Please Help Dreaded Fear Of New Years Eve Nightmares (trigger)

[sweepy923]

Hi, I have a history of csa from age 7 to 12 by several family members. Im in therapy recently working on trauma, I have ptsd, bipolar 1 borderline and gad. I suffer lots of nitemares an flashbacks, more now since processing bits of trauma.

Anyway ever since young I have always had a dread for new years eve and the days before it. Some years are worse than others, this year is bad, I get illogical symptoms. Anxiety, fear, the feeling to hide, nausea, cold, pain in parts of my body I cant mention, a sense of heavyness on me, guilt, sadness, crying, ect...

I dont feel safe, I told my therapist and she created a safety plan for me.
last nite was horrible, I had nitemares and flashbacks in my sleep if that is possible.
in the dream my both parents were there, it was like a party, everyone was dressed except for me, all I was wearing was a tee shirt above my knee, nothing else. I was shamed in my dream, I kept asking people to cover me.

All of a sudden I dont know whether I was awake or not, but the walls in my bedroom became black and in childlike green handwriting the words" you were abused" were scribbled all over the place. In the dream I was numb an a painful tingling sensation and a feeling of being held. It was horrible all nite the same thin.

This is the first time I ever had a dream like this days before new years eve.
Also my parents use to give me alcohol in small doses from age 7.

 

[Overcast]

I would stick to my safety plan. If you have to post every day the. Do so. I journal a lot around Christmas because 2 events occurred to me one day before Christmas and one on Christmas. Anxiety, flashbacks and nightmares occur.

I plan positive things to do on Christmas Eve and Christmas. It doesn't necessarily lessen the flashbacks and nightmares but my response to them has changed. It has taken quite a few years for me to learn how to disarm the intensity but every year I pick up one new positive coping skill. It seems weird but this has helped me.

I have been working on accepting that Christmas Eve is a trigger for me. I know the symptoms will be there and I am working on defining new meanings for me for the holiday and new traditions. It has helped tremendously. In December I start reviewing the positive and negatives my life. I am thankful for the positives and I write my goals out on my focus for the next year. It is amazing how that works for me.

 

[Hashi]

I don't think your symptoms are illogical. They sound natural for the kind of experiences you've had.

I feel a bit concerned that you say your therapist has created a safety plan for you but you don't say anything else about that. You don't sound very involved with it, and you don't mention that you've been trying to use it. Of course, you don't have to say anything about it if you'd rather keep it private, but what I mean is - are you putting it into practice? Is it working?

I sympathise with the symptoms you're experiencing. I'm also quite tough love about bringing in your strategies straight away when you experience things like this. However hard it is, you need to go straight to the skills and resources you have in place. Are you doing this and is it helping?