Piecing things together

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
I mean no offense but are different parts writing posts or at least influencing them? You sure do flip flop back and forth and all over the place from one post to the next.

You sound so unsure of what you want . Maybe the best thing to do for now is focusing on yourself and not make any major decisions for a set amount of time? As you work on yourself your answers will more naturally come to you I think. It will make the whole process easier for you.

I mean,of course you are free to do whatever you choose. But it sounds like,as an outsider, that you could really use some time to figure things out for yourself . Not what he should or shouldn't do,not what he wants or doesn't want,not anything dependent on him, but YOU.

I feel your inner struggle in your posts. Maybe that's what needs to be worked on first and foremost?
The answer to your first question is probably yes. Either parts or attachment stuff. Twice since last night after husband and I turned toward each other again I have had questions for him that are basically part of my mind thinking he's doing something wrong or hiding something from me which is part of how the distancing part of my attachment bs shows up.

There's a lot of valid reasons to end it and also a lot of valid reasons not to. I've been torn like this almost from the beginning of the relationship and although I haven't had many relationships this is the only one that has been like that. I only dated one other person since my first long round of trauma therapy with EMDR which totally changed how I experience my emotions and made me more grounded than I was before, better able to receive care than before, but deep down my model for receiving care is abusive so I really really struggle with just accepting care.

And it's complicated by the fact that some of these justifications are true. He cares for me and also makes my life really hard.

The only other relationship I have had since the EMDR I noticed some abandonment issues that had never been there before (bc I'd been numb to it, one of my criterion A events), where I had anxious attachment style protesting but was still also avoidant in some ways. Very capricious and labile. Everyone "normal" had an entire adolescence to figure out how to deal with emotions. I was suddenly learning how at like 26.

I think I've been stuck in a touch point on my healing journey and there's many more layers to get through but I haven't found a good fit, and my husband's actual life has been crazy so it's been hard to find a time where there is enough stability with him going to jail for months, losing jobs, driving my car into someone's house (all that happened within like 3 months).

I think you're right that waiting to make any big decisions is a good idea but I've also been swinging like this for years. My therapist told me I can't do my deeper work while my current life is chaotic so something needs to get adjusted. Him not living with me is the easiest way to be sure our bad habits won't thwart my treatment. Him not working is annoying and limits us but we have enough to get by. The social consequences of his legal issues are mostly just a potential right now, and annoying but not critically urgent and immediately impactful. Our communication problems, my shifting perspective and the acting out I still do from it and the impact those things have had on his ability to meet my emotional needs is an area of my present life that is likely to screw with my trauma therapy. I'm not sure what to do so I'll just ask my new therapist how she thinks I should proceed.

It's possible that we can work on integration and I'll have a better idea of what my system wants for me, what's unfounded fear based on the past vs logical and valid vs logical but unlikely, and maybe I'll reconcile the inability I have had to follow through on ending it if that's the route that I truly need to take.

I'm not offended at all. It's awful being inside my own mind where I change what I want so often. And we all have blind spots. If I'm thinking from a dysfunctional place I won't always see it clearly. So on the contrary, thank you for saying what you said.
 
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JadeB.

MyPTSD Pro
Well I'm glad you weren't offended by what I said.

I agree that you should probably ask your therapist how to proceed. It's a tricky decision, trauma work is too difficult when home life isn't stable. But then again living apart might be unstable too with different parts wanting different things. I'm sure there's parts that are attached to him,otherwise you probably would have left a long time ago. Your therapist will know what's best.

I wish you well with all of it. I will be checking in to read of your progress.
 

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
Saw the psychiatrist. For some reason I decided to be a little more honest with her about my relationship issues and how I am starting therapy for it. I mentioned dissociation. My system is mad at me for telling her about it. I didn't tell her the extent of it by any means. But we wish we hadn't disclosed.
 

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
One of my parts was out during work today that isn't usually in the work space and they didn't know any of the knowledge or skills needed and it was so hard to do anything so I asked a dissociative group for advice and was suggested to ask the Gatekeeper for help and it really was that simple.

I will need to find some time to bring them out. The rules used to be "no interfering with work" and "no activity during parenting unless a specific skill set is appropriate" (like social me if at a playdate). But they aren't following those rules so well the last couple of weeks. I suspect some of this is starting therapy, paying better attention, but we still need to follow the rules because we still need to function. But, it will be harder for them to listen if they aren't getting space in other times.

So I guess I need to carve out time each evening to talk to myself.
 

