Please believe me

[Deleted member 38906]

How do I get my therapist to believe that I'm depressed and at my rock bottom?

I'm always feeling better when I see him so he thinks I'm doing alright.

When I tell him I want to be hospitalized he'll say smth like it'll go on your medical record.

He told me I could text whenever I felt depressed instead but if I let myself do that I'm going to accuse him of not believing me.

He doesn't really care about me.

I don't feel good after therapy.

Maybe if I make an attempt, he'll believe me. Or if I just stop going to therapy altogether and tell him I'm too depressed.

I just want him to believe me. Why is this so f*cking hard?

 

[joeylittle]

He told me I could text whenever I felt depressed instead but if I let myself do that I'm going to accuse him of not believing me.

It sounds like you're really struggling with the depression right now.

It doesn't sound to me like there's anything to lose in texting him, telling him you are feeling at rock bottom, and that you need help now.

I'm always feeling better when I see him so he thinks I'm doing alright.

Does he have anything to do with you feeling better? If he is capable of helping you get through this struggle you're going through right now, all the more reason to go ahead and reach out to him.

Maybe if I make an attempt, he'll believe me.

This isn't a good idea. If you are feeling like you don't have any options, can you reach out to emergency services?

 

[somerandomguy]

I think you need to tell your T exactly what you wrote here.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

It doesn't sound to me like there's anything to lose in texting him, telling him you are feeling at rock bottom, and that you need help now.

If I text him that, he'll call to talk to me. But my 'I'm ok' persona will come on in front of him and it'll make me sound like a liar. I have trouble showing genuine feelings around him.

Does he have anything to do with you feeling better?

Yeah having someone gentle talk to me makes me feel good even though I have a persona But as soon as I leave him I feel depressed again and my attacking part comes out cycling through my robust thoughts about him.. He doesn't believe me.. He doesn't care about me... He's tired of me... He wants me to stop seeing him... He's on my mom's side... Etc on and on and on analyzing everything he said in session... and it drives me nuts...i can't make them stop.

I think you need to tell your T exactly what you wrote here.

What's the point? I suck at therapy.

 

[somerandomguy]

What's the point? I suck at therapy.

Practice makes perfect.

 

[EveHarrington]

If you have the idea that you suck at therapy, chances are you will suck at therapy.

Take a chance, put yourself out there and be honest with your therapist.

 

[Joan]

Sry you are struggling so. It is tough if you send conflicting messages to your T.....I now realize how much in the past I have alluded to some really tough things and they seemed so clear to me what I said, but in hind sight what I said was not clear at all. If you reach out to your T and say you are at the bottom, but then say all is ok.....what is your t supposed to believe? Those messages are so strong about how you feel he thinks about you...it sucks....but you cannot expect him to respond if you back track and say all is ok. Making an attempt just to get his response is not a good option. I hope that you can be safe and get the help that you need and want.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

Sry you are struggling so. It is tough if you send conflicting messages to your T.....I now realize how m...

I've told him that when I backtrack, it's a defense against being vulnerable and that it's not the real me.

 

[DharmaGirl]

So how will he know? He can't read your mind, you can't read his. You have to be honest about this. Making an attempt to prove a point is not a good idea. You might really die, and everyone who loves you will wonder why you didn't reach out. They will believe it is their fault, and you will never, ever have a chance to get better and find out how good life can be. It will be over. Your loved ones will suffer for years. So will your therapist. Do you really want to do that to someone?

 

[Deleted member 38906]

So how will he know? He can't read your mind, you can't read his. You have to be honest about this....

How will he know about my idea to attempt? Well I was planning on telling him that I don't feel like u believe me so I wanted to show you how bad I feel bc actions speak louder than words.....

I realize it's easier to just be honest about how I feel....but how can I possibly convey how bad I feel when I lose access to my feelings as soon as I see him. How believable is it to tell someone you feel hopeless and at your breaking point when u are smiling... Its hard to talk about something effectively when u don't have access to it anymore.

 

[Still Standing]

So how will he know? He can't read your mind, you can't read his. You have to be honest about this....

And, let's say you do "make an attempt", so what? It will get you hospitalized but if you are not willing to be forthcoming with your therapist now, why do you think that is going to happen in a hospital setting? Following through with an attempted suicide to "prove" your point, seems a bit stupid. You can avoid the drama by simply taking a deep breath and either send your T all the things you have listed here, as you shared with us, or you can personally tell him. You have to be honest in your thought processes toward him and your care, just as you have listed here in this thread. Give him the information he needs to better care for you. Tell him this, in your own words:
"...as soon as I leave him I feel depressed again and my attacking part comes out cycling through my robust thoughts about him.. He doesn't believe me.. He doesn't care about me... He's tired of me... He wants me to stop seeing him... He's on my mom's side... Etc on and on and on analyzing everything he said in session... and it drives me nuts...i can't make them stop." He needs to hear this, just as you have written it. Do it. Let him have a the information he needs to better care for you. It is not going to offend him, make him think less of you, or surprise him, as he deals with these thoughts and reactions from many other folks going through therapy. It is common to react as you are. It does not mean you "suck" at therapy. It means you are walking through a war with your mind and you need to push forward to begin to see progress in combating the negatives and gaining some positives, in your life. You are young. Take advantage of the chance to make your world a better world to live in. There is hope. You just have to want it and work toward it, with an attitude of trust in your therapist. Focus on conquering and not surrendering! Put the energy that you are expending against therapy and your therapist into working more openly and closely with him. You have to be a team player in your own care.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

He needs to hear this, just as you have written it. Do it.

Im not trying to sound stubborn i promise... But I swear I have talked about this with him before.. I've explained to him after therapy my brain feels like it's under a virus attack with all these thoughts about him and therapy...

He says that I'm going through an internal conflict and that it must be respected... He says to imagine the thoughts belong to a younger part of me who is having difficulty trusting...

I do all of that but I feel like my robust thoughts are too insidious... They just take over like those old 90s adware spyware pop up windows that take over ur computer screen.. U keep closing them but they keep multiplying and popping open faster than u can close them until u have no choice but to shutdown and reboot.... Problem is I can't do that with my brain unless I stay away from therapy and relationships altogether... But what is the point of being alive when u can't be in relationships.

How do I work on this further? HOW do I become more of a team player? I'll do anything... I feel like I've tried being honest in therapy about what's going on and it just doesn't alleviate the problem at least not longer term..