at work.

This might be a bit long but i need to get this out there. So shortly a couple of months after I started my job at my current company 2 years ago (2014), I was rear ended on my way to work. I tried to push through it (i had to as i have bills to pay, and was really living by myself and barely even begun working on the project i was on at the time) I ended up in the hospital and having to take disability leave for some months. I could hardly even walk at all! And could not climb stairs at all. And was in pain everywhere from head to toe as well as various other very intimate symptoms....

After i finally able return to work, i realized was quite traumatized from the whole mess of the car crash & aftermath and showed more and more PTSD symptoms (i had some initial symptoms and some panic attacks and such shortly following the crash but i pushed it aside as i was in too much pain & anguish to deal with it then). I have been going to therapy for couple years now. I got rolled off of my previous project and then started a new project last year in 2015.

I thought I was generally able to kinda handle work and hiding my ptsd crap among other things but the past couple of months have been total anguish and it really kinda seems like my work "performance" is being negatively effected.

At the end of September, I planned on going to a lakehouse trip with friends to sort of chill out, destress, relax and refresh myself. But just before the trip, I got in a car crash and things have really been downhill rapidly since. The crash left me very very on edge, panicky, triggered- flooded with flashbacks and such all day. I ended up calling the crisis hotline and was feeling quite depressed and overwhelmed - the person on the other end just called the cops on me. And the cops just threw me in a mental hospital where i was left for a week.

Now I am left trying to foot the medical bills, and everything- and i have to find new auto insurance since my previous one dropped me due to the accident. And I really felt my work performance kinda degrade a lot more as i was more and more overwhelmed by not only work deadlines and issues but family stress, and more flashbacks - and my father also want to sell the family home next spring where i grew up my entire life in. It is too much for me alone to handle but it puts a lot of pressure on me. I feel I become more foggy headed, have trouble concentrating or remembering details. And I feel more and more mentally, emotionally and physically drained especially due to all the panic attacks.

My manager put me on a "performance improvement plan" claiming he wants to 'help me improve my performance'- but it seems more and more like he just wants to 'cover his rear' as he boots me out the door beginning next year.

I have hid my condition from work but I am not sure how i can bring it up to help him understand and maybe seek some appropriate accommodations.

On friday (thankfully my project allow us to work from home on fridays), during one of the "weekly performance reviews" he has me setup, my manager spent an hour long(supposed to be only half hour meeting) just grilling me about all the various aspects of my projects, tasks and efforts throughout the week - critiquing pretty much all the items and tasks even though I tried to improve myself at work greatly over the past couple of weeks. My mind became extremely foggy minded and empty as I became more anxious and depressed when he raised each point against me.

He just says "you need to be more thorough and communicate more about the risks & issues of your tasks" - even though i have sent him emails regarding issues & risks arising for my tasks the past week. And I made only maybe one or two very minor copy & paste errors when I was under so much workload to complete everything.

After that meeting I was extremely panicky and had a difficult time working the rest of the day and wrapping up my tasks & duties. I ended up like having a panic attack around 3 or 4pm when i just had so much trouble wrapping up a simple testing. My mind was totally frazzled!

And when i returned my manager phone call like an hour later, he was like "where were you and is everything ok?" I wanted to tell him that I just had a panic attack and all my ptsd stuff right there
but instead tried to hide it and say im fine just some personal emergency. I asked him some pointers for doing the testing gathering the test data and such. He just told me "I told you last week several things do you remember?" I couldn't recall at the time as my mind was just exhausted.

How can I approach my manager about my situation and condition? I am not sure I can save my job now- and its all my fault - and I need the job and medical insurance in order to be able to afford my T, meds and treatments etc. and pay my bills.

 

[saraemerald]

First off, it's not your fault you have PTSD and it's not your fault you got into a car crash that physically hurt you badly. Also, it's not your fault that now it is more difficult for you to accomplish what is required at work. And this all totally sucks!
Can you come out candidly to your manager about your situation and see if there is anything to be done? Can you get some sort of doctor note that states that you may temporarily be limited to certain tasks until you are able to appropriately heal? Is there any such thing as temporary assistance to help you financially until you get back on your feet? And is there ANYONE in you life that is a normal, loving human being and friend that might be able to help you out in any sort of way?
Hugs and love. Sorry you are having such a hard time. Life sucks sometimes.

