The answer to your first question is probably yes. Either parts or attachment stuff. Twice since last night after husband and I turned toward each other again I have had questions for him that are basically part of my mind thinking he's doing something wrong or hiding something from me which is part of how the distancing part of my attachment bs shows up.I mean no offense but are different parts writing posts or at least influencing them? You sure do flip flop back and forth and all over the place from one post to the next.
You sound so unsure of what you want . Maybe the best thing to do for now is focusing on yourself and not make any major decisions for a set amount of time? As you work on yourself your answers will more naturally come to you I think. It will make the whole process easier for you.
I mean,of course you are free to do whatever you choose. But it sounds like,as an outsider, that you could really use some time to figure things out for yourself . Not what he should or shouldn't do,not what he wants or doesn't want,not anything dependent on him, but YOU.
I feel your inner struggle in your posts. Maybe that's what needs to be worked on first and foremost?
There's a lot of valid reasons to end it and also a lot of valid reasons not to. I've been torn like this almost from the beginning of the relationship and although I haven't had many relationships this is the only one that has been like that. I only dated one other person since my first long round of trauma therapy with EMDR which totally changed how I experience my emotions and made me more grounded than I was before, better able to receive care than before, but deep down my model for receiving care is abusive so I really really struggle with just accepting care.
And it's complicated by the fact that some of these justifications are true. He cares for me and also makes my life really hard.
The only other relationship I have had since the EMDR I noticed some abandonment issues that had never been there before (bc I'd been numb to it, one of my criterion A events), where I had anxious attachment style protesting but was still also avoidant in some ways. Very capricious and labile. Everyone "normal" had an entire adolescence to figure out how to deal with emotions. I was suddenly learning how at like 26.
I think I've been stuck in a touch point on my healing journey and there's many more layers to get through but I haven't found a good fit, and my husband's actual life has been crazy so it's been hard to find a time where there is enough stability with him going to jail for months, losing jobs, driving my car into someone's house (all that happened within like 3 months).
I think you're right that waiting to make any big decisions is a good idea but I've also been swinging like this for years. My therapist told me I can't do my deeper work while my current life is chaotic so something needs to get adjusted. Him not living with me is the easiest way to be sure our bad habits won't thwart my treatment. Him not working is annoying and limits us but we have enough to get by. The social consequences of his legal issues are mostly just a potential right now, and annoying but not critically urgent and immediately impactful. Our communication problems, my shifting perspective and the acting out I still do from it and the impact those things have had on his ability to meet my emotional needs is an area of my present life that is likely to screw with my trauma therapy. I'm not sure what to do so I'll just ask my new therapist how she thinks I should proceed.
It's possible that we can work on integration and I'll have a better idea of what my system wants for me, what's unfounded fear based on the past vs logical and valid vs logical but unlikely, and maybe I'll reconcile the inability I have had to follow through on ending it if that's the route that I truly need to take.
I'm not offended at all. It's awful being inside my own mind where I change what I want so often. And we all have blind spots. If I'm thinking from a dysfunctional place I won't always see it clearly. So on the contrary, thank you for saying what you said.