Please Just Stop

[shimmerz]

How many times do I have to say it????? I don't HAVE a freaking future! I can't think about the future! Keep pushing me with your 'So what are you going to do about....... (fill in blank here - there are so many options at this point)' I will go into pre-suicidal desperation mode! Don't you get it??? Can't you hear me? I can't THINK about this, I can't discuss this, I can't believe this is where I am....

I know you all love me (not you guys - this is a thing going on in my head right now), but if you love me please hear me!!!!! STOP!!!!! Please. I don't live in your world anymore......

I used to pretend, but now I can't even do that. Please. Just stop....

 

[Sammyiam]

I know exactly how that feels you just want it all to stop, the feelings, the shame, the voices, the guilt, the emotions, the up and downs, the the the. You could just keep going couldn't you .............

I just wish I could write an answer that would help you but I'm still looking to

Please take care

Sammy

 

[IrisL]

Everybody has a future... If you don't want to talk about it - you don't have to. Is right to feel like that... You don't want to tear up the bandage from your still bleeding wounds... The bruises are still there ...
Give yourself time...
See in a way you have broken bones - it's broke in several ways - but look how its heals - the bone where it's broken will heal stronger than any non broken part of your bones.

And we aren't deaf - we are hearing your pain and struggle - we understand in a way how no one can.
You can't give up, because we all know we are stronger than this - stronger than the normal ( and you could write it out- you had the courage) - we gone threw something which wasn't correct -and destroyed quite A Huge level in us- you are stronger what you believe and you worth more than what you think you know.


Don't say that's not you! Because you are a strong person - you are trying to over come and with that you not questioning yourself - you are questioning the why it's happened, where was the right to get that hurt and damage. And there wasn't any right - non at all!!!that was cruel unfair.and that's not define or describe you, that's not you - it's happened - it's not here now, and it's not define your worth.and neither says what you can do... You already done more.
. The negative isn't you. You are the warm of the sunlight... Don't say bad things of yourself please and I know it's hard... But you aren't who you believe you are. You can worth everything, because you already are.

 

[Anrish]

I agree with IrisL, but I also understand your point. It's hard if everyone pushes his or her expectations on you. It's not that they just ask about your future, they already have something in mind which might be best from their point of view or what's common in society. It's the same for me. ...some people just can't let you live like you need it for yourself. They put a frame around you so you can fit into their way of seeing the world.

Don't say that you don't have a future. You've got your future in your own way. It's hard to struggle against all these questions which already contain pressure and expectations. It's the same for me...everyone wants me to find a boyfriend, get married, raise children...but there's no room in this "common" future plans in me. I've got my own goals and build my own future.

And every way you go is fine as long as you go it voluntarily and never forget: we'll always accompany you in whatever future is fine for you. Please take care. :hug:

 

[RussH]

@shimmerz while it is true that most of us plan for the future; the truth is we live our lifes one day at a time, and right now that seems to be what you need to focus on, just living your life one day at time, then when you are ready you can think about the future.

 

[moonbeam]

I agree with Russ.

Sometimes I can only look as far as today. Other times I can look as far as the weekend. Definitely not months or years from now. I find it helps to not push myself to think about the future and I admit when prompted externally that I can't plan that far right now. That ends the external pressure. I have no real advice for the internal pressure except baby steps and when you can only look to the next hour, meal, sunset do that.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

You tell 'em Shimmerz, sometimes we just need to be in the now, and not be pushed towards any direction in particular.
I hope it helped :hug:

 

[scout86]

@shimmerz ? Just breathe, ok?

I know you all love me (not you guys - this is a thing going on in my head right now),

But..... we all love you too! (Well, maybe not ALL, I didn't take a poll, I'm speaking for myself. :D) It will be ok. You don't HAVE to have a plan. (I've pretty much NEVER had a plan, at least not beyond the end of the day, and look where it's gotten me! Well, maybe don't look. Might not be reassuring. :bag:)

This is something that I never realized was a "symptom" until after I started therapy. All these years, doing job interviews, when they got to "What do you see yourself doing in 5 years?" And all I could think is "Huh?" I mean SERIOUSLY! 5 years? And I had no idea why they thought that was even a question, much less why it made me angry that they asked.

