Perspective Please

[samson]

Hi everyone. I'm struggling a bit on my journey. Had a bad panic attack a couple of weeks ago at work and I feel like it has set me back. My T and I have spent two sessions now just talking about the fallout at work and trying to stabilize. I started Zoloft because of the incident and I'm only 2 1/2 weeks into my adjustment period on that.

So on Monday when I finished my therapy session I said that I felt like this was a waste of time today. Not because he wasn't helpful, I just get frustrated when I am not able to work on the trauma issues and make progress. He sort of chuckled and told me to have a good thanksgiving. Well, I felt bad about saying that so I called and left him a voice mail apologizing and telling him that I actually did feel better about the situation we discussed and I appreciated the advice.

On Tuesday evening he called to let me know that he had a 9:30 slot open on Wednesday if I wanted to take it. I was pretty flustered and said I only had one more day in my work week to get everything done. He responded that he knew I wasn't exactly happy with the way the last session ended and he just wanted to check in on me. I stammered around that everything was okay and thanked him for offering the slot to me.

That was all very positive, but I feel terrible about it. I feel like I may have hurt his feelings with what I said. His tone was very upbeat and caring. I just feel like a jerk.

Any comments?

 

[Chrissyy]

I doubt that he will have taken any of it personally, he's a T so he deals with a lot of people when their emotions are running high. I think he genuinely was just checking in to make sure everything was okay with you after the last session, I wouldn't worry about it.

 

[saffy]

Hi Samson

He doesn't sound like he is upset or worried about it at all. I would say he was more concerned with how you are. You really have not done anything wrong to make him feel hurt or anything else negative. I think it could be because of how you are feeling at the moment, things might feel much more intense and this might be the reaction.

You may feel like you have let him down somehow, but this is only by your own rating. His behaviour certainly doesn't show that he has been let down or hurt at all.

There will be no harm done if you say next time he called that you feel that you have hurt him in someway. He can then discuss this issue properly and put your mind at rest. :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[samson]

Thank you so much for the response. You are right. I'm feeling really foggy today. I hate those kind of days and weeks.

 

[piratelady]

I went through something similar. Where my therapy sessions were monopolized largely with stress at my work. It was actually good to talk about that though. We were able to work more on my coping skills which will help me work on the trauma.

I wouldn't feel bad about feeling frustrated or worry about your therapist taking it personally. As was said above, they are trained to deal with people dealing with frustrating emotions. It is what they are there for. The important thing is to be open and honest about how you feel so you can work on that together. I am sure your therapist wants to make sure he is helping you in the best possible way.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I would not worry about it unless you want to. I think he genuinely cares about you and sees and hears you. I think this is wonderful. He went out of his way for you. He is a person who will help you for sure. I am happy for you. Please do not feel bad. I know easier said than done. Big hugs.

 

[samson]

Thanks for sharing that piratelady. I get really focused on getting an end result from the trauma therapy and forget that he's also here to help me through the present. I need to relax and take the pressure off of myself. I get in a hurry to be "done with this" and move on in my new happy life. :)

 

[TeaLeaf]

My therapist always says its her job to meet me where I am and deal with whatever comes up. The first time I got really angry with my therapist, she was actually glad that I was able to get angry and talk about it instead of stuffing it down. She did not tell me this when I was really angry of course, it was later when I calmed down and we processed things. It was a sign to her that I was feeling my emotions and working through them.

I agree with what saffy said about speaking about it with your therapist next time you see or talk to him.

 

[saffy]

Hi Tealeaf

I agree with letting things out. It really helps if it is in a safe and supportive environment. Hearing your own thoughts aloud can sometimes really help sort out a lot of mixed feelings. I find bottling up causes tension and conflict within yourself as your thoughts are all over the place nothing makes sense.

I believe a lot of people who mistrust their therapist or feel they cannot let loose is fear of reaction and feeling unsafe if they do. Others find that their therapist is the perfect person to let everything out because they are listening without judgement and with empathy. OR at least they should if they were trained properly.

I have heard that there are a lot of 'guru's or unqualified therapists in the USA because you do not need to be regulated to practise? This could be wrong though of course, please say if it is :)

I really try hard not to bottle things now as I find it really is like taking the weight of my shoulders. :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Lucycat]

I agree with what the others have said already. He sounds like a good T. I suspect he will have seen it as a positive step that you did not need to take the slot. You were able to prioritize that time and work was first.

Keep hold of him and don't let him go! - well, at least until you don't need him any more;)

 

[samson]

This has been a fabulous and reassuring discussion. Thank you all so much!

Yesterday's session was very emotional. Lots of crying during emdr as childhood memories came up. Towards the end everything kind of faded away and I felt numb. I told him I had a lump in my throat and he always wants to know what feelings that represents. Any time I feel angry I shut down and he tries to push me to say words. I hate it when he does that. I know it's his job and he is not trying to hurt me, but I just get angrier when he pushes me like that. He doesn't do it very often. I think he has been babying me since my panic attack (5 weeks ago), but yesterday we were back in business. :)

Tealeaf - do you struggle with expressing anger? My T says i do not have internal permission to be angry and I have stuffed it down my whole life and allowed others to hurt me because of it.

 

[Abstract]

Samson,
If expressing anger is a problem for you (it has been for me) expressing it in T can be an extremely important step and one your t will aim for. My T's have pushed me a lot with this and the last long term one said it can be a sign of trust between people to be able to express anger or frustration. I am now mostly able to connect to my anger when I feel it.

Learning to trust that our T's can speak for themselves and protect themselves can be a great step too. I think it comes from being blamed in childhood for others feelings.

Well done for your progress. :)