If I can, if he'll let me, I hold him and tell him I love him, that his children love him, that his grandchildren would like to have the chance to get to know him. Sometimes I tell him that its not fair to transfer his pain onto me and his family by killing himself. Sometimes I tell him he's not to leave me to explain it to his family and he needs to get on the phone to his sister right now. Sometimes I get angry and yell at him that he doesn't really love me because if he did he wouldn't want to leave me. Sometimes I tell him that I don't know what to say and that he needs to call his psychiatrist. Sometimes I threaten to call 000. Whatever I think I need to say to keep him talking, keep him with me, keep him thinking about other ways of dealing with things. I hate it. I feel so helpless.
-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
General Please help! he says he feels on the verge of nervous breakdown, what to do?
- Post starter Never_falter2
- Start date
- Status
I will say threatning to call 911, 000 or what ever it is in your country, can make things worse when a person is trying to express their suicidal feelings as a means to ask for help. Generally for me, my reason for sharing is to express that I need less stress and more understanding during that time.
It is a "Hey, I am thinking about wanting to die alot, or I recognize that the way I am feeling right now has been a precursor to being suicidal in the past, BUT with understanding and reduced stress, I can pull my self out of this. If the stress level doesnt get better I could easily end up in that bad place, so please let me do what I need to do to manage my feelings, and please put all stressful things on hold, including asking too many times if I am ok, because things that are slightly annoying or tbings that normally bug me, feel huge and intense right now. Threats of emergeny services when I am not activily threating to commit suicide in that moment, add to my stress, when I know that if given the freedom to do what I need to do, even if it bugs you, along with a low stress environment I cam pull myself out of this, but the oposite will push me further. Thankyou for putting up with me and letting my moodiness and bad additude slide for now. We will talk about relationship issues when I am feeling better, but I just cant right now"
It is a "Hey, I am thinking about wanting to die alot, or I recognize that the way I am feeling right now has been a precursor to being suicidal in the past, BUT with understanding and reduced stress, I can pull my self out of this. If the stress level doesnt get better I could easily end up in that bad place, so please let me do what I need to do to manage my feelings, and please put all stressful things on hold, including asking too many times if I am ok, because things that are slightly annoying or tbings that normally bug me, feel huge and intense right now. Threats of emergeny services when I am not activily threating to commit suicide in that moment, add to my stress, when I know that if given the freedom to do what I need to do, even if it bugs you, along with a low stress environment I cam pull myself out of this, but the oposite will push me further. Thankyou for putting up with me and letting my moodiness and bad additude slide for now. We will talk about relationship issues when I am feeling better, but I just cant right now"
@Fadeaway - I hear you. But if I get a text that says "I'm going to join my mother. Take care." and his mother died last 17 June then I am going to call and tell him he either promises me he will do nothing til I get there or I will call 000.
If its more like "I feel so empty. I've seen enough of this world." then I generally respond with something like "I'm sorry you are feeling sad, but its ok to feel sad sometimes. I love you very much."
If its more like "I feel so empty. I've seen enough of this world." then I generally respond with something like "I'm sorry you are feeling sad, but its ok to feel sad sometimes. I love you very much."
Neverthesame
Diamond Member
Speaking for myself, I think this would be a pretty good way of getting through to me that I'm getting bad to the point of scaring the shit out of people. Without making me feel like I f*cked up for opening my mouth about it.
- Post starter
- #78
Never_falter2
Diamond Member
@Neverthesame You did not f*ck up by opening your mouth about it... no matter what. It is good if you share stuff like this with other people so they can help.
Asked him how he was yesterday. He said stressed but he can cope. Told people at another board about all of this, not a ptsd board but a very big board and there happened to be people with ptsd there... and they just said the opposite. They said he cannot cope and that I need to help him and I am very confused now. I think I will search for peer to peer support and persuade him to go and persuade him to take medication.
Asked him how he was yesterday. He said stressed but he can cope. Told people at another board about all of this, not a ptsd board but a very big board and there happened to be people with ptsd there... and they just said the opposite. They said he cannot cope and that I need to help him and I am very confused now. I think I will search for peer to peer support and persuade him to go and persuade him to take medication.
