Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

Abused people, pretty much. When we can't control our situation, we can control our bodies. ED, big time.

Yeah, I'm afraid all my effort to resolve the issues at home not working, I've taken to bodily control. Better to control my body than to be attacked for being controlling towards my partner (even though the ADHD creates controlling partners because things are too chaotic otherwise I hate being seen that way).

 

[Jade-]

As someone with trauma, I don't really know how to have fun

Maybe it's something worth working on? Could it be that you do know how but you don't allow yourself to?

It's partly a choice.People can be miserable at all times,focus on all the bad or decide to let it all go for a bit and let loose and have fun.

I'm finding that all the bad stuff in my life isn't as bad and upsetting when I mix in a little fun and relaxation now and then.But I do have to make a conscious effort to let everything else go for awhile.

 

[HealingMama]

Maybe it's something worth working on? Could it be that you do know how but you don't allow yourself to?

It's partly a choice.People can be miserable at all times,focus on all the bad or decide to let it all go for a bit and let loose and have fun.

I'm finding that all the bad stuff in my life isn't as bad and upsetting when I mix in a little fun and relaxation now and then.But I do have to make a conscious effort to let everything else go for awhile.

If I could tolerate weed, I could relax better for sure. I can relax with a bit of alcohol or Xanax. I relax when I do yoga, but then people are there being unpredictable and confusing or I have to be responsible for them somehow.

When my son and husband are playing video games, I tend to think good, I can get some cleaning done, or good I can take a moment to myself and not worry about things. I don't tend to think good I can sit down and have fun too, because nobody else will automatically think about picking up those other tasks. The work just piles up. When I'm solo parenting I am also tidying, meal planning, bill paying, scheduling, etc. When my spouse has the kid, he's just keeping the kid alive and entertained. So there's too much work for me to have fun.

 

[Jade-]

Where are you doing yoga that there are other people there that you feel you must be responsible for? Maybe you can change things up,do it elsewhere or something?It doesn't sound very relaxing if you're not really able to relax.

Is all the work and tasks you are doing so important that you can't let them go for even a little bit and have fun? Are they really that important or do you convince yourself they are?

Drugs and alcohol aren't a necessity in order to relax and have fun.I do have more fun when I smoke weed but I've also been allowing myself to have fun without it too.I used to always stress over all the things I felt I should be doing or things that needed to be done but realize relaxation and fun are just as important,if not more important. I have even been fishing often.I have no clue what I'm doing,I haven't caught anything yet after at least a dozen times but it's my time away from the world.Sometimes it's hard to leave the house and go do it,especially when there's so much to be done but I do it anyway.The dishes,laundry and everything else I need to do will still be there when I get back home.And when I do get back I am less stressed and bitchy and feel pretty good.

Do you have any hobbies?

 

[HealingMama]

Where are you doing yoga that there are other people there that you feel you must be responsible for? Maybe you can change things up,do it elsewhere or something?It doesn't sound very relaxing if you're not really able to relax.

Is all the work and tasks you are doing so important that you can't let them go for even a little bit and have fun? Are they really that important or do you convince yourself they are?

Drugs and alcohol aren't a necessity in order to relax and have fun.I do have more fun when I smoke weed but I've also been allowing myself to have fun without it too.I used to always stress over all the things I felt I should be doing or things that needed to be done but realize relaxation and fun are just as important,if not more important. I have even been fishing often.I have no clue what I'm doing,I haven't caught anything yet after at least a dozen times but it's my time away from the world.Sometimes it's hard to leave the house and go do it,especially when there's so much to be done but I do it anyway.The dishes,laundry and everything else I need to do will still be there when I get back home.And when I do get back I am less stressed and bitchy and feel pretty good.

Do you have any hobbies?

I should clarify. I do yoga when I'm teaching it. I only have one day a week where I get to just practice. I feel good after, and then I'm responsible for others and the burdensome nature of things returns. Yoga is my main hobby.

It is hard to "play first, work later". Tasks tend to nag at me unless I've had a drink or something. I work 1.5 jobs, and really need someone else to handle all the stuff at home. I do relax with a TV show at times but with a toddler I don't really get to relax until 8:30 at night, and I am asleep by 10:30. I'm often too tired for much besides tv. I have friends I go out with occasionally but babysitters are expensive and my husband's work schedule isn't consistent so it's very hard to really plan something. Most outings with the toddler aren't "fun" for me because I can't really relax. I have to be on somehow, monitoring for safety, dealing with obstinate protesting. I have a friend with a toddler that I should probably see more often.

 

[Deanna]

I work 1.5 jobs, and really need someone else to handle all the stuff at home.

