Please Help Me Save My Relationship

[Diegalina]

I'm so frustrated and depressed right now I had to vent into this forum. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months now, 3 of those living together with my 5 year old daughter from a previous relationship. My boyfriend is in the Air Force and has been deployed to Afghanistan three times. He's divorced and has two daughters, one of them from a relationship outside the marriage on his ex-wife's part, while he was deployed. After that he has been in couple of relationships but none of them lasted. In my part I come from an abusive relationship, emotional and physical, I divorced a year ago. When I met my boyfriend it was love at first site, at least in my part. As I got to know I fell more and more for him, he was everything I was looking for in a man. I felt butterflies, which I haven't felt in a long time. He loving, caring, he made feel like a priority in his life. We talked and text all day, because we dont see each other to often, I work nights and he works days. He always got out his way to make me happy. He told me from the beginning he had PSTD, I knew what it was but I never knew anybody who had it. I didn't give it to much thought because I didn't notice any difference in him. I mean, he got depressed sometimes, but I was always there for him. The problem is that in the past two weeks he's been so different with me, doesn't call or text all day, rude to me. I feel like he doesn't love me anymore, sometimes I feel like he hates me. This weekend he left to be with the girls, before he would send me romantic texts and call me all weekend long telling me he missed me, but now he didn't call or text anything. Everytime I want to talk about our problems he gets defensive, angry and aggressive. He's always criticizing everything I do to make this work, everytime I want to be with him he pushes me away. We went to therapy a couple of times, but the therapist didn't quite understand about PTSD, so we didn't go to anymore sessions. The problem is that here in Puerto Rico we don't have support groups and therapist don't quite get the condition. I really love him and want this to work, I mean I want to marry this man. I feel like Im drowning, I just want to be like we were at the beginning. I've been reading a lot about the condition and it describes him exactly, but why is he like that now? What happened to the man I fell in love with? What can I do in the meantime to help myself and the relationship? Is this going to get worst? I'll do anything to make this work. Im sorry for writing so much, but as I said Im venting myself. Thank you for reading I really appreciate it and thank God for this forum.

 

[All Roads]

Yes it will get worse. He has you there supporting you, loving him and desperate to make it work. I tried for years. I failed. You can't love him better. He knows what's wrong with him, he knows what he's doing is wrong and unfair. He may care, he may not. But I'm sure he neither knows or cares about very much past his own emotions. This is not the criticism it sounds, it's just the way it is xxxx
It took me five years and my own wee breakdown to realise it was now a me or us situation. In the end I walked, started again and never looked back. You can't be responsible for his feelings, but you can for your own and your daughter's.
Look luck sweetie x

 

[Diegalina]

Yes it will get worse. He has you there supporting you, loving him and desperate to make it work. I tri...

Thank you for your reply. You made me think on a new perspective about my relationship. I'm being sucked in this, I'm depressed all the time. I'm in my breaking point, as u said I need to think about myself and my daughter. She already experienced my physical and emotional abusive I went through with her father, I'm not going to go threw this again. God bless and thank you again for taking from your time to help me.

 

[Kefira]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months now

This is part of the problem. You can't really know someone in such a short time, but certainly not with the cyclical ups and downs that come with PTSD.

We talked and text all day, because we dont see each other to often

It's a lot less energy to text with someone, at least in my experience. I find it's also easier to function with that sort of distance and it's when I begin to have more day to day contact with a partner that the disorder starts to bleed through into the interactions, which makes sense. In one case they're a welcome distraction, sort of a treat. In the other, that person has become part of my daily landscape.

I didn't give it to much thought because I didn't notice any difference in him.

Probably one of the worst things you can do is assume that because you don't see it it's not serious/your partner isn't telling you something important. Would you dismiss a chronic physical illness diagnosis because they didn't seem sick at the time?

I just want to be like we were at the beginning.

For one, you can't- the energy of new relationships fades and they either become something deeper and more grounded in real emotions or they crumble. But the way it was in the beginning wasn't founded all of who he is.

I've been reading a lot about the condition and it describes him exactly, but why is he like that now?

He always has been, it's just showing now.

Is this going to get worst?

If he's not in treatment, then yes it's very likely to.

I'll do anything to make this work.

I'd take a look at your own boundaries. Loyalty and dedication to trying your best to make a relationship work is one thing. But speaking only from my own experience as someone who's been abused, I was extremely codependent in my relationships and unable to make decisions for my own good when it was difficult to do.

 

[Diegalina]

This is part of the problem. You can't really know someone in such a short time, but certainly not with t...