Neverthesame
Diamond Member
Perhaps there is an important lesson to be gleaned from all this?
You have two polar opinions about one man. One man that out of all of us here and on the other board, only you really know.
If I were to be walking down a street today and pass your family on the sidewalk, I wouldn't know it.
I nor anyone else here on the internet who can try our best to be helpful. Can't read the heart of a man we couldn't recognise if we tripped over his feet.
At least not near as well as the woman who agreed to share her life with him.
All us internet people can give you advice, but you are the only one who can really decide if it's applicable to your husband.
I'll bet.
What does your husband want?
What does he say?
Do you believe him?
I guess what I'm saying is. Forgive me if I'm a little over presumptuous.
While your putting in so much attention and effort to be there for your husband. Which is not a bad thing, don't get me wrong. You clearly love him like crazy.
Just don't forget to be with him as well as for him.
- Post starter
- #80
Never_falter2
Diamond Member
What he wants? He wants to be a monkey... *sigh*... apart from that he wants to go hiking, we did that the day after he told me that sad stuff about being close to nervous breakdown again... and he acted cheerful... so no problem? A problem? Dunno. Can I just ignore what he said or do I risk his life doing so. He wants to try watertherapy. He wants to go camping, he does not want to talk about ptsd to much. He wants the civvies in his job to stop being stupid. I think he might want to join a peer to peer group where he talks to other vets with ptsd. He says not in a week of Sundays, but I‘ll find one that is really cool. Because if you are annoyed by civvies you need more vets in your life.
He wants to work out, he plans to improve our home gym. He wants to lose weight but he does not want to eat health food.
If I ask him what I can do to be helpful he has no answer.
So I do not really know what he is planning to do. I guess his plan is to ignore his ptsd. He plans to work out more, shower cold, do some watertherapy, buy a new stress ball cause he lost his old, apart from that he does not have any anti ptsd plans.
It is difficult for him to think or talk about ptsd. It stresses him a lot to the point of him trembling and stuttering.
He wants to work out, he plans to improve our home gym. He wants to lose weight but he does not want to eat health food.
If I ask him what I can do to be helpful he has no answer.
So I do not really know what he is planning to do. I guess his plan is to ignore his ptsd. He plans to work out more, shower cold, do some watertherapy, buy a new stress ball cause he lost his old, apart from that he does not have any anti ptsd plans.
It is difficult for him to think or talk about ptsd. It stresses him a lot to the point of him trembling and stuttering.
barefoot
Diamond Member
I often feel so torn when I read your posts @Never_falter
On the one hand, I can totally feel how much you love him, how much it hurts you when he is struggling, how much you worry when he is struggling and how much you want to help.
On the other - and as many others have said - there isn’t really much you can actually *do* to help. And when I see what you write about all that you are trying to do and all the assumptions you make about what he needs and what could help make him better, I feel quite stressed out because I often think if my partner acted that way with me I would hate it and just want her to back off!
I know you have good intentions and love him and want to help him. But I sometimes wonder if you end up unwittingly contributing to more stress and difficulty?
As I think others have said, I don’t think your husband was meaning he literally wanted to be a monkey instead of a human. He is not “crazy” or delusional. He is using a metaphor to express how he is feeling. I don’t know him but, to me, the way you described the context of him saying that and what he was doing at the time (playing at being monkeys with your kids) makes me think that he is tired of responsibility and feeling under pressure and stressed out with his manager role at work etc. And that the idea of being a monkey - carefree, playful, just jumping around in trees having fun and feeling free - is appealing. Plenty of people have fantasies like that - where we just enjoy temporarily losing our selves in the fantasy of what it would be like to not have responsibilities, commitments, stressful things etc. It doesn’t mean we actually want or expect the fantasy to happen for real.
He has PTSD. He is not “crazy” or deranged.
And I think telling you he wants to be a monkey is him communicating with you and expressing something important to you about how he feels and what he needs. I’m not sure whether you are able to hear that though if he is not just having a very literal, straightforward conversation with you?