Funny how different people really do have different road maps of reality! And, I have so little understanding of how this works I couldn't BEGIN to explain it to anyone else. In time, you'll probably be at least as able to see a "future" as you ever were. I think you've made a lot of progress lately, but you've also been through a lot. No need to look too far down the road just yet.

(BTW, did I mention I'm glad you're back?)

 

[shimmerz]

just living your life one day at time, then when you are ready you can think about the future

This is so true, @RussH . This is what I am attempting to teach my peeps. They don't get it. I am begging them to stop and hear me. I can't think about this stuff right now. I know it.

As a matter of fact, it is so true that when people ask me 'what am I going to do.....' I feel my head start to calculate. Not the 'hey, let's think about this and this and this' kind of calculate, but that spinny, can't make sense, WAY too big type of calculate. I am afraid it will have me break psychologically. I can't go there.

So actually, what I am talking about here are those that care about me - feeling that by pushing me - nudging me on wards, that they can help my 'situation'. I am expressing over and over and over again that they must stop. That they are pushing buttons that may well have me go over the edge.
I have yelled at some of them, abruptly gotten out of my chair and left when they wouldn't stop, written them emails after the fact as to why they need to stop, the list goes on and on. These behaviours are not in my character but I feel like I am fighting for my sanity!

It doesn't matter how often I ask them to stop talking about these things it almost seems to be a pathological (if that word fits here) desire on their parts to plan for the future. Finally I am 'in the moment'. Leave me there and stop bugging me!

But..... we all love you too!

Crap! I didn't take a poll either.

(BTW, did I mention I'm glad you're back?)

:hug: What a nice thing to say. :hug:

 

[scout86]

but I feel like I am fighting for my sanity!

YES! Totally get that!

You know what I usually do at that point? Disappear! This is a great example of something I keep trying to explain to "supporters" here and I don't think I've even come CLOSE to being able to do it. This is why, sometimes, it's easier to be around people who DON'T have a huge investment in you. Because they don't care so much, try so hard, and PUSH so hard. Strangers or casual acquaintances are more willing to just let you "BE".

Although I know that feeling, I wonder if it's TRUE that we are fighting for our sanity? It sure feels like it. It feels like one more little thing and you're just going to explode into too many pieces to ever reassemble. I have no idea how you'd explain this to people who's reality is so different. As annoying as I find the word "validate" I guess all I can do is validate your experience and offer sympathy and support. (And wonder why I dislike "validate" so much. :p)

:hug: to you too!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I am having to tell my own head the same thing- I can't think about the future, I have to live one moment or one day at a time. The rest of my "peeps" think all if fine and my future is going along great. But my brain is having a major issue with how my future looks. But if I take time to think about it and answer those kinds of questions about "what will I do about...", I will drive myself to a similar place. My situation, if of course, not like yours, but I just wanted you to know that I understand somewhat what you mean. And trying to explain to anyone without PTSD what you mean about anything that's going on in your head is hard. I am still sending you positive vibes and I hope that those vibes will reassure you that you don't have to have the answers now no matter what the people around you keep asking.

 

[The Albatross]

I think I would take a long hard look at the intentions of the people urging you to take action/plan/have a strategy. I take notice of such things... and now go into "crunch time" mode. When my life is so messed up I am being urged to initiate changes... it is because they love and care about me... not because they are trying to tip me over.

They are not responsible for the resulting mental/emotional response. I am.

I can't think about this right now. I don't have a future. If you don't stop I will go into suicidal ideation. Well, frankly, avoidance never solved anything for me. I don't like getting my bubble busted sometimes, but I stand up and take notice when good/well intentioned people speak up.