Thank you for taking from your time to help me with this difficult time I'm going through. Your comments help me a lot, I'll just take it day by day, baby steps.

 

[jimrich]

I've been reading a lot about the condition and it describes him exactly, but why is he like that now? What happened to the man I fell in love with?

I didn't have time to read all about PTSD so I can't speak about why he is like that but I want to say that many folks simply do not know how to make a relationship work - with or without PTSD. IMO, what happened to him is what happens to a lot of folks who lack the basic knowledge of how to make a relationship work. As soon as the excitement and wonder of the new and fresh courtship is over, they revert back to the bad habits they had before you met and STOP being nice, loving, kind, happy, gentle, warm, respectful, sexy, empathetic and other things that they no longer need or want to do. They simply do not know HOW to keep the love there and the relationship alive so it slowly or quickly DIES! There are certain skills and techniques to keep a relationship up and running and many folks, especially men, were never taught those skills as children so they can put on a good show while the relationship is HOT but as soon as the honeymoon is over, its back to normal business for them and that doesn't include knowing or even caring how to make the relationship work.

What can I do in the meantime to help myself and the relationship? Is this going to get worst? I'll do anything to make this work. Im sorry for writing so much, but as I said Im venting myself. Thank you for reading I really appreciate it and thank God for this forum.

You need to get some books or just go on line and google: Relationship skills and LEARN all you can about what makes a relationship work so you will have an idea of what is missing and who needs to get educated - most likely both of you. Then, once you know what all it takes, you need to CONFRONT him and tell him what you have learned and INSIST that he learn the same things because it takes both partners doing these simple, easy things to make it work. You need to raise your own self worth high enough to DEMAND that things be better and somewhat like the relationship skills have said or you are GONE! Once you know what a good, loving and respectful relationship is, it won't be possible for you to put up with indifference, hostility,abuse, humiliation or anything less than respectful LOVE from anyone - including him. When you see for your self how simple and easy it is to make a relationship work you will not be willing to let PTSD be an excuse for NOT having a good relationship. Give it a try and see for your self what a good relationship looks like from the perspective of Relationship books and on line.
good luck getting the love you DESERVE!
:) jim

 

[Sighs]

Okay - I'm going to stick my neck out here. Sigh!

@jimrich starts by admitting he doesn't know much about PTSD and then proceeds to give you relationship advice which basically completely ignores your partner's combat PTSD. Mmm - so good luck with CONFRONTing, INSISTing and DEMANDing that your partner behave as if he doesn't have PTSD. Start carrying on like that and you will overflow his stress cup faster than you can say "PTSD".

 

[Owl.]

Oh yeah, confronting him and demanding stuff certainly is the way to go.
...if you want to make sure someone's gonna go on a bloody rampage.

@Diegalina - please don't listen to Jim there. There's a wealth of great advice around this little corner of the web, as well as lots of people with a ton of experience supporting PTSD-vets, some of whom have already popped up here. Keep reading, learn as much as you can, but don't forget to put yourself and especially your child first at all times.

This is a bear of a disorder for sure, and getting better at handling it is a battle no one can fight for the sufferers. All anyone can do to help is...pretty much the opposite of what Jim told you to, so, PLEASE, (speaking from the perspective of a supporter and "sufferer") - stick to the comments made by people who actually know what they're talking about, both in this thread and many others that came before.

All the best and LOADS of strength to you.

 

[Diegalina]

I didn't have time to read all about PTSD so I can't speak about why he is like that but I want to say t...

Thank you for your time, it helps a lot.

Okay - I'm going to stick my neck out here. Sigh!

@jimrich starts by admitting he doe...

What should I do then? When enough is enough? When should I stop trying to make it work??

Oh yeah, confronting him and demanding stuff certainly is the way to go.
...if you want to make sure som...

In your opinion, what should I stop trying to make this work?? How should I confront him about my worries and feeling without being a trigger?

 

[Owl.]

Well, first off, I think you're going to have to forget about terms like "making this work" and "confronting him".
Both may be absolutely valid in "normal" relationships, but if you add PTSD to the mix, "normal" goes right out the window.

You can't MAKE it work and you can't confront him - while he's symptomatic.

For simplicity's sake and because I don't know him, I'm just going to assume his current behavior is 100% PTSD-based. It may or may not be, but for this post, let's just assume it is.

Have you read the legendary "intro" posts yet? These two?
Link Removed

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/

If not, go ahead and read them first. You might also want to watch the supporter video-series Anthony posted in the "Supporter Relationships" forum here. Between those three resources and the countless posts by experienced supporters shared here, you'll pretty much have a solid (albeit uncomfortable) foundation to base any future decisions on.

