Please Help Me...

[HighGeniusLowLoser]

It's my first time posting online, until now like many I have kept it all hidden. No matter, how hard I try, I just don't seem to be improving at all, and I can't understand how I can be ok for 7 - 10 days and then experience horrific anxiety, depression, or other terrible sensations. I can't make sense of life, my purpose, or what's happening to me.

Today was a bad day. I've always had periods where I have battled with depression and anxiety and cried out "God help me" in the most horrific pain imaginable, however today was different. Whilst I was sat at my desk (I work alone unfortunately, which may be part of the problem) I started to cry uncontrollably at the fact I feel rock bottom, I don't really have any friends, and I just feel very very low and alone right now, and the suicidal thoughts crept in. They haven't really crept in before, well if they have I have never admitted it and I have simply shrugged it off, however I felt so hopeless, so alone, and so low today that I started to ponder whether it was all worth it. I asked myself how long I could go on, how long could I put up with this torture (it's been 4 years in total so far) and why is this happening to me, why did I deserve this.

I logged onto an internet chat room and just begged someone for help, no one was there and it got worse. I then went to a Christian chat room and begged for help also, luckily a couple of people talked to me and I managed to calm down.

I want to know if anyone has been here and has got better? I don't believe in medication, and as a creative person I know my brain is up and down, restless when it's not challenge, and I know I am sensitive. I want to try and get a grip of myself without medication or meditation or anything like that. Can anyone offer my any advice? I've also been getting extremely paranoid thinking my wife is cheating constantly when there is no evidence, I think this is because my confidence is rock bottom, and the paranoia is triggered by the anxiety. Can anyone help me? Thanks so much for listening.

 

[Matt1055]

Hey, right there with you my brother.

Sometimes life can be a real dichotomy... resolving our past circumstances with our presence. Life, love, family. I spent over a decade handling investment banking having one of the larger banks, subsquent my military service. Who knows... maybe this has help me in years past, the source of all my problems?!? Hahaha!

for what it's worth, they are all like this. but it's rough when you're right in the thick of it.

What's up?

Calvin

 

[Leah Morgan]

I hear you, my children are my "protective factor" they keep alive when I have these thoughts. They are what I cling to to keep me going. Have you got something you can draw on like this.

 

[Gadgie]

Can anyone offer my any advice? I've also been getting extremely paranoid

What I do to get over that horrible hate life feeling, is to try and gain something positive out of every day, no matter how great or small, it makes all the difference.

It doesn't matter if you don't achieve the target you set yourself for that day, as long as achieve one positive event or feeling. It's amazing just how much that can boost your confidence, try it, then let us know how things go, good luck.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

So you want help but are rejecting valuable modes of healing from the beginning?

Can I ask why?

I understand not wanting medication. Not everyone does well on medication. (But if you've never tried anything, then I do think you're blocking possible modes of healing prematurely.)

But no meditation? I can say that without a doubt, meditation is one of my greatest coping skills. Its a bit sad to see someone reject it from the get-go.

We don't choose how we heal. We don't get to choose what works for us. Its sort of like throwing spaghetti at the wall. You just do it all and see what sticks.

 

[HighGeniusLowLoser]

When I got into meditation a couple of years back I also got into some new age things without realising it and weird stuff started to happen, that's why I am against it. As for medication every SSRI I have ever read about sounds lethal.

 

[joeylittle]

@HighGeniusLowLoser, I identify with things you are saying. It sounds like you are cycling, as far as the depression goes, and unfortunately that is a pretty common thing. It's also a possible indicator that you have something going on in your brain chemistry that is contributing to (or creating) the issue.

as a creative person I know my brain is up and down, restless when it's not challenge, and I know I am sensitive.

I described myself like this for a really, really long time, and refused medication because of it. When I didn't have a choice anymore and went on medication (an SNRI, not SSRI), I was pretty annoyed at myself for never having given it a try before, because it made life much more survivable. I'd not cross them completely off the list - but it's a personal thing, and I wouldn't have ever taken them had circumstances not pushed me there.

