Planning On Taking Husband To See Therapist But What If Someone Comes Out?

[Ellabella44]

yesterday my husband asked if there is an end in sight to me going to therapy... ive only been going for little over a month now.

to my grief phase .. the fact that he exists, that we have kids , is upsetting to her. this is where im grieving for my baby at 18, still at my parents home, still in my room from that time period and scared that any movement by my husband and kids is my mother coming in to "comfort" me.

and another which is as present right now, I associate with being always on guard at home because of my birth fathers temper and my mother taking what he gave her , out on us. She is pissed, wants to challenge him to look at this and not back away ..(is he tough enough to handle this is her attitude) believing he will just run from me if he could spend time in my head.... and if she comes out while talking to him, all of that will come up and he wont deserve it. and yeah we had a fight about it she and i and ended up breaking bowls one day.

there are ones i have for a lesser extent, but these ones would have conflict with him.

I dont know what to do, how to have this hit home without him "seeing the show" that i try to hide from him at home. I know hes noticed some of the lesser ones, an overly bouncy teen which i felt was ok to be out around him. even though he gave me the um you have two heads look. and im partially there watching it, hating that look on his face and yet im stuck for a time in that fragment.

 

[arfie]

It is possible to hide the show from my husband, but he usually seems to know I am hiding something. He is just respecting my right to privacy.

I am glad you are taking him to therapy with you. It may open some new doors to honesty for both of you. May you open them with honest respect.

 

[Ellabella44]

havent made appointment for that yet, have to talk to my therapist again about it next session... monday and thanks i hope so , i have told him i hate not letting him in.. but i have trouble talking about things and it seems to bother him a bit i can talk to strangers he doesnt know but not him. to talk to him .. and to talk to my therapist out loud.. is making things that happened real... acknowledging that they happened to me, and i have trouble with that. especially if its him.

 

[arfie]

I strongly believe I need to keep my husband out of most of my own therapy. My PTSD is not about him and the huge place he has in my life gives him allot of extra influence which only makes my therapy harder on more levels than I can identify, much less count. Outside of therapy, he is the great stabilizer of my life.

Still, he has also granted me extra influence in his life. He, too, needs assurance and validation. Sometimes I think the entire marriage gig is a question of balance... It can be hard, but I think it is worth it.

 

[nursenurse]

Lots of supporters do not know "all" of the truth, that is all of the details, and sometimes it is better that way. Don't pressure yourself into a tell all session to your hubby when you are not ready to let him in. One month of therapy is hardly a lot of therapy.

What you could use a joint session for is more of an information session, let your therapist tell your hubby along with you what is best for you, what is helpful, what is not, and perhaps why he doesn't need to know all of the details himself, at least for now. He is not your therapist, your hubby that is, and is sounds like you have not processed all of your trauma, which will take its own sweet time. Don't rush things.

Good luck, it sounds like you are on a good path.

 

[Eleanor]

yesterday my husband asked if there is an end in sight to me going to therapy

This worries me. Honestly it worries me a lot, given that you have more than one "stuck bit." I may be totally off base here - but does he know how serious your injury is? Re-integration, particular of child selves, just takes some time. You are aware that you have various bits, and that they have different personalities and views, and it sounds like you talk to them to some extent? And ... Well, I'm going to be really really blunt here at the risk of offending: Is your husband a decent guy or not? Does he know how complicated you are? He is married to all of you.

You haven't told him you switch? I'm not saying you have to go into the gory details of the trauma, but .... as a spouse of someone with structural dissociation it would have been very helpful to me to understand the "stuck bits" were separate personalities with only limited information about and connection with the present. (My H has an EP that was/is stuck in the bad period with his ex-wife - so was VERY angry at me and threatened/demanded divorce roughly once a month for several years... very very upsetting.) It turns out that I have a lesser version of SD and my EP's (who are pretty benign all things considered) would get into it with his... and anyway it has been a terrible painful mess for a long time and it now finally getting sorted out. Well, it is too early to say that, probably, but at least we have some idea what we are up against.