Yes you do. What state do you live in?

 

[HealingMama]

Yes you do. What state do you live in?

I'd rather not say because I give a lot of details here already ? But why do you ask out of curiosity?

My husband has gotten better with cleaning up after himself, and usually he has cooked dinner most nights the last few weeks, but laundry, organizing people/time/things all falls to me.

 

[Deanna]

I'd rather not say because I give a lot of details here already ? But why do you ask out of curiosity?

My husband has gotten better with cleaning up after himself, and usually he has cooked dinner most nights the last few weeks, but laundry, organizing people/time/things all falls to me.

I didn't ask to be nosey.. I was going to help you look for a housecleaning company that was reputable in your state. No intentional harm here. :hug:

 

[HealingMama]

I didn't ask to be nosey.. I was going to help you look for a housecleaning company that was reputable in your state. No intentional harm here. :hug:

Aw thanks I appreciate it. It is so kind of you to try to help in that way. I can find good housekeeping companies but justifying the expense is an issue.

I am thinking of applying for another job and if I got it I could justify the cost then. In the meantime I watch for Groupons ?

 

[HealingMama]

He was late to pick up the kid from daycare because he lost track of time. I felt resentment rising up in me. But all my emotions are locked down right now so I didn't go off on him. I just calmly explained I know you can't help time blindness but you could set alarms for situations where it matters if you are late. And I told him because hes not making effort to prevent things like that I have some resentment so I don't think I can give him a hand job tonight.

He was coming onto me this morning but I can't have sex when I'm dead inside. I told him that. Originally I offered a hand job tonight since he's about to leave town, but all the unmanaged ADHD over the week, the not answering the phone, locking his keys in his car so I had to help during lunch, then I had to take the child to school because him having THREE HOURS before work, he did not feel like he could handle breakfast, put clothes on, drive by Dr office to reschedule appointment, then drop kid off and go to work.

He says he is doing his best, but I've not seen him trying to do anything to organize himself, check his calendar in the evenings, etc. He's doing everything he feels like doing and telling himself it's the best he can do because it's all so hard. H hogs that victim spot of the drama triangles buddy, hoo boy.

Off to yoga to try to feel SOMETHING in an environment that is safe.

Think I should tell my t that I started skipping dinner.

 

[HealingMama]

Afraid to have emotions. Last time i had emotions I wanted to hurt myself and had a huge autoimmune attack.

I cried a little in yoga. I almost cried at work. Apparently I can still get into my feelings as long as I'm not at home.

He will be gone in the morning. I will do my best to live like a single mother and soak up as much enjoyment as possible.

 

[HealingMama]

Took my son to an outside farmers market where he had a lot of fun pretending to play Cornhole. I brought a folding chair over to sit down while he played because I'm too weak to stand still for long time periods without something to lean on. There are many fall festivals here but I'm afraid as sick as I am right now if I take him alone I will be effectively bedridden tomorrow.

Have been in slow moving conversation with husband about how his symptom management or lack thereof impacts my disease, just as the relationship does, and that I have to lower the environmental stress for our son's sake. I have notifications off so I won't get overly stressed by it. At this point he sees it as a power struggle where I want to violate his boundaries. Maybe he's right. I don't even know anymore. He has a right to privacy and to decisions about what information he wants to share. I have to make my own choices based on the information I have.

I have been reading articles written by single mothers with chronic health problems to get a sense of what it's like. I printed out divorce papers because we are at a standstill on some of the issues, and certain things won't change unless he decides to change them. I'm feeling ok though. Numb mostly, burned out. I started eating dinner again which is good.

My body can rest when he's not here in a way that it can't otherwise. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the next mess or crisis. Apparently that's common in ADHD marriages where the neurotypical partner develops health problems due to stress.

Later will probably be a movie or a shopping trip which kiddo enjoys doing. Tomorrow will be church, gym, maybe a hike if my health is up for it.

I was thinking earlier about how I need to be happier, to have more positive thinking. I'm grateful for the beautiful weather today. I'm grateful that my son is actually pretty easy as far as children go. I'm grateful that I have decent health insurance. My iv treatment is about $80,000 per outpatient hospital visit before insurance. I'm grateful that my leadership at work thinks I do a good job and grateful that I am able to help a lot of people applying my training and skills. I'm grateful that I can take a trip in a couple of weeks. I'm grateful that I don't have cavities even though dental issues are very common with one of my diseases where people in their 30s have to get dentures and such.

I'm depressed. I'm depressed because I feel trapped and stuck. I tried to reach out to a new T but she never called me back. Sigh.