When I got into meditation a couple of years back I also got into some new age things without realising it and weird stuff started to happen, that's why I am against it.

Just to say - that was a few years back, and you obviously learned some lessons from the experience. You might try googling Jon Kabat-Zinn. There are a number of 20 minute guided meditations on YouTube that are not religious or spiritual or new-agey at all - just good guided no-nonsense meditation. Don't assume that who you were two years ago is who you were now.

If you don't want to touch either of those ideas with a ten foot pole, at minimum get yourself out and physically active a couple of times a day. When you work from home you have to be really diligent about this. And how about therapy?

I'm sorry you're struggling - and it's so important that you are reaching out for help. Can you try and implement some change?

 

[SabrinaB]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Sadly, similar experiences are all too familiar to the rest of us here. Reaching out to others takes strength and courage, and you're already taking a step in that direction being here. If your body wants to cry, scream or whatever to release the pent up energy inside I highly encourage you to let it go where it wants to. It's taken a lifetime for me to realize that stuffing this all back down inside just creates more problems down the road. I'm still self-conscious about it, but after a few times of letting the pain out I noticed I started feeling better. There is a caveat though- don't let your mind turn this into a pity party. In fact, your mind is not invited to the party at all.

Formal meditation can be challenging for some folks, which I get and struggle with at times myself. Mindfulness based practices in which you focus on being present and grounded in the now though differ, and really help manage symptoms such as runaway thoughts, i.e. your paranoia, feelings of hopelessness. This is something you could start today by simply bringing awareness to your breathing. Don't try to control or change your breath, but simply observe the act of breathing and the air moving in and out of your body. Each time your mind wanders bring it back to your breath.

A second action that works for me is to take a walk outdoors. This serves two purposes: it grounds me to the earth and helps burn some of the hyperarousal energy that builds inside our bodies from anxiety/ PTSD. This is my #1 strategy for coping when I start to get that horrible wired up feeling inside of me. I bought a treadmill this winter because I need to walk most every day and can't be dependent upon the weather outside. It really does help.

Sometimes it's reassuring to know you're not alone and others have experienced and gotten through this. You will too, even if it doesn't seem possible right now. I also am not a fan of medication, but do believe it's important to seek professional help. It's a tough road and having a witness and guide can get us farther than we can go alone. I also believe in the power of prayer, so will include you in mine. May you be blessed with comfort, support and peace during this challenging time.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Hi I'm so sorry for what your going through , your emotions, depression and urge to cry out and actually release these emotions are pretty normal. I think it's very important to release these emotions, a good cry never harmed anyone and I always feel better after even though I still have my problems and my suffering is the same. There is lots of different therapys available not sure if you have tried any? I'm not a great believer in medication too however I've been quiet bad lately and am very close to going down this avenue , I've been battling it for 15 years however the last two years have been the worst. Please don't give up, there are some lovely people on this forum who will be able to support you or give you some tips , reach out for this, I have many times and have really benefitted from it. The paranoia is probably worse as everything is getting on top of you, are you able to speak to your wife about this? Honesty is he best policy and will be more beneficial than you yorturing yourself on a daily basis . My prayers are with you , please don't give up x

 

[HighGeniusLowLoser]

Tonight my wife and I had a blazing row. She told me to grow up and stop being a baby, and that I'm a man. She has no idea of what I am going through, maybe she will understand when she wakes up and finds me hanging in the loft, I'm literally that close now.

 

[Gadgie]

Don't do that! I've been there, just a few weeks ago, so I know what you are going through. It's hell, but you will get through this, it might seem that you have reached the end, but the end can be moved.

It sounds like your wife doesn't understand what you are going through, have you tried encouraging her to read up on PTSD, as there is plenty information available on line to study.

Try and see your GP and tell him exactly what your going through. On the night I was where you are now, I called the Samaritans, they gave me other help call centres for help, and it was one of those that sorted me out, go for that, and do it now!

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I've been there. I think so many people have.

Now, when my mind wanders to suicide, I try to determine what I really want: to kill myself, or to kill the bad feelings? There is a difference. The former is harder to solve; the latter gives me momentum and impetus to change and evolve.