Pieces

[Chava]

Feels like I'm pulling apart into more pieces than coming together. Is this supposed to happen?! Too many losses, which I had little or no control over, and just feeling lost. Part of me is gaining clarity, but is a the level of WTF?! and I don't know what to do about anything. And not enough words in therapy and even feeling like I'm separating pieces of myself to not bug my therapist but be a sort of different person who is less f#%ed up. And so the f#%ed up self is lost (so just wants to burn myself or something). And I'm becoming like an exercise addict to invent a new version of myself which is stronger (I don't have DID or BPD but obviously problems containing myself as a whole versus separated into parts which feel less messy or unacceptable or difficult or alone...more when stressed or in pain or weird sh#t going on in my body and/or I don't trust anyone or feel really disconnected).

I don't think any of this is even new, but just recognizing it is pretty overwhelming. I'm going to put on good music and work out...or some mixture of things that require parts of body/mind/spirit..stuff that helps with feelings of connection or whatever. And trying to accept that I feel like I'm in pieces, but somewhere I am a whole person...not like something I don't or can't have, just a feeling I can't access well...and makes all my other goals nearly impossible (like trying to connect with other people...yuck). Angry is jumbled with wanting to be still and quiet...wanting to take care of my life is jumbled with wanting to get the hell out of my body. So smaller, focused compartments seem to keep things manageable. It was easier when I could over-work without physical side effects...because probably everything that feels unmanageable now was contained through that busy-ness and focus, which was very easy because I like my work.

Sorry if this is a rambling pile of nonsense (that's what it feels like). I'm trying to make a visual in my head of a self that is connected just loosely, and how certain places are just safer, but it's all connected and I'm a whole, real person. Probably has something to do with not feel like a whole or real person in any relationship...it's never safe, so I bring the parts or versions that seem to work best. Not different personalities, just reserving most of myself and never really getting to know anyone or letting them know me and I can't really change that because that part feels badly broken...so trying to find something closer to wholeness in spite of it. And maybe the relationship stuff gets better or more real if I find that. What, am I still talking??

 

[littlelostchild]

What is resonating with me is compartmentalization, which I totally do. I am hearing you talking about different compartments of yourself opening and closing, maybe?

For me, I can only handle certain compartments open together, or a certain number open before I begin to feel overwhelmed. There are compartments that seem to be rusted shut.

When I was working, being busy was my sanctuary, but everything eventually caught up to me.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I hope it makes you feel better to know that I relate to everything you said. And I followed your logic. Being dissociative, by definition, is the absence of an integrated thought and memory to link it to. So we are like free radical ions traveling through space without the electron that has the GPS.

I can stare at the floor in therapy and clearly see that I am fragments disconnected. I calm myself by creating the vision of myself at a lake and all my pieces are sparkling orbs on the surface of the lake. Out of touch, but I can see them. In my vision it's a sunny day and warm with dragonflies everywhere and I suddenly realize that my pieces, the fragments of the genuine me are safe on the water and I am safe on shore. One day I will reach out and reorganize them. I need to feel safe and I need a sense of humour.

I have a lot of social anxiety I don't know what aspect of my personality is the piece that connects to people on a deeper level than just a howdy-do. So I isolate.

I'm not giving up though I think with the right therapist ( who I think mine is great) I can make progress and integrate my fractured personality into one whole piece. I think about the chakras. They each spin at a unique frequency yet they are in tune. In a healthy person, that is.
And on it goes. Keep on moving forward it gets rocky at times but don't you feel like you're more aware now than you used to be? That's a good start.

 

[Chava]

@littlelostchild thank you for responding...some rusted closed parts makes sense to me. The busy-sanctuary isn't working for me either, but I keep trying to re-create it in different ways, unwittingly, and then feeling stupid...like I'm just wasting my self and time...

@KwanYingirl thank you. Visualization seems helpful for me, too. What is sad is seeing my genuine self from the past only in moments I was totally alone...and yet that should make being alone less scary now, I'd think. ?? I do think being more aware is probably helpful, but in some ways it's more over-whelming. I can feel hopeful, then feel like I'm too broken to fix. Or it can help me clarify a goal...or when feeling unclear but aware of the mess, I wish I could return to some kind of oblivion...(just remind myself that never worked well either).

