Pity Party! Table For One?

[Bees Are Awesome]

I have been in such a low place lately. I feel like my world is getting smaller and smaller. I don't want to leave the house. I am struggling to accept the fact that my PTSD symptoms are more severe than I want to admit. I am having difficulty maintaining that appearance of "everything is great" around others. I just feel tired. I want to stay in my bed.

My husband is interviewing for a new job. Reviewing the benefits package, we started talking about their health insurance plans. We figured out that we would have to take the most expensive insurance plan they offered so I could continue with my mental health services. (I see my T twice a week and my psychiatrist every 2-3 months.) He made some comment about how the copays were already expensive enough and if he gets the job we have to pay more per paycheck than we currently do. I don't work but we still pay for child care 2 days per week. I already feel like a burden to our family finances. I am in the process of applying for disability but of course all of that takes years sometimes to sort out.

My husband wants the kids to go to child care full time but we cannot afford it. I feel terrible that I can't handle them myself 24/7 and that I need help. I hate getting so overwhelmed and feeling angry and scared. My kids need to go to child care to have socialization and learning opportunities because they won't get that from me. Even when we go out as a family I can only handle it for a short time period. I don't want my kids stuck at home just because of my issues.

I am not very good at this being a wife and parent thing. Subconsciously I believe that my husband and kids will leave my life just as everyone else has so I don't allow them to get too close to me or let myself get too close to them. People always leave.

Ugh, sorry for my pity party. I'm not always this emotive so I thought I'd go with it. I am struggling not to erase the whole thing.

How do you dig yourself out of depression? How do you leave your house when you feel so unsafe? I don't want to post this.

 

[J_trustno1]

Hi Unravelling

Yes, I have to admit that with depression you find it absolutely impossible to leave your house or your room because you just can't be bothered. However, the only way to get out of your depression or your comfort zone is to challenge yourself. If you stay stuck in your room or house, then sorry to say but you'll be more depressed. Even when you don't want to or feel like getting out of the bed or room or house, please force yourself out of the house and try viewing the nature, and AVOID negative people because they will make you more depressed. Lastly, try some breathing techniques because they are very helpful at calming you down, do some exercise, yoga, or swimming, do whatever that makes you feel happy and comfortable. Be sure to do things at your own pace. I hope you feel good soon.

 

[bluemoon]

You are doing really well, considering everything (multiple stressors/challenges ;)
Any small step, start with the easiest stuff 1st
(do something nice,.. for ... yourself!!)

 

[fly away home]

I am sorry, I have no answers but I have to say, as a mother with ptsd, childcare two days a week is not an indulgence. For any mother it is a useful tool and well needed respite. For people like us who are extremely stressed already it is vital. Please don't feel bad for giving your children a chance to make new friends and learn different things from other trustworthy adults. It is beyond hard to manage the basics of parenting while dealing with ptsd. Be gentle on yourself.

 

[RussH]

Dont be afraid to get close to your husband or children. They are there for you. I know they will not leave you,because they have a level of commitment to you that all the others did not have.

This depression will end, and you will see you symptoms lessen, sometimes it just takes time.
So in the meantime, hang in there, and keep posting here, so that the folks here can show you support.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I don't know how old your children are, but remember that they have developmental changes and there will be ages that they will distance themselves from you. Please don't take it personally. After all, they are in training to become independent. Before you know it, they'll be in school all day and that will help you. You may find as they get older that you can manage occasional overnight guests. It was always easier on me if they had playmates.

Depression is a bugger. Some of it is situational so go easy on yourself. A change in your husbands job might be affecting your sense of stability. It will all work out and all you need to do is remind those kiddos that they're loved and wanted, despite your depression. I'm glad to see that you have therapy twice a week.

 

[Ghostybear73]

I'd like to say that it is okay to have the occasional pity party (that you share with others). I'm pretty sure a lot of people have them, I know I have them. You will get through this as your symptoms start to lesson, but I have found that you do have to force yourself to leave the house. I have found that the longer you box yourself inside, the harder it is to get out. It takes everything in me sometimes, but I do it. Last night is a free night from extracurricular activities for my daughter and because I was home, she decided to go her Kung Fu class. She was told that I might not go because I am tired and I seriously contemplated staying home. When she came in to my room to ask if I was going, I forced myself to get up, get dressed and go. It sucked because I feel that everything I do is for everyone else, like I have to do it, but deep down I try to think that as I heal, I will do things because I want to (and I'm not talking about secluding myself in my house).

Keep positive, it will get better as long as you continue to work on you. You can get through this

 

[PoeticLady83]

I find myself better when I stop over thinking and just spur of the moment get out and do something. Especially if it'll make my kids happy. If your not comfortable in public settings or being subject to alot of strangers at once....try a local or even state park. Going for walks with the kids or bike riding helps. The more you recluse the further deeper into depression you fall. As far as not allowing your husband or children close....don't push them away. Often in life regardless of how bad things are being their for eachother, support by family or friends makes all the difference. Make those good moments the best. Possibly take up a hobby or craft you can share with the kids or hubby. My children and I love playing wii we get competitive and it's always laughs.

Lastly, don't ever feel like what your feeling is wrong you'd be surprised to find out that there are people who relate. This forum has helped me alot. I hope your able to find any way to better cope and thanks for sharing.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement. It is so nice to be able to talk to and get feedback from people who actually understand what I am going through and how I am feeling.

Until today I hadn't been out of the house since Tuesday. I ended up having dinner with a friend and we had a good time talking. I can't say I wasn't trying to conjure up an excuse to get out of it beforehand but I am glad I went.