Please Help

[Bookoffee]

It hurts so much right now. I feel the deep pain of the past, I feel my chest crushing in, my head is spinning and bouncing back from the past to the present and back again. I already became sick at work today due to panic attacks.


I had nightmares last night of my mother and sister. They were doing their mind controlling abusive sick twisted games. I can’t get away from it today. I will remember something from my past and my body and emotions react.


When my wife got home from work tonight, we were having a pleasant conversation when without notice, I start to cry uncontrollably. I was in full panic state hysterical crying. My wife was trying to calm me down by telling me to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. This method, no matter how many or state of mind I am in, ever works for me. I need to have my mediation sound on to drown out the sounds in my head and to focus on a sound that is soothing and not my shaky, crying hysterical voice, telling myself to inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.


I was trying to find my words to explain this to my wife so she would stop trying to have me do this method that doesn’t work. I asked her to grab my music for me and she wanted me to listen to her instead as she was becoming frustrated with me and was yelling at me to inhale and exhale.


This ended in a huge argument over how to handle my panic attacks. I argued that trying a method I have a hard time with is not helpful when I am so deep into a panic attack/flashback. She argued that the only way I will learn this method is by practicing while I am having the breakdown.


I don’t want to learn this method yet. I have not learned enough about meditation to do it without my soothing music. I also don’t want to argue while I am having a panic attack. I have already asked for these requests and they were responded with resentment.


The argument continued on and it ended with her telling me that she didn't want to argue and yell, after I had just asked for the same respect, that I was treating her unkind because she was trying to help me and I was acting like a psychopath.


I am completely taken aback from this. I can not wrap my head around this argument. I am feeling like I am in whirl wind of twisted communication. I literally think blood has come out of my ears, at least my right one.


Please me make sense of this and help me find a way to stop the throw up memories, feelings and emotions. I am trying to work on my communication with my wife but I feel as though when I let my voice be heard, it is not loud and clear enough. What am I doing wrong?


End Note - I did not edit or reread what I wrote, it hurts too much. I hope someone can wrap their head around this mess. Is there a mess or am I over reacting?

 

[shandemonium]

I can relate to this a lot. I am also in a lesbian relationship and sometimes my partner will just try to "fix" things real quick because she honestly doesn't know how to deal.

In the heat of the moment, I freaked on her too ( a few times). Especially when she's just giving me "the sun'll come out tomorrow" like little f*cken orphan annie when all I want is.... well I'm not sure. NOT that.

When things cool off, find away to reiterate your point because you are right. After my gf and I cooled off, we both apologize and she asks me how she can help. For me, if I'm panicking I just need her to sit quietly with me and not try to squelch it. Sobbing is healthy and necessary for people like us. If I am sad and overwhelmed with things in general, I ask her not to try and "solve" my problems but just listen and validate me.

When I make my point to her calmly and apologized for yelling and freaking out, the whole conversation was much better. She was more receptive... Sometimes when we are yelling people feel attacked and they respond defensively.

Especially if they come from a "non-yelling" family like my gf. Yelling really freaks "non-yellers" out

I agree with you about the "breathing", that would piss me off too. it's your job to tell her exactly what you need and apologize for your part in the conflict. If she is a supportive partner, she will do the same

I wish you the best in this.. Sending love

 

[Bookoffee]

I just read my post and I dont think I made myself clear on the point I am trying to make. I am too tired to figure out the point now. Thank you for your support. I am usually the one that needs to fix things, i am taken aside from her actions tonight. I dont understand them.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Have you ever had your wife go to your therapist with you? It usually isn't a good idea to try techniques for the first time when you're in the middle of a panic attack. Perhaps you could talk to your therapist about ways you want your wife to be able to support you and ways you don't, with your therapist's guidance. Then, invite your wife in to hear this information and ask questions. I brought my husband to a therapy session so he could ask some questions and get some information and it was very helpful. Scary, but helpful.

 

[sweetcandy]

I can totally relate to what you are going through. When having a panic attack the last thing to be doing is trying a method that doesn't work for you. I am finding that the more I try to educate my friends and family about my ptsd, the more supportive they try to be. Perhaps trying to find some information pamphlets or booklets that could answer some of her questions or taking your wife to see your therapist could help her to try to understand some of your symptoms and how to best support you. It's scary enough to try to explain these things to loved ones but it is so beneficial.

 

[Friday]

Yep. I'm not sure how many times (or how much more clearly) I can explain "Please don't turn yourself into a target" to some people.

At least in my experience, either it works immediately, or the person becomes a target.

The irony, is that also in my exp., it's when they start overthinking that they start making things worse instead of helping. It takes a lot of self confidence to stick with what was working. A lot of times part of what attracts me to someone is their ability to subvert my moods just by being them. Then they stop being them, and focus so much on how to do it "right" that it becomes wrong. That or they've just had enough of my shit. Bit of a coin toss, really.

That's true with my own coping mechs, as well. My "favorite" for ages was one I could never remember to use. Binned it / tossed it in the round file. Absolutely no use to me whatsoever if I can't use it in the moment. Clearly I liked the idea of it, and did use it for other things, but where the rubber meets the road is how well it will actually work. And a big part of that, is remembering to do it. If it's not helpful? It's not effing helpful.