One thing to ALWAYS keep in mind, though, is this: There is NO shame or weakness in deciding that this path is not for you. NONE.
Everyone has their comfort zone, everyone has their limits, and you have both a child to keep safe and an already-hurt soul of your own. No matter what it may feel like right now, and no matter the decisions you make for your future with or without him, you need to remember that no one in your life can be more important than you or your daughter.
Making decisions based on that knowledge isn't wrong, but a sign of self-awareness and strength.

That said: Yours is a very, VERY new relationship that moved insanely fast. Living together after two months is risky even without PTSD in the picture, but with it, things just get that much more complicated.
If you've read the "PTSD-cup" explanation, you'll know that "good stress" still is stress - and love/relationships are situations where you're basically trying to empty a gallon-jug into a thimble.

Love is scary, suddenly having someone who can plow right through your defenses makes you vulnerable, the fear of not being good enough for them because you're "damaged goods" makes you nervous, the sheer terror of the agony that'd come with them leaving you leaves you near-paralyzed, and the expectations that come with a relationship (whether they're ever voiced or not) very quickly become too much to handle when you're constantly fighting your own mind for survival already.

That is when a sufferer might start pushing you away/isolating.
"It's not you, it's me" is a line overused in bad movies, but absolutely true in cases like this one.
Especially with an untreated sufferer (and it sounds like that's what he is in your first post here), things can get BAD once his cup has spilled over - and the nasty fact of it all is...there's nothing you can do until he's gotten himself back under control.

Nothing except put your own and your daughter's best interests first.

He needs to work through this himself, it's not a battle anyone else can fight for him.
When (and I could say "if" but won't, because pessimism is toxic for a supporter) he has worked through this time of high stress and goes back to "normal", that is when you can - and should! - attempt to talk boundaries with him.
Before that, it'd only be almost guaranteed to blow up in your face, and badly.

Not gonna lie, it might take a WHILE for him to get there, and there's always a chance that things might escalate further still, but as long as you feel like you (or your daughter!) haven't reached your breaking point yet, the best thing you can do is to live your life, take care of yourself, be as happy as you can, given the circumstances (seeing you unhappy and knowing he's the reason only adds more stress for him) while thinking about possible ways to start the talk about boundaries in a non-confrontational way when the time comes.

Once those boundaries have been set, though, once he knows what you can or can't accept and he - ideally - has told you what you can or can't expect from him, they need to be stuck to. Don't bend over backwards for his PTSD, it'll only mow you down.
Step out of its way when needed, give him time and space, but - and I'll say it a hundred times if needed, because it's absolutely vital - don't forget about yourself or your daughter in the process.
When either of you reaches the end of her line, go.

This isn't just going to get better. It CAN, with lots of time, therapy (which he doesn't seem to be getting), patience (from everyone involved) and very, very hard work (all his).
The thing to keep in mind is that - even with therapy - it's very likely to take years rather than months and there's always another floor below when you think you've reached the bottom of the pit.

PTSD can be controlled, but it can't be cured. It also has a tendency to be cyclic. Even after years of calm, that sea can be whipped back into a frenzy out of pretty much nowhere.

What you need to ask yourself (and it's a very, very hard question to answer, please do take your time with it) is whether or not you're prepared to put yourself and your child through possibly years of what you're going through right now, over and over again, for a payoff that may never come.

Best of luck and lots of strength to you and your daughter, please don't hesitate to use these forums to vent to or ask questions of those many strong men and women who have been where you are now. Even the strongest supporters do need and deserve support of their own.

 

[Diegalina]

Thank you so much for helping me get through this and giving me the support I truly need. God bless you!

 

[Becksknox]

@owl1982 im in the same situation here and when he's not symptomatic he always comes to me. Even with his flashbacks or panic attack so or nightmares.
At this point we text and he calls daily. I don't contact first bc I know it needs to be on his terms thru this.

That being said, is there anything I can do since I am the only one he's ever shared with or just keeping trying to be patient and following his lead? Or is there anything I can do or say? I see glimmers of him coming out but even then I don't want to screw up and push him further.

And I also saw in your post something else. He is more concerned with me being ok and I tell him I worry and want him to be ok. He says he's fine. I've reminded him that I've said to him not to say that to me bc I know when he's not "fine". But nit in a pushy way. In a loving way so he always knows I'm here no matter what.

Is it ok to share with him what I've learned? I so don't want to push him farther.