There have been places are connections where I felt like more of myself could be present...and that felt really good, I felt almost natural. But because of different circumstances, those are gone and I don't know how to replace them. I'm sort of baffled that I feel like I just backslide by miles into my messed up abyss...that I haven't grown out of it, but it's still here....that my "self" is so fragile without those key places where I felt like I existed. Finding that everywhere seems unrealistic (sort of a Buddhist or otherwise spiritual goal I suppose, where I am at home everywhere). But just finding it more often would be good. It's also hard to do therapy because I don't feel like I have solid safe spaces to pull myself back together. I try to build my own "resources" but realize I'm just creating more compartments and in some ways further detaching. I fear I'll unravel until I turn into dust.

 

[Chava]

I think today my compartments aren't working and that's the scary part...I'm just stuck feeling really sh*tty, aware of all of these pieces, and helpless to change (that sounds more pathetic than it probably is...I have tried to figure out all kinds of options and either I fail or the options aren't available). Like I just want to go back to neat versions of everything and not all the bleeding together in the wrong ways, where everything feels poisoned by my sh*tty non-self.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Can you describe your shitty non-self? I don't understand that. I understand wanting to go back to the neat little compartments we have but who is this non- self? Is that someone you can't work with?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Is it possible that you have an excessive amount of adrenaline coursing through your brain and body?

 

[Chava]

It's the self that I have when not funneled into any frenzy or activity. Totally empty sometimes. And instead of just realizing this about myself, I feel like I'm taking that part of me further into the things I did do well...I'm unapproachable, today I did not want to leave my house (and I guess it was beautiful outside). And not to have a pity party, but it's not a self anyone cares about. It's just what I showed up with. Sometimes I can be really spiritual, but that's usually like la-la land disconnected. That doesn't work for me anymore, and even if it was a little detached or dissociated, it at least felt nicer. I want to get stronger or die. Nothing really in between because everything in between isn't working because of the pull of extremes. I'm chain-smoking and exercising. Like which one is it...take care of my body or destroy it?

Yes, I think an overdose of adrenaline. I left my therapist's in a messed up, spaced-out state and I don't want to leave my house. I don't trust anyone and am piling thoughts in my head about how bad my whole adulthood has been, so much failure. And I think I'm healthy enough to imagine a future, and that's actually worse, because I have to imagine it will go on like this. I used to not believe in a future...then I could at least live recklessly without guilt or fear. Now I'm taking care of myself even though I have to fight against the part of myself that still thinks I'm a piece of sh#t. Yes, adrenaline........o3joaiwursfawjf; j[;[ j thanks @KwanYingirl

 

[Chava]

All I am resolving is that I am a piece of sh*t

 

[KwanYingirl]

You have to collect some self esteem chips. Every time you comfort someone, that's chips. When you comfort yourself that's more chips,etc. building up self esteem and having PTSD is wicked hard, but I think it's essential in order to see ourselves as worthwhile citizens and not a piece of s#%t. Safety, self esteem, intimacy and trust get crushed by the events that led to PTSD. Any progress you make in those areas will help you to feel better about yourself.

 

[Chava]

AA meeting helpful (I'm way sober, but should go more often)...supporting others, being supported. Yes, I suck at safety, self esteem, intimacy, trust. It's mostly okay, most of the time, but when it's bad, it's so bad. I think I was running on fight energy, feeling alone with it, and falling into patterns of wanting to give up (I also suck at suicide attempts, so it's always more like I just let my health fall apart...but I catch myself more quickly these days, except for the physical pain stuff). Using some easy yoga as a way to "give up" my fight a little, hopefully in a more positive way....like set a timer at stop fighting for 15 minutes (and it does take the edge off, so even allowing the fight to return, it's not quite as painful). I think I need that structure because it's sometimes really useless to tell myself to just calm down.

I feel like I ran through 600 topics here. Thanks again @KwanYingirl for following my train of thought/madness for a bit. Helpful to not feel "alone" and fighting (helplessness, a big trigger)

 

[KwanYingirl]

Anytime Chava you're on the right track. I'm a friend of Bills too. I rarely go to meetings but they are helpful.