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
Therapy tomorrow. I hope I have my voice back by then. I'm pretty sure what happened here is relationship stress > lowered immune function > catch my son's daycare cold > travel > feeling safe for once then almost immediately unsafe (bc my partner acts so different around extended family) > increased stress response > autoimmune flare plus worsening cold symptoms including laryngitis.

I have had a lot of ups and downs in this marriage but never has it led to me feeling this run down for this long and having to take off work or cancel my side gig stuff so many times.

I feel like the stress of my relationship is killing me.

Last night we chilled most of the evening, everything felt basically safe. I took a bath, came to the living room and there was a huge mess from nothing getting out away all day. So I slowly started to tidy it. And he leaves the room. I tried to discuss this with him calmly and explain when you leave when I am cleaning I feel like you expect me to be responsible for cleaning by myself. He left because I had "manic energy" (I did not). We had some back and forth and finally I said if you don't want things to be a big deal then use your words. State your feelings about your experience and what it is you need. I don't want to be accommodated constantly and then you act like I'm selfish when you didn't advocate for yourself. You could have said "I'm feeling nervous with how you're cleaning right now, can this happen another time?"

Instead he disappeared which is what he does whenever there is a conflict he doesn't want to deal with. Then he wonders why I say it's a triggering behavior. Add in the subtext of "she's cleaning well better leave her to it knowwhatimean fellas?" I am picking I did not get dysregulated.

He gets ranty and raises his voice even as I am calm. I do repeat myself some, and I listen but not in a way he wants me to consistently because I'm so busy managing my own emotions and behavior.

And I was up until like 2am despite being sick and needing to rest because he yelled at me about this when he's the one that made it a thing by not communicating.

And it just feels so hard. When we are around my stepdaughters he treats me so much better and is easier to be around. But we don't live with them. We return to just us and it takes basically nothing for him to yell, storm off, ignore me, etc. And here I am trying to maybe save the relationship. Why? I feel like this relationship is killing me. He's got so many bad habits.

I just don't want to feel like shit. I don't want my marriage to be so stressful. I was worried lately about how I'd parent my kid if my spouse moves out because I'm mostly fine, it's mostly fine, but what if I am more symptomatic and use the tv as a babysitter. Not the end of the world but not ideal. So I was thinking dad should be around because dad fills in the gaps. But dad being around is also making me so sick I can't parent at all.

I'm just so f*cking exhausted. I want to snap my fingers and have a partner that communicates decently, owns their own bs, doesn't blame and judge, acts safe, doesn't yell, has a job, etc.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
Does he care for your son during all the hours you're working @HealingMama ? Maybe he too is stressed and burnt out? Generally speaking, no matter what the condition disability has a high threshold. But any extra income is still helpful, right? Or perhaps medication?
I mean no offense but are different parts writing posts or at least influencing them? You sure do flip flop back and forth and all over the place from one post to the next.

You sound so unsure of what you want . Maybe the best thing to do for now is focusing on yourself and not make any major decisions for a set amount of time? As you work on yourself your answers will more naturally come to you I think. It will make the whole process easier for you.

I mean,of course you are free to do whatever you choose. But it sounds like,as an outsider, that you could really use some time to figure things out for yourself . Not what he should or shouldn't do,not what he wants or doesn't want,not anything dependent on him, but YOU.

I feel your inner struggle in your posts. Maybe that's what needs to be worked on first and foremost?
Yeah....you don't need a counselor for "us".....you need a counselor for "you." Relationship basics: You have to trust your partner. If they lie, multiple times, it is not you that is creating the trust issues.....and lying is just plain unaccpetable in any relationship. Moreover, your child will learn to lie to you watching him - your child deserves better and so do you.
 

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
Yeah....you don't need a counselor for "us".....you need a counselor for "you." Relationship basics: You have to trust your partner. If they lie, multiple times, it is not you that is creating the trust issues.....and lying is just plain unaccpetable in any relationship. Moreover, your child will learn to lie to you watching him - your child deserves better and so do you.
Yes, that is why I'm thankful I have therapy tomorrow. I hope I can use my voice by then otherwise I guess I'll try typing or something.

I am aware of two lies. One, telling stepdaughter she could go to a party and keep it a secret from me bc I had COVID anxiety, which he said he corrected. The other, he did not correct until I forced the situation, and that was when I told his dad come get your son. And even if there were not those two lies he's very inconsistent, unreliable etc because that's what his ADHD looks like, so it's already hard to trust based on that. He is not dependable. I need a solid, steady frame to help me contain myself.