He wants these things:
It’s great that he has these things he wants to do and great that you have recently gone hiking together when he wasn’t feeling in a good place. And knowing what he wants can help you support him with those things.
I’d suggest that you focus on these things that you know he wants (because he has told you so) rather than on making assumptions about what he does/doesn’t want or what you think would be best for him.
You said he doesn’t want to talk about PTSD. Right...so trying to force him to do so will just stress him and out frustrate you. And that’s where stuff like hiking and working out can come in. “Working on” himself and his issues doesn’t have to mean sitting and talking to you about his PTSD or his feelings.
If he is talking about wanting to go hiking, camping, try water therapy, get a new stress ball...I don’t see that as him ignoring his ptsd. I think it sounds like he is trying to find grounding/distraction techniques to try to manage his ptsd symptoms.
This is what I mean about the assumptions and judgements you make about what he needs and what will be best for him. And this is the sort of thing that would drive me mad if you were my partner! So:
You say you think he might want to join a peer to peer group with vets with ptsd (which implies to me reading that, that he has said something about maybe being interested in doing that)
But then you say that he has said no way to that.
Then you say “but I’ll find one that’s really cool.”
And then you make the assumption that you know best based on your belief that if his civvies work colleagues are annoying him, he needs more vets in his life.
He doesn’t want to join a peer group. He has clearly said so.
You want him to join a peer group because you think it will be good for him (even though he’s said he doesn’t want to) so you think you are right to try to “persuade him”.
What makes you think you know better than him?
Why can’t you listen to and respect his no? And instead get behind the things he has said he does want to do?
I’m afraid I can’t add anything on the suicidal ideation side of things as it’s not really within my experience. I can only imagine how hard it is for both of you - and I’m really sorry to hear that you’re both struggling with his SI at the moment.
This sounds very upsetting and stressful and exhausting for you - being with him when he is feeling like this and running around trying to find things that will work for him. Perhaps give yourself a break from trying to help/fix him? Just be there for him. And look after yourself too - helping yourself is just as important at this time as any help you can give him.
On the one hand, I can totally feel how much you love him, how much it hurts you when he is struggling, how much you worry when he is struggling and how much you want to help.
On the other - and as many others have said - there isn’t really much you can actually *do* to help. And when I see what you write about all that you are trying to do and all the assumptions you make about what he needs and what could help make him better, I feel quite stressed out because I often think if my partner acted that way with me I would hate it and just want her to back off!
I know you have good intentions and love him and want to help him. But I sometimes wonder if you end up unwittingly contributing to more stress and difficulty?
As I think others have said, I don’t think your husband was meaning he literally wanted to be a monkey instead of a human. He is not “crazy” or delusional. He is using a metaphor to express how he is feeling. I don’t know him but, to me, the way you described the context of him saying that and what he was doing at the time (playing at being monkeys with your kids) makes me think that he is tired of responsibility and feeling under pressure and stressed out with his manager role at work etc. And that the idea of being a monkey - carefree, playful, just jumping around in trees having fun and feeling free - is appealing. Plenty of people have fantasies like that - where we just enjoy temporarily losing our selves in the fantasy of what it would be like to not have responsibilities, commitments, stressful things etc. It doesn’t mean we actually want or expect the fantasy to happen for real.
He has PTSD. He is not “crazy” or deranged.
And I think telling you he wants to be a monkey is him communicating with you and expressing something important to you about how he feels and what he needs. I’m not sure whether you are able to hear that though if he is not just having a very literal, straightforward conversation with you?
He wants these things:
It’s great that he has these things he wants to do and great that you have recently gone hiking together when he wasn’t feeling in a good place. And knowing what he wants can help you support him with those things.
I’d suggest that you focus on these things that you know he wants (because he has told you so) rather than on making assumptions about what he does/doesn’t want or what you think would be best for him.
You said he doesn’t want to talk about PTSD. Right...so trying to force him to do so will just stress him and out frustrate you. And that’s where stuff like hiking and working out can come in. “Working on” himself and his issues doesn’t have to mean sitting and talking to you about his PTSD or his feelings.
