Piecing things together

[Jade-]

Hi there. I've been reading your diary and I thought maybe it was time to say hey or something so I don't feel like a creeper.

I can really relate to the issues you have with your husband.I don't have parts or a dissociative disorder anymore but I sure still have relationship problems.

Your diary is interesting to me.It helps me to know that I'm not the only one going through the husband is an asshole/he's a good guy cycle.

 

[HealingMama]

Oh hi @JadeB. ?
Your post makes me so happy! I feel so crazy and alone with this up and down, getting to the end of my rope and slowly realizing that I'm probably not going anywhere.

I mean, I am really sorry that you also struggle with relationship challenges, but it does make me feel better that I'm not so alone.

You say you don't have parts or dissociative disorder anymore. Does that mean you used to? If you were able to heal that then congratulations ?

 

[Jade-]

Yes I used to struggle with dissociation(DID) but no longer have the dx and only have PTSD.

I'm sorry you have relationship issues too.I was so glad to read some of my own life in your words that I didn't say that before.

Most of the time I'm not sure how much of my marriage problems are just me and how much are my husband.I really swing back and forth on it,one day thinking I need to leave him and other days I think he's an ok guy and I just over react and blow everything out of proportion.

 

[HealingMama]

Feeling out of sorts like I am not fully locked in to my conscious self. Trying to carry on like nothing is happening but feeling weird.

Had another argument at home. Of course. He just started therapy and apparently trying to feel his emotions is going to make things even more eggshelly at home for a while. Sigh.

I mean I did make life hard for a long time with poorly managed baggage of my own. But I also try to be an open communicator.

Anyway. Mostly just don't feel quite like me. I've been talking to friends and colleagues and just feel like I'm skipping a beat constantly because I'm sort of somewhere else.

 

[HealingMama]

Yes I used to struggle with dissociation(DID) but no longer have the dx and only have PTSD.

I'm sorry you have relationship issues too.I was so glad to read some of my own life in your words that I didn't say that before.

Most of the time I'm not sure how much of my marriage problems are just me and how much are my husband.I really swing back and forth on it,one day thinking I need to leave him and other days I think he's an ok guy and I just over react and blow everything out of proportion.

Thank you. Yes it's hard to know what is happening that's coming from my stuff and what's his. We both twist reality at times for different reasons. I'm trying to find a foothold of sanity.

 

[HealingMama]

So I guess I'm either fighting with my partner or I don't feel like I'm fully me. It's like part of me is floating outside of me. I feel like I'm going through the motions.

Why can't I feel like me and also not fight with my husband? Ugh.

 

[HealingMama]

So tired of dissociating and derealization ugh. Seems to be worse when I'm about to attend my therapy appointments or trying to use this journal.

I get it. We decided we don't want to think about this stuff and so we are well trained not to.

But ugh I am spending a lot of money to work on myself and the dissociation is making the process harder than it would be.

I know I can't rush myself and there's probably a protector doing this for good reasons but shit man.

 

[HealingMama]

We played a board game last night. That meets his needs well. Meanwhile my needs aren't being met. I can't just have sex. I'm a woman. I need connection, intimacy. A clean house without nagging.

Basically he admits that he thinks it's too much work to make a space for sex because his efforts have no guarantee. "It's this big three day production. It's just sex."

Well, I guess our sex life is over then. I don't want to keep moving into his world if he won't move into mine. What a great way to convey your partner's value. ?

 

[HealingMama]

He wakes up and comes to sit by me and leans his head on my shoulder. Says nothing for a long time. Then says he loves me.

No, you can stop with the subtlety. If you're trying to fix the mess you made last night you have to use your words and communicate with openness because you already know that is what I need here.

 

[Mach123]

This is really a hard one. It really slowly got better for us. It had gotten to where she was just trying to force me to leave the way women do things. Not head on, she wanted me to think it was my idea.

So she was picking on me. But I had a hand in that. None of this goes on in a vacuum. There's plenty blame to go around.

So I had the epiphany one day and she "started on me" and I laughed at her. I said "you can force me out with a lawyer or whatever, but I'm going to stay, and I love you, but you can't pick on me anymore."

That was years ago and there's been plenty of fighting since, but slowly we've been working it out.

The fighting has to stop and especially fits of temper and so on. No yelling, no banging or breaking. We are better, but it's been a real long uphill battle.

(I wanna smash the dishes like the daughter in the Godfather sometimes lol)

 

[HealingMama]

This is really a hard one. It really slowly got better for us. It had gotten to where she was just trying to force me to leave the way women do things. Not head on, she wanted me to think it was my idea.

So she was picking on me. But I had a hand in that. None of this goes on in a vacuum. There's plenty blame to go around.

So I had the epiphany one day and she "started on me" and I laughed at her. I said "you can force me out with a lawyer or whatever, but I'm going to stay, and I love you, but you can't pick on me anymore."

That was years ago and there's been plenty of fighting since, but slowly we've been working it out.

The fighting has to stop and especially fits of temper and so on. No yelling, no banging or breaking. We are better, but it's been a real long uphill battle.

(I wanna smash the dishes like the daughter in the Godfather sometimes lol)

I agree. His temper has been really bad lately. How can I feel sexual that way? I don't want to fight either. But when we aren't fighting there's just nothing. He doesn't make an effort to build anything. Doesn't try to plan activities or dates, just very lazy about nurturing the marriage.

He says he wants me but doesn't want to put in the effort to create a passionate, intimate ambiance so sex can happen. He actually said that.

Well, that means all we have is fighting and retreating and increasing distance. He makes me initiate almost everything not just sex. Activities, conversation whether serious or mundane, sex, all of it.

I'm tired of giving him that validation that he doesn't want to reciprocate. If he can't be bothered then I can't either anymore.

And if the marriage dies once I stop initiating well then it probably should because I don't want to be with someone that can't practice mutuality.

 

[HealingMama]

We might be divorcing for real. We are both really fed up. I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to make an effort. He doesn't respect me. He admits it. He says I pick fights but he doesn't understand the context things happen in and a lot of it is valid concerns heard defensively which explodes everything.

Unfortunately he is talking about moving away which would mean he would not see our shared child very often.

I'm so angry with him. It took him nine months of asking to start his own therapy even knowing that I could not do anymore couples counseling with him until he gets some personal therapy first. And I told him time and time again look our marriage is on the line and we can't even get help until you do this other thing.

Took him nine damn months! That's enough time to grow a human!

He's frustrated that I'm ready to throw in the towel right after he started therapy but I resent him taking so damn long to start!

I put a marriage skill building workbook on his night stand and said hey read the stuff on conflict and take it out and use it with me sometimes to help us have a structure for working through problems. He never even opened it. That was 8 months ago.

I also resent him leaving the room mid conversation and not coming back to finish it. That was tonight. We were actually hearing each other and staying calm. This is a conversation about divorce, so that's no small feat. Then he left to go to the bathroom and laid down instead of coming back to complete the conversation.

I would not enjoy being a solo parent with no breaks but I would really enjoy having a peaceful home. If he left there would be peace. I could downsize and live in a little minimalist apartment, develop babysitting coops with other moms, maybe get some friends to help me move. I wouldn't have the stress of not knowing if this other person can be relied upon this particular day for this particular task or if he's going to mess it up or let me down or do it so last minute that it stresses me out.

I wouldn't have to be surrounded by the message that I'm not worth the effort. Even when things are good, his phone is infinitely more worthy.