I think that my husband is generally honest. He does have a problem with lies of omission though. He manages/massages information based on his desired impact. Maybe I do that too but I feel like I'm what you see is what you get with everyone.

If he would just have a better attitude I could put up with the other stuff but I approach him calmly, mindfully and respectfully and he doesn't reciprocate. On the contrary, he's being emotionally abusive.

I sent him a message to please figure out can he stop doing that or not because if he can't then he needs to go so that I have the energy to be the mother my child deserves. I am sure at this point it lands like an empty threat though. Sigh.
 

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
I mean I do have parts and they are in conflict and contradict themselves in this situation. That's very true. I need to work on system mapping, integration, etc. But that's more stuff I can't do when the relationship is one crisis after another. I can't do parts work when my body is run down from all this stress.

I've been trying to create a frame within which we could interact focusing on mutual respect and consideration and he's just... He's not going for it. Because of resentment probably. Hence me saying use your f*cking words dude. If you don't state your needs then they leak out sideways later. I prefer assertive now to bottle up blow up.

He gets so so so angry when he thinks I'm not listening even though due to his ADHD I have to say stuff 3-5 times to get him to do it. He ignores most of my communication. And I also have ADHD. And yet for some reason he feels entitled to just unload on me. Half the time I hear the words he says but don't trust that I am interpreting them the way he means them because experience has shown he will use words to convey something very very different from what I thought he was trying to say. So now I dissect things a bit to try to avoid misunderstanding and he loses his shit about it.

I mean in the entire history of the relationship I've done so much worse shit to him than him yelling about not feeling heard. But that doesn't mean I deserve it and that doesn't mean I can stick around for that stuff either.

I need to be able to have healthy communication with a partner. Maybe it's just not something he is capable of. He wants everything breezy, surface, doesn't want to answer how he's thinking about a situation, wants only simple questions or questions of cerebral complexity associated with impersonal topics. Nothing complex and also personal. I definitely have overcommunicated and that's a big reason everything is shit now. But how do you choose your battles when someone resists talking about anything of substance? Why even have a relationship if it all stays surface all the time? I can have acquaintances for that.
 

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
Therapy was not very helpful. My t is not tech savvy so we spent almost half the appointment trying to find a way for her to be able to read my chat messages and also see my face. Frustrating, but at the same time I appreciate that she wants to be super aware of what's happening nonverbally.

She of course did not make a recommendation one way or the other about my relationship but she reflected back to me that I do not seem to feel certain about the path forward, and that I do not sound like I am in Wise Mind when I talk about it, which is true.

My parts got super active right before the appointment and they wanted me to talk about them the whole time. I would like to be able to relax my attachment bullshit and build some momentum on this other stuff. It's probably all interrelated anyway.

This appointment was unsatisfying. But I appreciate that she was willing to try to see me even though I can't even talk.

I really wanted to get some feedback from her about whether to keep being open to parts communication stuff or should I lock all that down for now. I did ask, but she didn't understand my question. I feel like as long as it is not causing too much disruption to important life areas like parenting and work, if I feel comfortable and safe I should continue. It's all more information that can help us piece things together. It's why I started this trauma diary in the first place.
 

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
I have to decide whether to keep the appointment this weekend to sign our divorce papers. Part of me thinks we should go ahead and do it, so we have things ready. This person has been very generous with her time. I don't want to strain the relationship or flake on her. My husband and I are trying to get along, but I feel deep down a very strong urge to separate, even when we are getting along. Having the papers done will make it easier if or when we get to that point.

I need to listen to my gut. My gut says keep the appointment and stop stalling out of guilt, fear and low self esteem.

I care about my husband a lot. He tries to take care of me. I sleep late every weekend while he gets up with the kid. He cooks most of our dinners. He is there for me emotionally for anything that isn't anger about him. He's trying to take responsibility for himself financially. He is managing his own appointments. He's better about cleaning than he used to be.

We don't really have fun a lot, but that's largely because of me. I don't tolerate play very well. I also don't like being in charge of everything all the time. I'd love to be able to take a few days off from getting the mail and processing it but that would probably be a disaster.

Something in our relationship died within the last year or two. There's just been so many stressors and traumas.

I don't know what is the best choice for my child.

I know that I would like to start over, but I worry that much of this will just be recreated in my next relationship. So I am trying to work on myself now, as much as I can. If I heal my own bullshit and it appears what is left is his bullshit or our old dynamic that we cannot break free from, then I can be more confident about an ending.

This happened last night too. I thought that I needed to keep the appointment then thought through some reasons to wait. Ugh I annoy myself with these circles.
 
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