If he is talking about wanting to go hiking, camping, try water therapy, get a new stress ball...I don’t see that as him ignoring his ptsd. I think it sounds like he is trying to find grounding/distraction techniques to try to manage his ptsd symptoms.
This is what I mean about the assumptions and judgements you make about what he needs and what will be best for him. And this is the sort of thing that would drive me mad if you were my partner! So:
You say you think he might want to join a peer to peer group with vets with ptsd (which implies to me reading that, that he has said something about maybe being interested in doing that)
But then you say that he has said no way to that.
Then you say “but I’ll find one that’s really cool.”
And then you make the assumption that you know best based on your belief that if his civvies work colleagues are annoying him, he needs more vets in his life.
He doesn’t want to join a peer group. He has clearly said so.
You want him to join a peer group because you think it will be good for him (even though he’s said he doesn’t want to) so you think you are right to try to “persuade him”.
What makes you think you know better than him?
Why can’t you listen to and respect his no? And instead get behind the things he has said he does want to do?
I’m afraid I can’t add anything on the suicidal ideation side of things as it’s not really within my experience. I can only imagine how hard it is for both of you - and I’m really sorry to hear that you’re both struggling with his SI at the moment.
This sounds very upsetting and stressful and exhausting for you - being with him when he is feeling like this and running around trying to find things that will work for him. Perhaps give yourself a break from trying to help/fix him? Just be there for him. And look after yourself too - helping yourself is just as important at this time as any help you can give him.
- Moderator
- #82
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
You can't fix this @Never_falter. No matter what you do, who you talk to, how much research you do... you can't fix this. He is the only one who can work on it.
Sometimes we have to just be still and listen. It sounds like he just wants to talk and be heard. Just let him talk. He's just getting out the junk in his head. You're his wife. He trusts you. Just listen to what he has to say, and don't freak out about any of it.
Suicidal ideation, escapism, depression... he's opening up to you and actually being honest about some of the things that are going on in his head. That is PTSD. He proabably deals with that stuff all the time, but it sounds like he is very good at hiding the realities of his PTSD from you. This is probably a very good thing. He is finally opening up. Being more real with you.
Sometimes we have to just be still and listen. It sounds like he just wants to talk and be heard. Just let him talk. He's just getting out the junk in his head. You're his wife. He trusts you. Just listen to what he has to say, and don't freak out about any of it.
Suicidal ideation, escapism, depression... he's opening up to you and actually being honest about some of the things that are going on in his head. That is PTSD. He proabably deals with that stuff all the time, but it sounds like he is very good at hiding the realities of his PTSD from you. This is probably a very good thing. He is finally opening up. Being more real with you.
- Post starter
- #83
Never_falter2
Diamond Member
Yes, he really just wanted to get out the junk in his head. I have asked him now. He says no need to worry. He‘ll be fine. I would love to relax and I really do think I will take a break from thinking about ptsd. Feeling very stressed. It feels very bad to know I am the only one who knows. That is another reason why I would love his friends to know or would love him talking to other vets. So that i do not have the sole responsibility.
He is really, really stressed by the civvies at his workplace and other vets and spouses of vets have told me they think he needs to be among other vets.
Do I think he can cere for himself. He is a smart guy and knows what he does and he is doing CBT... but OTOH told you I send him to the doctor because I thought he had cancer, well it turned out he did not have cancer but the doctor was shocked he did not show up earlier, because it could have been cancer.
He is one of those guys who never ask for help and that is not comforting.
He is really, really stressed by the civvies at his workplace and other vets and spouses of vets have told me they think he needs to be among other vets.
Do I think he can cere for himself. He is a smart guy and knows what he does and he is doing CBT... but OTOH told you I send him to the doctor because I thought he had cancer, well it turned out he did not have cancer but the doctor was shocked he did not show up earlier, because it could have been cancer.
He is one of those guys who never ask for help and that is not comforting.
- Moderator
- #84
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
Do you have VFWs or social clubs for veterans in your country?
- Status
Similar posts
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
Latest posts
-
-
-
Looked up my old classmates and i really shouldn't have
- Latest: SeekingAfrica
-
had a dream i was cutting myself again and it felt good
- Latest: William_Peters