 

[GrayOwl]

Hi.
The whole work/insurance/stress/honesty/performance thing really sucks.
Our mental and physical health is held ransom to the stressor that kills us.
I keep my job for one reason. Insurance.

I have what I suppose is an almost insane focus on just surviving each shift.
Luckily, my company has a program in which I can work 15 hours a week and keep benefits.
I have reduced my hours to about 20 a week and found ways to produce income around working those 20 hours per week.

Unfortunately, my ptsd was work induced and I am in the event/trigger inducing space during those 20 hours.
I have learned how to endure incredible stress, with minimal disruption to my mental state through immense application of self discipline and strong coping mechanisms. Without insurance, my injuries and mental state would kill me.
I log on here often and gain strength from what is here. I keep in contact with peers and support group members daily.
My spiritual and mental health dictate my ability to function - so keeping those fit are tantamount to being able to cope and survive.

So....... back to your post. About you.
I only offer thoughts based on my experiences. Your life, your decisions.
If insurance is critical, keeping the job and maybe job performance is too?
You are not hiding your performance issues from the company. Obviously.
But you are hiding your ptsd issues. Why? They are the root cause of your dysfunction?
You are getting counselling and working on them? Without knowledge of your problem, your workmates and supervisor have little choice but to think you aren't a very good worker? You're not giving them any information to go on.
Possibly look at changing workplaces or careers? I have found a second, part time job that I am trying to work into full time over the next year. It would offer me insurance if I worked 30 hours a week or more. They seem to like me and I do a good job. I am enthusiastic about it because there are no ptsd stressors there, I really enjoy it, and the change would allow me to grow and heal.
So maybe you could look at some areas outside of your current work environment or field. The first reaction is no, but maybe think outside the box.

My strongest thought though is that your current employer cannot help you through problems that they know nothing about and that you do not share with them. Not all employers will be supportive though, so you will have to make that decision. But if you're under review already and maybe headed out the door, what could it hurt?

Also, be forgiving of yourself. We set high goals and ideals for ourselves. Trauma and injury take a heavy toll on our bodies and mind, and sometimes we don't recover and become the type "A" go getter that we once were. Sometimes the person that emerges is a little slower and more mature in other ways - and the same pace and goals don't hold the same enthusiasm that they once did. Usually that is a really good thing - society dictates too much - and a slower, kinder pace and being good to ourselves is what we needed all along.

Sounds like other change in your life too. Actually, a lot. It is disorientating. And it hurts. It can really hurt like hell. Time does heal. ( I hate that phrase.) But it does. My childhood home is sitting in disrepair. The fields are torn up for subdivisions or all grown up with trees that make it look foreign. I lomg for the good old days. And that's what they are. Good memories. It can be so damn hard to let go and move on. So I need to find positives in today's world - today's life - and pursue them. I'll make a phone call or get involved in service work. May I suggest that? Best therapy in the world !!! Call somebody or get involved in helping somebody else.

"You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you."
I like that phrase. A lot of truth in that.

Lastly. Be kind to yourself. Take a vacation, a long weekend, some nice breaks.
A movie with a friend. Dinner out. A bowl of ice cream. Treat yourself well. You deserve it. Life is meant to be enjoyed and you are stressing way too much. Lighten the load a little when you can. That may help you be more enthusiastic about work. It might show in your performance. Remember, you've been in this downward spiral at work for a while now it sounds like - and you have passed that perception on to them it sounds like. Your job is to change that perception in them. It sounds like you have done a lot of the right things and good things. But maybe tell the boss about your ptsd state and recovery and reinforce the positives. Don't run to him with only negatives - interact with the things that you think you can and are positively doing to get your performance back closer to where you all would like it to be.

I wish you the best. This is a tough place to be but things can work out for the best.