What I can tell you is that my H can tell when I "switch", and because of his history interpreted it as deception. Bad. Bad. Bad. And memories are sketchy from one personality to another (for both of us) so it seems to him like I don't listen to him. (I DO, I'm just not always in a state where a particular memory is available.) Also a trigger for him. And I have issues with being ignored or misinterpreted.... so you see what an unholy mess it has gotten to be. I think, tho I don't know, that it would have been easier to navigate through all this if we had known what we were up against. It took me... two years? To figure out that the angry guy was another personality - and didn't actually know who I was. And then another three years to figure out that the angry guy wasn't really ANGRY so much as PANICed. And it makes a difference.

I don't know that your situation is ANYTHING like ours, obviously, but the fact that he thinks a month of therapy (or four or five) is going to be adequate, is... worrisome.:(:oops:

Is your husband entirely "whole" and integrated himself?

 

[ISupportHer]

yesterday my husband asked if there is an end in sight to me going to therapy... ive only been going for little over a month now.

This is very unrealistic on his part. An indication that he does not yet "get it". It took me a very long time to accept the fact that things were not an easy fix. Lots of posts here about partners or family and how they fit into things.

I strongly believe I need to keep my husband out of most of my own therapy. My PTSD is not about him

This also took me a long time to accept. I was, however, asked to attend a few times in the beginning. More to make me aware of the extent of the problem. I though that if I was allowed to participate, then I could help "fix" things. It was a long painful process to realize that it doesn't work that way. As you state, it is not about me.

As a general response to this thread, my wife has been seeing a Therapist weekly for maybe 6 years now. The hope I can offer to others is that things CAN get better. No guarantees, of course. Things ARE better in our house, but I have been a member here for 5 years. It takes time but I firmly believe that it it requires partners and family to back off. Again, this can be very hard.

ISH

 

[Ellabella44]

thing is im newly diagnosed, spent most of last year in a vodka bottle and passed off my changes in behavior to being drunk to him .. he is a decent guy.. and thats what makes me insecure about talking about this with him. i pretty much just "woke up" from supressing for years... so no he doesnt know , i havent really talked about it.. he knows about parts of things... and to me saying more than the pieces i gave him is making those things real, making the traumas mine... and im not quite ready for that yet... i put my insecurities on him ... thinking he will be horrified if i showed him whats in my head... because its my story but im not ready to accept it. I can write it.. i can talk to someone online.. but to think for a second he will see me as something warped and twisted i cant bear... because sometimes thats how i feel... I misjudged him about my abortion... and my feelings about this. he wants me to get better. he tries to pull me out when im feeling insecure and it shows to him... its me that wants to hide , wants to pull away... how can you love me and see this?

 

[Ellabella44]

how can i ask him to accept something that i cant accept myself... that i have this, that i have pieces im stuck in ?

 

[darrenS]

I would simply set a very clear line - i would be kind and calm whilst doing it and simply state that its your therapy , and as such it is not up for discussion - to be pressured to complete something you just started is destructive, the last thing you need when working through things is pressure to complete it. It is obvious by his comments he has little understanding of the process, i would embark on educating him and just let him know it is critical for your well being and if he has any questions or concerns to address them in a safe , and supportive way. If your husband is not aware of your parts , i would find some way to address it with him, the pressure of hiding such things will empede your recovery and no doubts exasperate things. We cannot live fully if we exist on half truths and are hiding things. i truly feel for you and wish you the best of luck in trying to deal with this

 

[Ellabella44]

ive lied , ive hidden , ive excused because i want to be in denial. I dont want to be like this... and im still coming to terms that its not a choice and i may be in therapy for this a long time. I hate lying to him , i hate making excuses, i hate seeing it on his face when he notices, i hated him asking when this first started who are you? and I hate that he asks it once in a while.

 

[Ellabella44]

its not that he wants me to stop, its well he doesnt quite understand and well thats my fault i havent been straight with him. I fear him rejecting me , though he has never given me a reason rationally to think he would if that makes any sense. hes given me space when i asked, hes held me when ive asked... hes had to read scribbled notes that i toss at him and run away. I'm scared of him being accepting too , that someone could actually truly love me... i just dont make sense